laura and kate will rock your face

Assignment Complete.

2010-08-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Hello.

Long time no blog. I checked in on this thing on a whim and saw that we had a bunch of spam comments on our posts from a foreign land. Because i can't read the banalities of what they wrote, i have decided to be flattered. Anyway I'm posting something just because I've always been a sucker for closure. And having the last word...twice!

I am no longer in Chicago because I took a chance on taking a chance and moved to NYC. So now Kate and I are even farther apart. Kate is somewhere. Kate where are you? We'll find each other somewhere soon. Somewhere magical, but probably on the internet because plane tickets are really expensive these days. Maybe this blog will evolve into something new.

Actually, that's a pretty good assignment. Decide what's next.

And if any of you are really bored may i humbly direct you to my new tumblr about the trials and tribulations of a lincoln park trixie during the apocalypse. www.girlpocalypse.tumblr.com You can take the girl out of Chicago...

Plugging away into the void,
Laura. August. 2010.
The end.

cartography lessons.

2010-02-06T23:12:00.000-08:00

Rule Number One of Cartography School: Always spell check your maps before you publish them, idiot. The real name on my Map was meant to be "Quandaryville" which is the state in which i currently reside, famous for its unending perplexities and wide array of sugary snacks. Currently on rotation: Doughnuts, Banana Bread or Swedish Fish? But then again, when I really think about it, I'd prefer it to be pronouced "kwan-dree-ville" because, well, I just like how that sounds better, I mean, I think it sounds better than "kwan-duh-ree-ville," yeah, because the "duh" makes it sound like there is an OBVIOUS answer hidden in there somewhere, which--and I have looked for it--there is NOT! So maybe my lack of proofreading skills resulted in a fruitful omission after all. Should i retake the photos or leave them, then? Another Quandary. Thanks, Quandryville.

(I'm not sad. I'm just on the phone. Wondering.)

Where am I?
Tomorrow i am going home, to visit my Mom.
How is She?

Then I'll return to my apartment in Chicago.
Then, maybe, I'll come find you?

assignment 35: cartography

2010-01-29T14:13:00.000-08:00

that's right, for this assignment i invoked a fourth grade vocabulary word!

i have been thinking a lot lately about "WHERE I AM AT" that elusive, half literal, half metaphorical statement which bears down on you like a mindfuck.

also i have been spending 30 minutes every day at the park district on an elliptical machine amongst mothers who have recently delivered their babies, and old couples in winter boots and khaki pants arguing over the stationary bikes, wondering "why am i here?"

because maybe you don't have any reason to be here at all.
you adorable little nobody, you.
or maybe there is a less depressing answer but i just don't know what it is yet.

enter the assignment. brush up on your cartography skills and make a map.
show each other where you are at.

that's all.

deadline: next sunday by midnight.
punishment: pick a random place on a map, drive there, purchase a souvenir and send it to the other person.

Fort Laura

2010-01-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

Kate.

We all need shelter.
Always literally, sometimes metaphorically.
Right now, I'll take both.
This is my fort.

Purpose of the fort: To HIDE. from EVERYTHING.

Materials: 1 down filled snow man and happy reindeer blanket
1 plastic cylinder that I won at a white elephant filled with a yard of licorice (used as reinforcement)
1 Adidas sweatband
1 Von Maur Box top (converted into a flag)

Notice I got an award on the flag for perfect attendance.

In the fort I may or may not be doing part time data entry, and I may or may not love it.

And I may or may not be sad, and I may or may not have hope despite it all, and I may or may not be listening to this song from the new spoon album, which snuck up on me quietly, like good things seem to do these days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx2qfyF1qnw&feature=related

The point is you don't know what I am doing, do you, because I am hiding.
But when I come out from underneath there, I may be the Big Bad Wolf come to check out the scene.

Fort Kate

2010-01-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah... this is the phone in to end all phone ins but that's because my week has changed and I have to get home tomorrow for a sad reason.

But this blog isn't about sadness, it's about creativity. Here is my fort.

Raw materials: Desk, sweater
Purpose: Hiding at work from work.

Assignment 35: UGH!

2010-01-14T22:43:00.000-08:00

Okay I'm just off to a bad blog start. In a few short hours I am supposed to be on a plane to Philadelphia for a 36 hour stay. I am not packed, this assignment is late and I have no creativity right now- I'm just trying to figure out how to get to Cherry Hill New Jersey once I land in Philly.

That all being said, I have a teacher-like obligation to give an assignment. WE MUST BLOG!

Assignment: Build a fort. Use it for some purpose (the fort where you eat snacks?). Blog about it.

Punishment: Well the first punishment is you don't get to build a fort and forts are fun so you are not having fun. Boom. The second punishment: Don't wash your hands all day. Video tape yourself licking them at the end of said day.

Due Date: Sunday the 23rd. Midnight.

My first punishment...

2010-01-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

.... I can't believe it. I just completely forgot to DO the assignment. Here I am, incurring my first blog punishment... for the easiest assignment ever. 2010, how I am failing in thee!!!

Without further ado... 5 things I unabashedly love about Garfield the Cat.

1. Sardonic voice.

2. When I was little, I learned from him that if you wanted to pretend to brush your teeth, you just move the brush along the edge of the bathroom counter to make the noise. Rene and I tried it... parents FOOLED.

3. Looks so cozy in that box he sleeps in with his blanket.

4. Adorable rump.

5. Suction-cup-hands-car-paraphenalia (Sp?) makes for a classy and hilarious car.

listy

2010-01-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

hi k8.

to Recap:

the assignment was to pick 5 five things i liked about being away for the new year (i went to austin to work on a show and visit my friends.)

and 5 things i liked about being home.

these are in no particular order.
because i love lists...but i hate ranking things.

AWAY:
5.) Rio Rita: I don't usually get excited about things that come in glasses, but the bloody mary i had at this tiny hipster bar was one of the most delicious things i have ever tasted.

i am posting the yelp link to a picture of the upcycled 7-up sign they use to advertise the place because i am a sucker for putting new paint over old paint.

http://www.yelp.com/biz_photos/4Wk3yKbFBIWXyl2Xh4ounA?select=2swWdwnANYrbJjIuNBkgLg

COMING HOME
5.) Cooking stew in my crock-pot (i really do love that thing!)

AWAY
4.) No snow.

COMING HOME
4.) Snow. But only when i don't have to drive somewhere.

AWAY
3.) Working. Every. Day. And going to sleep tired from working.

COMING HOME
3.) Working. But getting to eat candy or hump a chair or watch the soup on-demand whenever i feel distracted.

AWAY
2.) Meeting new people like an adorable set designer and her british fiance who recreated a magic show from when he was seven years old at the new years party i was invited to. Remembering how interesting people are and that i am not a total social pariah.

COMING HOME
2.) My good old friend, bed. And her sister, firm-matress. Oh yeah, and Jordan, you too.

AWAY
1.) for some reason i was very clean in the kitchen.

COMING HOME
1.) My dying christmas tree and the kitchen island full of lip gloss, dirty water glasses, and unread time magazines makes me laugh. FOR NOW.

kate you are the best.
bye.

assignment 34

2010-01-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

so kate you are in chicago right now.
and i am in austin.
soon we will be returning to our actual places of residence.

this assignment is easy.
top five things that you liked about being away.
top five things that you like about coming home.

deadline: sunday next week. (don't have my planner so i don't know what the exact date is.)
punishment: top 5 list of what you like about garfield the cat. (and none of the things can involve lasagna.)

smooch.
laura.

Assignment 33... phoning it in

2009-12-23T01:05:00.000-08:00

I just saw that you had posted yours Laura... didn't watch it yet, for fear that the quality of yours will make me embarrassed about mine and then when I should be packing, I'll instead re-do mine. F that.... this is a genuine PHONE-IN and I stand by it.

Also, I really love calling someone a gaping asshole.

assignment 33. Vampire for Hire.

2009-12-22T21:21:00.000-08:00

Kate you are going to seriously show me up with this assignment...
but the good news is i got this in on time before i drove home for the holidays!

fyi:
1.) i have no idea how to add sound on a separate track from a video.
2.) i edited this video in the car on the ride home. we live in the future, y'all!
3.) this is what i look like when i first get up in the morning...my apologies for the rest of your life having seen it. and yes we eat yesterdays leftovers for breakfast.

here he is. bill from true blood. believable, and hot. fangy smooch!

Assignment 33: Jesus Died when he was the age of this assignment number

2009-12-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

And Jesus has very little to do with this assignment.

It sounds like Laura and I have similar problems: we are both obsessed with HBO shows. Laura loves that True Blood, I am FINALLY getting around to The Wire, which has officially ruined my life. I am going to leave the company holiday party early tonight because I know that there is a Wire Netflix DVD waiting for me at home.

The Assignment: Transcribe a monologue from the show. Perform it. Any character- your own take.

Due: A week from today, Wednesday the 23rd.... midnight.

Punishment: Call the OTHER person's parent and have a conversation with them.

Uh OH!

2009-12-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

oh man.

i am pissed at myself.

because i was really excited about capturing something about the winter in the windy city--something great about all this blustery, blistery, blizzardy goodness.
to recap: in the past week it snowed twice. and i think with the windchill it dropped to seven below.
but i dropped the ball.

because of alan ball.
the soundtrack to this video is the music on the title sequence to disc 3 season 1 of true blood.
the real reason why i neglected to finish this.
vampire porn.

p.s. sorry how close i got to the camera. i was going to do this other reveal of the tv screen and make a joke about true blood and hahaha but when i realized that video does not show up on video i ditched it and hahaha congrats to you for getting to look at my face.

p.p.s my eyes are bloodshot because i am up all night thinking about recipies to put in the slow cooker and vampire porn.

p.p.p.s. it really is that cold in my apartment. the other day, i slept in my long underwear, jeans, and BOM t-shirt so i would not be cold when i got up to go to the New Feild School Show at 6:45 am.

p.p.p.p.s. why have you not convinced me to move to LA yet?

32: WINTER IN LA LA LAND

2009-12-13T16:57:00.000-08:00

Document winter? HA! Winter is for fools!!!!!!!!! I live in LA... we don't HAVE winter. We have something called "Wardrobe Change".

"Wardrobe Change" is noted by the mild cooling of weather, allowing you to wear the half of your wardrobe you don't get to wear the other 3/4 of the year. "Wardrobe Change" can also be seen when it rains in Los Angeles, which helps to justify that I have TWO pairs of rain boots for three days of rain.

This past week was a prime example of "Wardrobe Change". Three noticeable instances:
[Modeled by Ellie the elephant. Setting provided by Little Christmas Tree In My Living Room. Yes, even living rooms are affected by "Wardrobe Change".]

Firstly, my pajamas have been affected. Usually I wear shorts and a tank top to bed. Post Wardrobe Change? Comfy long sleeve shirt, velour stretchy pants and calf- high slippers. All necessary, mind you. Apparently my heat doesn't work because I was supposed to have the gas company light the pilot light. GAH!

Secondly, my running attire has changed. Usually in shorts and a tank, (MAYBE even just a sports bra if it's balls hot) and a lightweight, breathable blue running hat. Post "Wardrobe Change"? I get to FINALLY wear my stretch pants, long sleeve dri-fit shirt and a heavier non-breathing hat. Those warm weather running clothes are thankful for the break... they smell from over-use.

Lastly, my work clothes find themselves replaced. Typical outfit before "Wardrobe Change"? Short sleeve shirt, flats and just-above-the-knee skirt. POST "WC"? Sweater dress, wool argyle tights and YES- PINK RAIN BOOTS!!! I don't care that I look bulky... it's "Wardrobe Change", baby!!!

Sanity regained. Thanks, "Wardrobe Change"- I was just about to hang myself from one of my over-worn tank tops. So glad you swooped in and changed it up!

NOTE: Wardrobe Change is only promised until about March. At that point I must begin to wear all of my over-worns again. That is what is known as "Period of Time When I Cannot Tell Time Has Passed Because Every Day Feels the Same". I much prefer "Wardrobe Change".

Assignment 32: WINTER

2009-12-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

This assignment is being written as i watch the first snowfall of the season from my bedroom window. I know, it is 12:30 in the afternoon, but the bedroom is where the space heater is and i promise you and my mother that i have already gotten up, gotten dressed, and started doing work on my laptop.

CATALOGUE.
WINTER.
IN.
YOUR.
TOWN.

However you want. Just give us a taste of your winter. the season of endings and finality. the season of togetherness and good cheer. The season of that creepy looking lady in victorian mourning.

due: um...how about sunday of next week. midnights!

punish: (we should start having punishments for getting the assignment posts up late,) but here goes...you have to call someone you really don't want to call. and have a conversation with them.

Assignment 31: I be done finally

2009-11-29T22:00:00.000-08:00

I work in Beverly Hills. It's a helluva town... in like a bad way.... if you have any respect for fellow mankind. Sometimes after work I will go for a run. It is dark then. THIS week, per this here blog, I ran in Beverly Hills in the daytime for the first time in the four years I've been here. I noticed a lot of things that were different in the day versus night. For example... there is a stained glass house (they should really light that up at night, no?). And there are children at the school I run by and they AREN'T all white as I had assumed. Imagine that. The one thing that doesn't change, day or night, is that the cars have no respect for pedestrians. Running in Beverly Hills is as dangerous as it comes because it is full of bad drivers. Actually, worse than bad drivers...ENTITLED drivers. I will have at least three "that fucker tried to hit me" scares per run. However, in the daylight there is one distinct difference. I present that difference to you in the style of a Japanese workout video. Try it! Please excuse the fact that I have NO business putting my lumpy ass in leotard and tights. The music is indeed one of the songs I listened to on my run. Enjoy.

assignment 31. DONE.

2009-11-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

Dearest Kate,

I have to be a super-geek and turn this assignment in early. I could try and make myself sound cool and all “Jet Set Laura” by saying: “Not sure where I’m gonna be this weekend and I don’t wanna turn it in late…” but that’s a lie. I got inspired to write you. So I am. Doing it. Now.

Ok.

Time: 7:45pm Central

Location: the 24 hour Kinko’s/FedEx on Southport Avenue.

Task: To Laminate my PERSONAL CRAFT PROJECT.

These are cut outs I am going to paste to a foam board “thermometer”*

*“Thermometer” is in quotes because; as Jordan lovingly pointed out to me today it also looks like a giant “dick.” Thanks Jordan. Did I mention that this particular “thermometer” is only a proto-type?

I hereby declare this a “NO JUDGERS ZONE!”**

**it looks like a dick with small pox. too late!

Also can I mention that for those who enjoy diddling with machinery that works by applying pressure and heat, the self-serve laminating machine is an ABSOLUTE JOY…totheworld.

Man I am digressy.

So here’s the moral.

Moral: walking into Kinko’s at a weird, off-hour, other people partying, kind of time reminded me of a year I have not thought about very much. Which is weird because it was not that many years ago.

Let’s call it 2006, because that’s when it was. In 2006 I had two-almost-full-time jobs. Two of the most AMAZINGLY AWESOME JOBS ON THE PLANET. But, I might have been a little stressed out as I was worrying all the time and making compulsive lists with boxes next to phrases like “get organized!” “Stop sucking!” and “no, really stop sucking so much!” Oh, and this is cute: I also found myself weeping uncontrollably on my way to the theatre, checking myself into the hospital after I threw up all night to get an IV to rehydrate me so I could show up to perform later that evening (I missed some others due to Strep Throat and was in deep shit), for the first time, I froze onstage in a rehearsal (oh, the Indignity! Chastised and inwardly Unforgiven!) Finally, I caved and spent some of my hard earned money on therapy just because I needed someone to look me in the eye once a week and tell me I was not a bad person or CRAZY.

The good news is I also spent some Friday, and a lot more Saturday nights in 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, usually when everyone else was drunk off their asses or sleeping. And Kate, if you are worried this missive is going to turn into a laundry list of complaints allow me to add that I was in Kinko’s on a Saturday night LEGITIMATELY ENOYING MYSELF.

Chronicle of a Past Routine:

1.) Finish Such and Such Comedy Show plus Mandatory But Free Improv set at 1:45am.

2.) Walk 4 city blocks in the bluster to car parked at the free spots next to the abandoned park district. Hate myself for not making better jokes. Realize improvisational comedy is about creating characters that react idiosyncratically in certain situations and not about making jokes. Realize funny people do not think about or describe comedy by using words like idiosyncrasy. Hate myself even more.

3.) As cast members hang out and drink, drive to 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx. Remember that a.) you are a nerd b.) that no one likes you and c.) that you work for the most amazing, creative, and impassioned not-for-profit you will ever work for. Allow your brain to detect a slight smile on your face.

4.) Photo-copy things. Feel like you have accomplished something successfully for the first time today. Something that, though you just killed a bunch of “baby trees,”** was helpful. Stack the papers neatly on the passenger seat of your car. Feel less alone. Sigh.

5.) Go to bed. It’s 3:30.

So here is the second moral.

Moral Number Two: I like my life right now. I really do. I wish I were helping more. Helping the world by doing good work. Helping myself by making more money. Helping my parents by appearing to elevate their genes with tokens of outward success. But at least I feel like I am driving the car, or steering the luge or whatever. And next time I have two full time jobs, I will immediately find a therapist, make note of the closest 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, and I will motherfucking HANDLE IT LIKE A PRO.

And for that nugget of self-satisfaction here are my (incomplete) Special Thanks:

Thanks to Kate for actually liking me now and actually liking me in high school. And for being one of the hardest working people i know...she works all the time you guys, i can never get her on the phone!

Thanks to Jordan for catching my tears in a little vial.

Thanks to Levy for pantomiming catching her own tears in a little vial so I could steal that image for this blog.

Thanks to Heat for being FUNNY.

Thanks to Rebecca for making a brave move.

Thanks to Mookie, Ambrosia, and other faceless conspirators for letting me go (I plot against you daily, and when the despair hits me the hardest it is the only thing that keeps me going. And I am GOING.)

Thanks to Lacy for inspiring me to do my own personal laminated crafts projects again and (maybe) reading this.

**”baby dicks.”

FUCK! Late Assignment Assigning: 31

2009-11-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

I think editing that video for ALL of Sunday on iMovie (yes, El, iMovie... I'm taking one to one classes with Apple so they can teach me to be less retarded with my Mac) made me forget that I owe this blog a little something called the NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

Here I go:

YOU MUST: Go someplace familiar to you, but go when you usually are not there. Church on a Wednesday, perhaps? Docu-blog it in any way you choose.

NOTE: This assignment is coming to me from the morbid reality that 6 more of my friends lost their jobs at my company and I'm wondering what it would be like to be home on a week day... I may find out soon.

DUE DATE: NEXT Sunday, the 29th by midnight (I'm accounting for us probably not wanting to blog on Thanksgiving, otherwise I'd make this a straight week).

PUNISHMENT: You must video tape yourself eating a whole can of cranberry sauce in under 5 minutes. And then you must video tape yourself shitting yourself. Ain't no one s'posed to have that much cranberry.

meep.

2009-11-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

where is my next assignment.

oh so lost without it,
laura.

Ahhhhh- GEEK OUT

2009-11-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

ASSIGNMENT 30 , COMPLETE. I AM INDEED A GEEK.

assignment 30 complete.

2009-11-13T21:26:00.000-08:00

GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS.
i got to geek out in the best way ever (drool, slobber, study, slobber!)

in two weeks my friend arnie will update his podcast, stupid nerd, which will feature an interiew with me....about neon genesis evangelion. that's right. i spent my thursday night talking about the finer points of my favorite anime. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

here is the link?
http://mysterycove.libsyn.com/index.php?post_category=stupidnerd
thank you arnie! i am still blushing!

p.s. the podcast will probably be way too long...because i refused to shut up. just rent the series. it will be worth it, more that experiencing the 2012 apocalypse with john cusack.

also i had a job where i got to look like an elf. and. i. legitmately. enjoyed. wearing. the. elf. ears.

is this my good side... ....or my 7th level druid night elf side?

i miss you world of warcraft.
and i just might rejoin you now that i have made more than $100.00.

GEEK!

aSSignment 30: geek out.

2009-11-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

According to the urban dictionary, which, apparently, is an online dictionary of slang phrases that you or i could post a definition to and then have people vote on how good or bad our definition is...

To GEEK OUT "means":

1. To participate in or talk excessively about a current interest or obsession which is not part of mainstream culture.

2. To enthusiastically share details about a current interest which is of little or no importance to your audience.

Ex.: She told me not to geek out about capoeira unless I had something new to say...

...so i talked about rei ayanami instead!

Your assignment is to geek out about something and to post an assignment about it.
You can chronicle how you geeked out, or geek out to us, i don't care...just take a moment and let us in to your geekdom.

You have until next Sunday. Midnight.

Punish: You have to talk about the finer points of Gilligan's Island to the cutest person you see at the coffee-shop where you get your morning coffee.

P.S. just so we are all clear, as i write this it is friday night and am at home alone taking a break from trying to make that harmonic sound come out of my electric guitar. GEEEk!

Oh, and dear reader, expect more of this....

pant, pant!!!!!

I'm Scary!

2009-11-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

It's true.

Also, I'm not gonna lie, I might have used this assignment to eat a bite sized snickers.
And that's right, i use the phrase "pubescent girl body," to describe what i really think is at the crux of the novel and to a lesser extent the film "The Exorcist."

You can't read the scrolling credits very well but the barbies are on loan from a toy theatre adaptation of the 11th century epic poem, Beowulf. Ask me about it!

Also, i tried to make a way better into for this, like with Svengoolie* type panache. But like my scoliosis riddled spine, it didn't turn out so well. Here are the out-takes.

Thank you everyone, for watching that and not dumping me.

*fyi, this is svengoolie, an idol of mine.

And when is someone gonna get me a decent haircut?

Assignment 29: Paranormal Puking

2009-11-04T00:36:00.000-08:00

Assignment Twenty Nine : Hallo, Ween.

2009-10-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

In honor of spooky holidays and slutty weather...

The assignment, if you dare:

Watch a scary movie. Any. Recreate (in any way) your favorite scene for ze blog.

DUE: Next Wednesday, November 4th

Punishment: For three nights in a row, go to sleep to the movie Candyman.

what i hate

2009-10-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

is a draft.

not like a draft of a paper, those are kind of a nuisance, but a draft of cold air.
the kind of draft that slinks in under your window
in the dark dark uncozy night or in the unfriendly morning,
the draft that seeks out your tiny pre-osteoperosis-old-lady-bones
and makes you shiver. with. an unholy. sense of your mortality. i exaggerate.

exhibit a.

storm window! go down! go fuck yourself!

exhibit b:

you can't read it because the dial machine is a failure on almost all counts. i will translate it says: "laura, touch me. mmmmm, do it. push my dial up past 65, or hey, 70, doesn't 70 feel soooooooooo good? mmmmm?" (laura touches dial machine.) dial machine goes:"70! you just spent 70 dollars HAHAHAHAHA!" (laura doesn't think it's funny.)

exhibit c:

my only friend. (it's a space heater)

until my encounter with.....

A YETI! GAH! and HELLO KITTY FLANNEL P.J.'s!!! AHHH!

dear draft,
i now like you because in you i have found a semi-legitimate excuse to live out my dream of dressing like an anime character, dressing like a yeti-monster, in my own home.

YETI SAY: BI-BI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YETI GO BI-BI!!!!!!!

The one I like now....

2009-10-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

El Grey- You wanted us to do something we hate and find something we like about it. How very fortuitous that the week of this assignment, I happened to get an audition (my first in a good two months)! I. Hate. Going. On. Auditions. But Kate, aren’t you trying to be an actress/comedian? Yes, but I don’t have to love everything about it. Plumbers don’t like when shit gets on their clothes, but it’s part of the job. I don’t like being the short, fat girl in a room full of super tall, ‘rexer blondes with fake tits and toenails (for serious), but that’s part of my job here in LA… compete for the uncompetable. New word.
I’ve made a list of everything that I hate about commercial auditions and this one in particular (for Taco Bell), and I have found an equal and opposite reason to like it.

HATE: Every breakdown I ever get describes the part I am auditioning for as something of the following, “Plain to normal looking. The girl next door”. [Oh, you mean the UGLY girl next door] “Not too pretty”. “From the Midwest” “Someone you might see working in a WalMart”. This audition was “Normal to Attractive Looking”

LIKE: The word attractive made it into this breakdown and the prefix un- was not there!

HATE: Having to get changed into a daytime whore costume at my office, leaving work and driving in the hot sun whilst sweating off daytime whore make-up (fuck YOU October weather), and having to parade my daytime whore self four blocks from the parking spot in the 2:00pm hour to the casting office.

LIKE: I got to leave work in the daytime. Suck it, suckers!

HATE: Girls sitting in waiting area sizing me up and judging me with their eyes.

LIKE: That I care about this audition 100 times less than they do. Again, suck it suckers.

HATE: Lines like, “Is that guy eating the new crispy taco from Taco Bell?” being taken with any level of seriousness.

LIKE: The new crispy taco?

HATE: Girls being fake-nice afterwards.

LIKE: My voice isn’t that octave.

HATE: I didn’t book it and someone else made allllll that money.

LIKE: Most of these girls didn’t book it. So please.... Suck. It. Suckers.

assignment 28: that thing you hate.

2009-10-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

deceptively simple.
you know that thing you hate?
find a reason to like it.

blog about it.

deadline: let's give us a week so next tuesday at the midnight.
punishment: do the drunk assignment. again.

love!
laura!

assignment 27

2009-10-18T22:56:00.000-07:00

oh how little i get done.
i too, wanted to see where the spirit sent me when i got drunk, thinking i would maybe find some new dance moves, or say something really honest and profound, or at least create a scene.

instead, i texted people.

i went to a fancy fundraiser for a very fancy theater company.
two glasses of wine later (yes that is all it takes,) i tried to help plan the post party.
also according to the following transmission, i might hate women.

12:00 am 10/17/09

on train bitch some to ttrader todds bitch before one am bitch come on mike can come. bitches. remind me to tell you something when we get home. Bitch.

(fyi: mike did not come)

12:25 am 10/1/00

(last helpful piece of party planning info)
in the bak bitc

AND THAT'S ALL ShE WrOTE. Seriously.

p.s. i love women. as long as everyone is my bitch!

Assignment 27: Drunky Brewster

2009-10-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

I decided to wait until I was drunk to decide what I was going to do while drunk. I completed two tasks.

One: Free style rap into my phone's voice memo while at waiting at a taco truck for my burrito to appear. I have transcribed the rap. Here it go:

Dick Suck. Dick Suck.

[unclear mumble, then] ZOO.

Dance Floor. Dance Floor. Guess where we've been

Angelina! [Editor's note: Not clear, could also be "Orangina"]

I'm a hip hop club. I'm AT a hip hop club.

I look at Vitamin Water. I am a Diet Coke.

HERE'S MY BURRITO. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Keeping it classy.

Secondly... I decided to run up my apartment stairs. Double chin in tow. Here it go:

ASSIGNMENT 27: Drunk anything

2009-10-05T20:14:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the Drunk History videos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6V_DsL1x1uY I give you assignment 27.

Drunk ANYTHING.

L, these past couple of months have been pretty hard for me. I need a release. I need to either get therapy or get drunk. I don't have any money for the former, so we're going for the latter.

Assignment: Get drunk. Do something. Document it. Make a drunk painting or cook a drunk meal. Just A. Get drunk B. Do ANYthing C. Present it.

Not that creative of an assignment, but this motherfucker is going to be fun.

Rules: Be safe. No driving.

Deadline: I'm giving us two weeks for this one just in case we don't have any time to do this in a safe manner. Do it by Sunday October 18th. If we both get it done before then, well good for us, we can move on.

Punishment: If either of us can't do this in two weeks then we are retarded. Therefore the punishment will be to record ourselved making fun of retarded people. Ain't no one like that video. Repercussions gay-lore!

My first fail

2009-10-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I failed Assignment 26 big time. And then for my punishment I was supposed to call and apologize to Laura. So I did it from work, and I recorded it with my cell phone video camera. And guess what... (You've never heard the following from me before)... I can't figure out how to upload the video!!! AND it got cut off. So I've sent it in a video message to Laura. She's now got a voice mail from me and a video message from me.

I did, in my own defense, find a stand up competition to enter, but I don't have $40. My main goal was "Free Candy Contest", because that's all I ever really want- free candy. Nothing much going on now in terms of free candy.

How about I make up my own contest called, who can put a spin on why they failed assignment 26 so big.... (I will win this one).

- My huge showcase happened the week this was due. Been planning it since May.
- I had to go to my cousin's wedding which involved 14 hours of travel but less than 24 hours in the town of the wedding.
- Six more people (all my friends this time) got fired from work, so I am working extra hard now to not meet the same fate.
- I think sometimes I am too sad in LA to be anything other than lazy.
- I took a much needed day trip with my boyfriend to San Diego.

Yeah? Did I win? Did I spin it to satisfaction?
K8

CONTESTUALIZE.

2009-09-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

okay guys i have been scouring the web for contests.

in the spirit of contests, here are the runners up....

1.) blog cabin from the diy channel. somehow you blog to compete for a log cabin. after my hot water heater broke today and i almost cried, i concluded i could not rough it.

2.) any viral video contest that promised the winner over 10,000 to like make a viral video about some company's mediocre product. discovered that to win you need people to click on your video. and i do not own that many friends.

3.) every commercial audition i go on and do not win.

i have decided on two contests to enter, one of the body and one of the mind.

first, i am going to enter a flash fiction contest for women writers.
i have not written any fiction in a good long while.
i'm pretty bad at it, really, because i labor over plot until i hate all my ideas and can't spell anything. but flash fiction, or what i have gleaned about--rachel you will probably school me, is neat because it is really short! so maybe if i keep trying i'll come up with--as i used to say when i was in the improv biz "something wonderful right away." FLASH. i'm kind of excited. NO ONE WILL READ MY ENTRY, however. it will probably be about ghosts or vampires. or world of warcraft. BECAUSE I WILL BE TOO EMBARASSED. (how many words have i spelled wrong in this entry already?)

proof:
http://wow-womenonwriting.com/contest.php

oh yeah, and second, i am going to try the 30 days for 30 dollars offer at a bikram yoga studio in andersonville. because i need to fight my namby pamby instincts to fear extreme temperatures. also, i subbed into a show tonight and discovered that i do not fit into any of my show pants. i don't have the money to buy new show pants.

also, i will probably not make it past the first day.
but if i do i will have WON!

love it.
laura.

assignment 26: contest conquest.

2009-09-21T14:09:00.001-07:00

i'm feeling a little competitive.
not with you kate,
but with the world.

check out the lady sporting the laurel leaves. this picture leads me to believe she either won at reading, or being painted.

okay, so here is the assignment:
find a contest. any contest. enter it.
then try to win it.
hopefully this contest will win you money, but really i don't care if you want to spend your time trying to score a years supply of mrs. butterworth bottles (we all know you love waffles.) hopefully, you will share.

i don't know what the rules or the time line are for this contest, so
your post need only tell us what you are doing.
it goes without saying you need to update us with your contest conquest later.

you have almost a week to research
sunday midnight your time.

punishment: there is no excuse. you will have to call me on the phone and apologize.

boomsauce.
laura.

Assignment 25-

2009-09-20T18:04:00.000-07:00

I need a Garage Band tutorial. I need a "How the fuck do you upload a song onto the internet" tutorial. Why won't Youtube just let me upload a song? Huh?

So I did what I could- Below is a video of a computer playing a song I composed with Garage Band. I have failed to "rock out" . The Cranberries and their "Dreams"........ shattered.

assignment twentyerohfsdhfsalk

2009-09-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

k8!

miss the days of mee-ow.
miss you.

did i mention my neighbors think i'm weird?

i like that when i hold my fingers up for two, you can only see one. nice framing grey. also, i think i misused the cropping function on my video editing software. meaning i didn't want to crop anything but i did anyway. why can't i DO ANYTHING RIGHT! snivel, snivel.

more importantly, if you're are in the mood for something more...erhm, legit, let this musical mayhem wash over you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AepyGm9Me6w

ahh, it's like a campy lullaby.

end transmission.
alura.

Assignment 25: Mee-Ow-meries

2009-09-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

Jesus! I can't post these assignments in a timely manner.

Laura, you and I were in a sketch/improv group together called Mee-Ow. Two weekends ago, two of our friends from a Mee-Ow group I was in, were married (Daniel and Bridget DID IT!).

On the car ride there, two other Mee-Ow alums were carpooling with me (Martha and Jason). Mee-ow CD listening ensued. More Mee-Ow alums at the wedding (Gorbos, John Dixon, Alex Marlin, Briggs Hatton). Mee-Ow reminiscing ensued. The car ride there reminded me that though I am not a good singer, I sure did love feeling like a rock star. I want to feel like a rock star again.

The Assignment: Somehow, perform one of your Mee-Ow reject songs. You know you have some... they didn't make the cut because "Bye Bye Bye" and "Tequila" did.

The Punishment: Perform, in it's entirety "Ryan and Lee" (which for the record was a good sketch, but REALLY gets stuck in your head).

Due Date: Monday, Midnight your time

And yes, it is ILLEGAL how stunning Bridget is.

assgnment 24.

2009-09-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

first of all, this is not me...

second of all, this is not me now, but it was me then--it was highschool marching band day at the NU football game...*

*(careful, this is the most boring video i have ever taken, unless you like watching women struggle with their flag core moves. do you like how i put the footnote as close as possible to the statement i was notating? i learned that in college, you don't do that. i sure learned a lot.)

but northwestern totally won you guys! and it was the first time i set foot in the stadium after graduation, but before i ever watched a football game! ridiculous. i even stood up during plays because i a.) knew what was happening and b.) wanted to see what was happening and c.) cared.
i've grown into an amateur college football fan, something i never thought i would do. not ground shaking,

oh yeah, and because you probably want to know, this is me now...

THE END.

Assignment 24: Get an assignment notebook

2009-09-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am going to Jefferson Jr. High tomorrow for my first day of 7th grade. It is scary. I wonder why my armpits sweat a lot. Maybe by the time I get to high school I will get so self-conscious about it that I will put a weird medicine under my arms to close my armpit pores, but then be hugely allergic to it as it turns my armpits yellow and I go into the bathroom to itch my pits and cry during every passing period. MAYBE!

You know me, diary, going back to school is all about the new things I get. Mom put asterisks in the store ads next to the school supplies I am allowed to get.

She even let me pick a new backpack. It has to be a Jansport because she's not going to pay a lot of money if it doesn't last through high school.

She also took me to Kohls for some clothes on sale. I wonder why she won't let me shop at Gap and Old Navy like the cool kids. Here is something I now own. Thanks, stupid Kohls.

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/clearance/juniors1/tops/PRD~478347/Unionbay+DipHugDyed+Polo.jsp

And also, I wanted these. Aren't they soooooo hot?:

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/shoes/juniors/mulesandclogs/PRD~386790/Unionbay+Park+Patchwork+Clogs.jsp

But she wouldn't let me get them... instead I had to get these:

http://www.kohls.com/kohlsStore/shoes/juniors/casual/PRD~472817/SO+Benji+Moccasins.jsp

I am most excited about junior high because they have something called snack bar. It's different than hot lunch. It's nachos and milkshakes. I can buy them for $2. I will eat them all the time, with no respect for the fact that one day, when I am 27 specifically, eating such nonsense and not concurrently getting obscenely fat will no longer be possible.

I hope Dan Stowell and I are boyfriend and girlfriend this year. We will talk on the phone a lot. I will give him a kiss on a cheek a year later and have guilt.

Love,

Kate, circa age 12

assignment 24

2009-09-07T09:55:00.000-07:00

assignment 24 (which is what i hope the number is...because i am too lazy to check.)

it's fall yo.
but for me i no longer live in the land of structured activities
and for kate there are no seasons.

so, for our next assignment we are going to go back to school.

both kate and i are the girl outside the picture crying because that pretty b is talking about us.

yeah, kate, CHALLANGE!
whatever it means to you...go back to school and post it on here.

deadline next sunday at midnighty night!
punishment: sharpen 50 number 2 pencils by hand sharpener.

end transmission.

PUNISHMENT!

2009-09-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

well,
shootskies!

i thought this was due TODAY by five. but rule number one: no excuses. breaking rule number one, i should tell you that part of the reason i am punished is that i went to michigan on friday to see my first ever football game in the big house. it was pretty cool, and you might notice i picked up a few "athletic" "pointers" which have served me well.

so take that desmond howard. laura and kate come to rock the pigskin, on your face style.

p.s. i totally broke my glasses.
p.p.s and maybe threw out my back...also i think my neighbors hate me, because i am weird.

the end.
laura.

Assignment 23: My own color commentary

2009-09-05T16:32:00.001-07:00

Okay so disclaimer. I ended up hating this assignment and I invented it. I decided I should dance to hip hop because I think it is something I am good at. Then my life exploded and I moved and moving is hard hard HARD and boy do I have so many pimples because of it and September is fucking HOT. So I ended up having to film the commentary of the video in my empty bathroom of my old apartment so it sounds terrible, but suck it suckers... its the only seat left in the place.

Assignment 23: Wanna be like Mike

2009-08-26T10:48:00.001-07:00

In honor of this being assignment 23, (the number that will forever be known to this Chicagoan as the number of one Mr. Michael Jordan), we shall focus in on sports for a change

Assignment: Think about something you are good at. ANYTHING at all. No, it does not have to be sports. Make a video of yourself doing it. Then make a video of yourself watching that video of yourself, while giving commentary on it LIKE a sports announcer. That's right, it's a bit meta.

Punishment: Video of yourself doing a sport... and you and I BOTH look stupid doing sports, El.

Deadline: A week and a half let's say. Saturday Sept 5 BY MIDNIGHT your time.

KNOCK KNOCK

2009-08-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

MONDAY: trying to make a pun about what i ate for lunch and ending up judging my current state of unemployment knock knock.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Tuna.

Tuna who?

Tuna instrument and go get a job in an orchestra you lazy lout!

***********************************************************
TUESDAY: change your mind knock knock

Knock knock

Whose there?

Leaf.

Leaf who?

LEAF ME ALONE!

*******************************************

WEDNESDAY: illiciting jealously knock knock

KNOCK KNOCK!!!

Who's there?

SUPER TALENTED ACTRESS STARRING IN HER OWN WEBSERIES/TV SHOWS BY YOUR FAVORITE TV WRITER/ALSO PRETTY/ALSO LIKES NERD THINGS/ALSO ALSO REALLY LONG HAIR!!!

oh.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

*********************************************
THURSDAY: semi-transylvanian knock knock

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Ivan.

Ivan Who?

Ivan my money back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FRIDAY: Jane Austin knock knock

Knock knock.

To whom may i have the pleasure of inviting in unannounced?

It's me.

It's me who.

It's me knickers all in a tangle over Mr. Darcy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SATURDAY: dirty knock knock

Knock knock

Who's there

Fuck.

Fuck who?

Fuck you. (keeps talking even though she doesn't open the door) Yeah that's right. Uh. That's what I'm gonna do. (stands there. gets bored. leaves.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUNDAY: judgemental knock knock

Knock knock

Who's there.

Police.

Police who?

Police stop with all the awful knock knock jokes already.

TRANSMISSION OUT.

Knock Knock-It's assignment 22

2009-08-23T16:47:00.000-07:00

Pay no attention to the head behind the green blanket.

Presenting: A knock knock joke for every day of the week.....

assignment 22:

2009-08-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

knock knock

who's there?

assignment.

assignment who?

assignment 22 is to post a knock knock joke for every day of the week.
you can make them up, or find old ones.

post this bitch: next monday by 6pm. (you can post them all in one post.)
punishment: jerry lewis impression. on tape. on the blog.

21: My summer chooses five

2009-08-16T17:45:00.000-07:00

THIS SUMMER:

1. Taught at the Cherubs program at Northwestern University from the end of June through July. It is hard. Is is exhausting. It is the most important thing I do with my life. It feeds my insides. The kids this year were extraordinary. I miss them. I miss the way it makes me feel about me.

2. Because I was in Chicago, I got to see my niece and nephew a lot. Usually in my dorm room. Check out this video of Hoksila and Gloria Kate. He is using my toothbrush as an arm washer and pretending to shower behind my window curtain.

3. Mac Book Pro. Motherfuckers! I went Mac this summer- those commercials got to me finally. It's the sexiest thing I've ever owned (and I own a LOT of Barack Obama pictures). My wallet is sexily thin for the next year because of it.

4. Scariest thing to ever happen to me occurred two days after I got back to LA (about a week and a half ago as I write this): Robbed at gunpoint. Do not have video or photo of this event.

5. And because being mugged at gunpoint isn't enough, I have had extreme apartment problems since returning. Plants growing through my kitchen floor anyone? Grain beetles (yeah, those aren't crumbs) eating everything in my cabinets so that I need to fog the apartment and even THEN they don't all die so I have to throw out $200 of food AND call an exterminator? AND MY OVEN/MICROWAVE BROKE? August can SUCK IT long and hard.

Yay for ending on a frustrating/gross/bad note!!!

assignment 21.

2009-08-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

here is a list.
the list is in no particular order on account of my thoughts don't want to hurt my other thought's feelings.

1.) this is a picture of a pimms cup. it is a cocktail with mint, cucumber, ginger ale and the liquor known as pimms #1. i am going to make it at my house tonight because i am hosting my first cocktail party. really, i hope the cocktail partly will be a gateway party to things like key parties, or rave parties, or killing people with machete parties. this is the first step down on the downward spiral of my adult life and i am loving it. PIMMS!

(also, i like that the picture of the pimms cup might actually be the headshot of Alexandra Grablewski. I hope she books the pimms commercial. you deserve it Alexandra, you went the extra mile to look the part!)

2.) three words, one of them redundant.
Laura on Laura.
it's a tale of two laura's.
it's Laura talking to another chick named Laura.

confused? so am i. it's a show i am trying to write now that i am officially unemployed. it's about comebacks so i feel like i should post about it because that makes it loosely related to this blog. anyway, here is a podcast of something i did not write, but is very silly and very close to the heart in my brain.

http://www.barrelofmonkeys.org/podcast/episode/018_friends/
i really wanted to show you the video of magical place that someone filmed at that's weird grandma on monday night but i am not on facebook. boo.

3.) Here is an excerpt from a Haruki Murakami novel called "Kafka on the Shore." I read it at the beginning of the summer and then I read more books. this one got me started reading. I'm not sure i totally understand this book and at the same time i do not know that I care that i don't. I will read it again someday, and all the other books! Anyway, here is where the character Johnnie Walker (the guy on the whisky bottle) explains why he does what he does...

"Listen--I'm not killing cats just for the fun of it. I'm not so disturbed i find it amusing." he went on. "I'm not just some dilettante with time on his hands. It takes time and effort to gather and kill this many cats. I'm collecting them to collect their souls, which I use to create a special kind of flute. And when I blow that flute it'll let me collect even larger souls. Then I'll collect larger souls and make an even bigger flute."

isn't that why we are all doing it?
also, this book made me scared.

4.) gift. i love it.

5.) montreal is a city in quebec in canada in north america on the globe called earth in the solar system. you should go there in the summer.

list done.
yay!

Assignment WE'RE BACK BITCHES

2009-08-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

KATE WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR SINGLE-HANDEDLY RUNNING THE BLOG INTO THE GROUND. IT WAS NOT HER INTENTION. THE UPSIDE IS SHE NOW KNOWS A HIDDEN TALENT: "SCREECHING HALTS".

KATE'S MOTHER WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING HER.

This week's assignment: Top Five We Missed. However you decide to do it... give us the top five moments of your summer since the blog halted. (Also, "top" doesn't have to mean good, so perhaps instead of "top" five moments it should be "Crucial" five moments in shaping your summer).

Due: Next Sunday, August 16th by midnight your time.

We're back, bitches.

Back on Track

2009-08-07T16:20:00.001-07:00

El- New Assignment will be up this Sunday. Along with an apology letter from me for ruining the blog.

And an apology letter from my mother for making me.

Kate

assignement twenty

2009-06-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

5 FUN FACTS ABOUT LAKE MICHIGAN!

1.) It's roughly larger than the country of Croatia! And I bet it has more dead fish too!

2.) It and its cousins the Great Lakes (cool family name alert!) have been around since the Ice Age when giant ice glaciers scored the land with their giant ice bodies! They were the victim of land rape but survived to tell the tale--makes you feel good to know that those pesky glaciers don't always get the upper hand, doesn't it?

3.) When there is traffic i usually transform into an evil, rage filled, road gremlin in my vehicle. Not on Lake Shore Drive! It's pretty! There's a Ferris Wheel! A wave pool! Not too skinny people running--good for them! Dude on Rollerblades! And in the winter--the color WHITE! Also i like that Chicagoans abbreviate lake shore drive as plain old "LSD." it makes me feel like a road hippie instead.

4.) I drink its water straight out of the tap, every morning. Saves me a shit ton of money to buy fig newtons and shelf bra tank tops.

5.) It's bigger than me. It's older than me. It's greater than me. But i don't care. And i genuinely like having it around. Philosophical comfort alert!

BYE!

Compl-eat: Assignment Twent-HEYYY

2009-06-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

What do I love about my city? The desserts. Yeah no one wants to talk about the desserts in LA because no one else but me eats them. It's like if no one drove cars in Texas- all that oil would be YOURRRRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I bring you something I love about my city in the shape of desserts in the shape of free verse poems

APPLE FRITTER FROM "BOB'S DOUGHNUTS".

Yes, Dicky, you can share with me.

No, Dicky, I changed my mind.

This apple. This fritter. This be mine.

Crunchy on the outside. Soft on the in. Like. Me.

Real apple?

Then let's play pretend. Let's pretend you are healthy.

Just over a dollar?

Fuck you, Bob's. That's called enabling a habit forming addiction.

Apple.

Motherfucking.

Fritter.

PINKBERRY FRO YO FROM "PINKBERRY"

Fruit or cocoa pebbles or mochi balls go on you.

You are frozen yogurt but you taste like lemon.

You taste like a mystery.

You taste like a secret.

You taste like Hush Hush. Hushhhhhhhh.

You have crack cocaine in you.

That is probably the secret hush hush mystery.

APPLE PIE SHAKE FROM "8 OZ BURGER BAR"

I only just found you and you rocked my world hard.

Like a rock that is hard. A hard rock. If. You. Will.

There's no describing you, except for to call you by name.

Apple Pie Shake.

Yep. That's exactly what you are.

You don't

fuck

around.

COTTON CANDY CUPCAKE FROM "CRUMBS"

You don't even make sense. And yet,

you are everything child Kate has ever wanted in a sweet.

Nothing could ever over-shadow your creation. Unless of course...

Skittles Sandwich on Nerds Bread.

Child Kate is still holding out for that.

assignment twen-tay!

2009-06-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

this is (maybe) a hard one, because I am currently trapped in a bubble of negativity about the ants in my apartment and lack of career options...BUT...

you have one week to capture something that you love about the city that you live in.
or just "like like" if you are not into that love kind of thing.

GO!

deadline: next sunday the 21 of june. midnight.

punishment: sign up for a twitter account. twitter "(insert your name here) is gay for giant cheeseballs from cheetos." every hour, on the hour, for an entire day. question: do you have those weird giant cheetos cheeseballs that come in packs of two at the grocery store in LA? because if not that is maybe the thing I love about Chicago.

Sincerely,
Misses Kisses--the best of the Midwest.

Assignment 19 Kompleat

2009-06-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

Okay here is the saga with this.
1. I forgot.
2. I filmed something when I saw my video camera as I was leaving this morning.
3. I tried every computer at work and nothing would upload this video onto the blog. (Waiting out 3 hours of "uploading" on one computer)
4. I made a Youtube site for us on the chance that it would upload better. It did

And yes, I laugh sometimes when I see Dicky laughing. I think we are hilarious which of course, makes us not hilarious.

assignment 19 complete

2009-06-09T07:24:00.000-07:00

i had to do it. my childhood obsessive means of self expression--the acrostic!

L oving and caring like a lollipop
A lways sweet but not too much
U gh! boys are making fun of this.
R adaliscious to the extreme, i got them back, yeah!
A re you listening? Butterflies.

i wrote this, and while i wrote this i pouted the whole time, like this...

Assignment 19- Flashback, Flashback Style

2009-06-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

I watched Mr. Mom last night. I used to watch that movie as a kid. It turns out I really liked being a kid better than I do being a Kate now. So let's go back.

Your task is do to something that you would have done as a kid and capture it any way you see fit. (Note: If I lived near my sister, I would complete the assignment by hiiting her and lying about it).

You have until next Tuesday, June 9 to do so. Go wild.

Punishment: You have to apply for three office jobs online, you fucking adult, you.

assignment complete.

2009-05-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

get it?

that cupcake is gonna explode all over your face.
(comcast still sucks.)

18: The hand took me forever and the rocks are brown

2009-05-28T23:39:00.001-07:00

assignment 18:

2009-05-26T15:06:00.000-07:00

hello there.
laura and kate just went coporate.

or at least we're gonna look it.
the assignment is to doodle--
and i mean doodle because the last thing i want to do is give one of us a complex about not being able to draw-
a logo for laura and kate will rock your face.

color it, but only if you want to.
take a picture of it.
post it.

this is a simple one, so this sunday. midnight.
punishment: give yourself HIV. just kidding. and i apologize for being in such poor taste. the punishment is to do something, anything in support of your most hated corporation. so if you hate comcast (i do,) you have to sit on the phone until you reach a comcast operative and tell them how much you love their service. document it. facerawk.

punishment.

2009-05-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

i don't usually like to be the one that has to go first.
but i do like to take responsibility for my actions: and i did not complete the assigment on time, mostly for lack of pre-planning for a memorial day weekend out of town, and for that i must pay.

enough excuses.
on with the pain.

for those of you too lazy to read back to the punishment for the assignment, i have to publish an entry from my childhood diary.

allow me to say that while cracking open my journal from freshman year i was half hoping to find some nuggets of proustian wisdom, or at least some pissed off lines poetry raw enough to write a punk rock song about. there is this real cool event called mortified where people read aloud writing from their younger years and it is often very telling, very hilarious, and very insightful. spoiler alert: i was just a dumbass fourteen year old with a decent vocabulary and NOTHING worth writing about.

some more background on the diary (to delay the inevitable entry itself.)
it is a black spiral bound volume with some woman's face on it from an italian fresco--i probably spent the entirety of that months allowance on it, and its DEFINITELY the most pretentious looking volume a teenager could find in Barnes and Noble. it has this gentle, yet profound reminder etched in the front with a number two pencil: "A LOT IS TWO WORDS." ladies and gentlemen, advice (if that's what it was meant to be) to live by.

oh, and i will spare you the entry which i wrote while procrasting on a hamlet paper. i replaced all the words "has" and "is" with "hath." i'm not kidding.

and another one where i honest to god reference "acid jazz." no lie.

this is an entry that i taped into the journal. i have no idea why. it sounds like i am sneaking out of the house that night though i have no recollection of ever doing something like that successfully. i mostly stayed inside and watched MTV and the knife show on QVC. i date it at the very end: july 17.

i try to keep the original punctuation, capitalization, and line breaks as best as possible to the original, you know, because its all intentional. my comments in brackets. {i had to.}

"so far i have an empty downstairs talking to me in creepy house-speak *shhhh* shut the hell up at Bed Time *oh* {Right here there is a LOOOOng space} but {Another LOOOOng space}

{New paragraph} I'm not tired instead I'm raging in fact but the outside is even more oppresive what with the neighbors burgler lights & the shadows left by the street lamps & the pourous lava rocks awaiting my nervous feet clutching the window sill my hands splayed on the screenless hole in the wall (to freedom to nowhere) but i stay & stew because now the malaise has set in & I am active enough only to terrorize my freshest set of misquito bites & take a peek every so often at the unlit candle* I left outside to let my visitor know I am here-- the visit which was supposed to arrive an hour ago (give or take a few exstatic moments of course.) my itchy little welts mock me as they grow bigger and my train of thought chugs smaller & smaller at each rotation.

...& goddamn my ankle itches why can't i secrete calamine lotion from my pores like people who secret calamine from their pores can...

{At this point i let loose on what's really going on...she's upset about a boy! suprise!}

I'll go to Great America & I'll cry & no one will notice & that's good that's great in fact 'cause crying is fucking stupid & i never asked to be loved even though i probably wanted to be but it's no fun 'cause you're on your tippy toes just to keep it (That's not a metaphor. I'm pretty sure the boy i'm talking about was really tall.) & i hope i fall off the damn roller coaster {yeah--swears!} & wave as i plummet to my death after all. My hands are too small for me to be beautiful anyway. {What?}

{Later i write the first stanza to the following poem. Bear in mind that it is highly unlikely i had passed second base at this point in time. }

How far we income (sic.)
For a cheap feel and a pulse tone
I hate that i want you to
Figure 8 my back
I hate that you could be someone
Else when you do that
(editors note:WHAAAAAAAAT?)

AND THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE.
YOU GUYS ARE WELCOME.
NEXT TIME I'LL GET THIS THING IN ON TIME.
BYE!

*(editors note from the future back to the past in the form of advice: consider that an UNLIT candle is maybe the least effective beacon system one could fashion for a night heist, and probably the reason they never showed up. you dumbass.)

Assignment 17 Complete: I present to you Kate's Bitcheeeeeeeeeeeees

2009-05-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to my friends at work!

Assignment 17: I am 16 going on 17

2009-05-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

There were 7 Von Trapp children in "The Sound of Music". I know because I started to ask Google the question, it filled the second half of the question in for me, and BOOM, now I have my answer.

Pertinence? Read on.

The assignment: Record 7 people you know/are friends with/date/cheat on with the person you are dating marching forward and stating their name and relationship to you as the Von Trapps had to do when the Captain blew his whistle. Oh yeah, also figure out what your call would be, since neither of us own a sea-whistle (or do you Laura?!).

Clarification: The seven people do not all have to be together. You can do them at different times in different locations.

Goal: We will be people persons. We will be directors.

Punishment: Post a diary entry from your childhood.

Deadline: I am not sure how to set this deadline... this will either be a really quick task or a really long one. Let's aim for Sunday March 24. Subject to change if either party feels this is unfair.

Q: How do you solve a problem like Maria!?! A: Take away her right to vote and pay her less than what her male counterpart makes.

assignment sweet 16 complete

2009-05-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

just so everyone knows.
this blog entry proves to me that i am part peter pan, part hideous.

and YES that is LIPSTICK you see all over my teeth.
and NO i did not do that on purpose.

ENJOY,
laura.

Assignment Six Sweeteen: Girly Movie

2009-05-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

My mother gives me movies for different holidays. Not movies she has seen, but movies that she thinks look "cute". "I heard it was cute". - Lorraine Mulligan on "Shallow Hal"
"Looked really cute".- Lorraine Mulligan re: Christmas gift of "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium".

I needed to do something girly for this, our 16th assignment, so I decided it might be a perfect time to finally watch one of those "cute" movies. I landed on "Must Love Dogs" which seemed the right combo of cute and girly and tolerable. John Cusack is in it after all... and I think it's funny how fat he has gotten.

Girly Movie: A journey in photographs:
Hey movie piggy, don't eat ice cream... eat low fat yogurt! Girly!

HOW ZANY! These people just broke into song at the family dinner table. I've never seen that before! GIRLY!

Don't cry, Kate, Diane Lane is just acting. That monologue she gave about her husband who stopped loving her isn't real. Totally moving, though, huh? That's something you can understand as a woman, little one... sometimes men will stop loving you and it will make you extra sad. GIRLY!

YAAAAAAY! John Cusack and Diane, after a series of unfortunate misunderstandings, DO get together. But not before she gets on a crew boat and rows out to the lake where he is rowing and jumps off and swims to him. Like in real life! Girly!

Unseen: After movie I had a pillow fight in my panties.

assignment sweet 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-04T23:20:00.001-07:00

america, you're welcome.
you're gonna get a laura and kate's debutante ball about 10-12 years late.

assignment:
do something unabashedly girly. document it however you see fit. cover your mouth and go "tee-hee."

deadline: next wednesday at midnight, but if you do it early you get extra chick points.
punishment: spend 5 minutes watching wwf clips on the internet. while your webcam watches you.

Assignment 15: En fuego

2009-05-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Metabolism-

The letter you hold in your hand is to inform you that you are being let go. This should come as no surprise seeing as how you seemingly have quit your job anyway. Let's be clear, though- you are fired, you did not quit. I need the satisfaction of saying so.

I am required by law to site reasons as to why you are being fired. Though you have been with the company 27 years (and I really do appreaciate the work you did in the early years), you have failed to do your job in the past two years- most notably this year. I have done everything imaginable to help you. I brought in High Fiber cereal to assist you in the mornings- nothing. I brought in herb salad with RAW BROCCOLI in the afternoons to help you complete your duties- nothing. Do you think that bringing them in has brought me pleasure? Nay sir, it has not. It seems that you and Running don't even work well together anymore. I even fired Sweets for all of lent to see if that perhaps would improve productivity. But the company is still an unwavering 5 pounds over budget, and you are doing nothing to help solve the problem. I can't bring in anymore help at this point. I mean RAW BROCCOLI EVERY DAY, what the fuck have you been DOING, man!?!?

Back in the day I might not have cared if we were 5 pounds over budget, but things have changed. The company changed locations to Los Angeles 3.5 years ago, and you know that the demands of an LA business far outweigh (no pun intended) the demands of a Chicago business. So the only things that can change this decision of mine is if we were to relocate back to Chicago or if Brain could convince me to let it go. But Brain has been preoccupied with the changes over in the Hormones department (27 years seems to have been that department's limit in terms of working effectively), so I doubt Brain is going to be able to get together a compelling Power Point as to why you should stay. And for the record- no one is safe. Menses got fired over at Laura Grey and Co. earlier this week. I have half a mind to do the same, but I have to wait and see if my new employee YAZ (started just yesterday) will be able to reign in the Hormone department as promised. $59.14 for that Yaz.... Reclipsen had been $10. This company is doomed.

Metabolism, I feel sad to let you go. We had some good years. Remember in years 14-18 how we would party with Doritos and Mountain Dew on a daily basis and we could still get our work done and no one was the wiser? Those were the glory days before we even had to hire Diet Coke and Light Yoplait. I wish we could go back... I miss HamburgerWheneverYouWant.

Thanks for the memories, Metabolism. I wish you well as you head into this forced retirement. Sorry to cut this short, I need to prepare Salad and Shredded Carrots for today's work.

Regretfully,

Kate E. Mulligan CEO of Kate Mulligan's Body

assignment 15: the scarlet letter/pinkslip.

2009-04-29T11:32:00.000-07:00

why hello laura's menses, you're early for a change.
no matter, i've been waiting for you anyway, come in, come in, take a seat.
that's right, i've taken the pains to tarp the desk chair so please, please, sit down.

i think we both know why you're here.
it's not your individual performance that i am going to critique. in fact, when you are doing your job best i hardly notice you.

it's not even the riff raff that you choose to assosciate with. i can handle a little teeth gritting abdominal pain and clumsiness though, really, couldn't you bring them around after working hours?
yes, you may have a hershey kisses almond. in fact you can take the bowl with you on your way out.
also could you please listen when i talk to you?
that question was rhetorical.
and stop blowing blood bubbles out your nose? you're breaking health code and it's distracting.

look, let me cut to the chase--
yesterday i had a screaming fight about the movie pineapple express and how it related to a wider conspiracy of female neglect in the entertainment industry (please menses no need to interject--i actually really like that movie and no longer care nor understand what i was even talking about which only serves to prove my point further), this morning i awoke with a giant chasm of nothingness before me even though i enjoyed a morning replete with friendly faces and a kitchen fully stocked with delicious fig newtons, and today on the car ride home from rehearsal i got genuinely misty eyed listening to a john mayer song.

which one, you ask?
the one which is the most preachy and the least sexy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f38Ne96R3iE

now, need i take the time to explain to you why that is unacceptable?
ok, GOOD. we are on the same page then.

basically, i have come to the conclusion that i would be better off were visited by a bout of explosive diarrhea each month rather than having you sneak in and try and trick me into thinking i am crazy.

i am not crazy.
i am the motherfucking boss.
and you are fired.

my pastel colored esprit skorts from 1993 thank me.

you've been PINK SLIPPED!
--laura.

assignment 14 wait wait wait!

2009-04-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

AHHHH!

I had these quotes.
I had the memory of posting these quotes when i may or may not have been gorging myself on left overs while watching dvr instead. but i have the quotes. i realize i am being sketchy right now, but i promise to be harder on myself in the future when i am not already so hard on myself.

1.) if you don't totally hate your job, you've WON. --h.s. to me, after i got fired
2.) sometimes i think my life is an elaborate joke being played on me by my self esteem.-- me to myself, after i got fired.
3.) visit my magic box.--title of a poem by an anonymous chicago public school student who clearly has a more refined sense of humor than i do. why am i so immature?

and i have been telling people to visit my magic box ever since.
over and out.
elle.

P.S. i have to add this quote--
really it's a math equation said by my friend ricky in rehearsal when someone questioned the physics of the dolly he created to carry him across stage for a movement piece.

"it's not physics its arithmatic. you talking plus i don't like what you're saying equals fuck you bitch!"

yes. i wish i thought like this when encountering dissent in my daily life. (even though the physics might have been totally off.)

final end transmission.

FIFTEEN: On fire

2009-04-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

I won't say why I'm choosing this. I won't say who I'm choosing this for. But I hope that it helps the secret person who I'm hoping it will help.

The Assignment: Fire someone in your life. OR fire something about your life. Do it in blog form (in other words present the firing to the blog, do not actually fire anyone or anything). You're the boss, you get to do the firing. If it's the friend that's always late to your Wednesday night movie nights, FIRE THEM. If its your water bottle that always leaks in your purse- FIRE IT.

Deadline: Next Sunday, midnight.

Punishment: Eat an entire DiGiorno Rising Crust pizza in one sitting. Film it. Sounds like a delicious and fun punishment, but that rising crust keeps expanding in your belly... you WILL explode.

Assignment 14: Quotent Quotables

2009-04-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

Phew... got this in under the wire.

This week, I have accidentally on purpose overheard:

"He's a sexless elf". Lunch table conversation about Zac Efron.

"Well what does Henry Winkler think about it?". Phone conversation I overheard.

And the final quote I want to share may in fact break the rules of the assignment a bit, but I think it is fascinating that it happened in the same week I was supposed to be collecting quotes. I had a stand up show this past Friday. In one of my bits I talk about throwing up inside my own pants at a dinner party (that's true). A man came up to me after the show and said, "You know I think I may have something for you to use in the future". People are very generous in giving me hilarious jokes of theirs to use. I inwardly rolled my eyes and waited for a pitch, but this guy told me the following. "When you talk about throwing up inside your pants, this guy right next to me turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, that's like you!' and then his friend turned to him and said, 'Dude, that only happened once'. Funny, right?" I have to admit, I was totally charmed that this dude had come up and told me what he had eavesdropped during my set. And yes, it was in fact funny that a guy in the audience had also thrown up inside his own pants and thought that since it only happened once he was not defined by it. No friend- even though it was once, you are totally that dude that has thrown up inside his own pants.

So thank you, random guy at my show, for eavesdropping for me. Won't be doing stand up about it, but I used it in a blog at least!

ASS 14: desire under the eavesdrop

2009-04-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

disclaimer to the title of this assignment: if people stop suggesting i get a nettie pot i will stop posting assignments with punny titles.

ONWARDS!
so i met someone in a bar last night that i had wanted to meet for quite some time. don't get yor panties all grunchy...i wanted to meet them in a respect way and not at all anything romance related.

to my surprise, we actually had a conversation, about like, real stuff...not just the "stuff" stuff you tend to talk about when you are meeting a well respected stranger for the first time and are afraid of offending them because you want them to like you. when i woke up this morning i had that feeling of ghost wisdom where someone said something really smart but you forgot exactly what it was because i didn't write it down.

laura shut up and get to the assignment. yes.

assignment 14: eavesdrop...listen...collect some good living quotes that aren't yet posted on a cheesey website somewhere, or i don't care, they can be bad quotes, just as long as they stand out to you and someone says it in your presence.

give us the top three.

and then here will be that cheesey website!

deadline: next sunday at midnight
punishment: tell your parents about that time you lied. record the phone conversation for us to see.

assignment 13 complete

2009-04-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

i hope this speaks for itself.

and if this post compels you to tell me to get a nettie pot--for the love of god, DON'T!

13, done: Ugly where it is pretty

2009-04-17T01:04:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer 1: I am posting this early because I am headed to the land of the gays tomorrow and will have no computer access.
Disclaimer 2: I did not get dressed up to do this assignment... I had work and then had a show. I look a bit made up, which had nothing to do with assignment.

This is an art exhibit outside the LACMA. It is arguably very pretty.
This is floss.

When I use it I am very ugly.

Here is everything at once!!!

Yes.... I completed the assignment!

EASTER EGG!!

2009-04-17T00:51:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday today, when it was still today (April 16th) to one Ms. Laura Grey. She is a friend I love!

K8!
i am fucking with this post to see if you notice! HAHAHAHA! easter egg surprise!

Look...we are in hell in this picture! HAHAHAHA! Hell!

Laura poem (to K8)
Dope Ass Kicks.
Reminds me of our Friendship.
End.

Assignment 13: Playing the Opposite

2009-04-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

To pay penance for my waaaaay convuluded assignment (no. 11), I'm going simple.

The assignment: Do something ugly someplace beautiful. Blogument it.
The deadline: Next Sunday. April 19. 11:59pm
The punishment: Take 3 pictures of yourself immediately after waking up AND giving yourself more than one chin. Post the one you hate the most.

ASSIGNMENT 12: change of space complete

2009-04-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

check it out. the above picture is a picture of my desk, with--no kidding, the box of 3 year old check stubs and bottle of windex that i apparently thought was integral to me getting work done. also, the computer on that desk is not even my computer. oh boy, oh yeah!

hey guess what i fixed my desk.
i decided to give the printer its own personal space and let my own computer sit where the computer is supposed to go. come may, i will most likely be sans job/job prospects BUT i will have a nifty workspace that i can continue to deduct as a "home office space" from my rent come tax time! e-mail and funny cat videos on you tue 24/7! OH BOY, OH YEAH!

that's right. i bought a white board. with teeny tiny adorable magnetic erasable markers.

kate stay tuned for the pic of the AWESOME gifts!

Assignment 12: My closet anew

2009-04-08T21:53:00.000-07:00

This past week I was supposed to redo a space that had been nagging at me to do just that. Sadly, all of my spaces had been having the "please do something with me soon, for the love of Jesus" conversation with me. Should I redo the desk that has old shades stuffed behind it and computer bags stuffed below? Should I redo my desk at work that has at least one ant vistor per day? Should I redo my closet, which I had already bought expensive, "space saving hangers" for? I ended up going with my closet for this assignment, because I stopped being able to find shoes.

Let me identify some problems with ye olde closete.
Probleme One: All of these clothes still need to go in the closet.Solution/ After: Use those expesive space saving hangers you bought from Bed Bath and Beyond three weeks ago, which even with the coupons you couldn't justify spending that kind of money other than "if my closet were a starving homeless man, I just fed him with caviar... but still I did a good deed... I took away hunger".
They DO look purdy
Finally! With the bed cleared my elephant can get back to eating my dog.

Probleme Twoe: My pants were the only things not on space saving hangers, because I was waiting for the hanger clips to come. See those long hanging pants just taking up tons of room? Gah.
Before:

Solution/After: Yay! The clips came just in time. Bed, Bath and Beyond you and your 20% coupons that never expire ARE the greatest!

Space saved? Debatable.

Probleme Threee: The top of my closet is an ass fest. (But Mastermind is fun)
Before:
Solution/ After: Get rid of those shopping bags with handles that you're saving in a giant silver Sketchers bag for absolutely no reason and put your giant-box-Christmas-tree on the bottom of the shelf. Everything can stack around that. Even rain boots! (Okay, Quiddler is really fun too. Check it out if you're into words).
(I'm sorry... but is the rod in my closet bowing in the middle?)

Probleme Foure: My shoes are a hot mess on the ground.
Before:
Solution/After: Get an old wine holder and use that for your flats.
TA DA! Closet, anew.

Addendum: I got my gift

2009-04-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

Laura- I am writing to thank you for your thoughtful generosity- I received my MAC eyeshadow pallet. It is EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED! How did you know?! I have found a perfect hiding spot for it in Dickys DVD player... he'll never know. LOL. You know, I could be kidding myself, but I think even Dicky likes it. ROTFLMAO.

Anyhoo. Seriously- thank you. I'm so sorry you missed my party. It would have been better with you there. It also would have been better if I actually had it.

K.I.T.,
Kate

ASSIGNMENT 12: change of space

2009-04-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

hi.

sorry. this is belated. i am self flagellating as we speak (though that has nothing to do with the guilt over the late assignment.)

here we gooooo!

you know how sometimes you are at home, and you are looking for something important like your check book or a clean pair of underwear, and an hour later you are still looking? yeah, well, rent's overdue AND you are gross.

or maybe you aren't a dirty sasquatch like i am, but the walls of your bedroom are all empty like the inside of a padded cell in an insane asylum.

either way: that is no way for you to live.
i mean it.

you have until sunday of next week to change one part of your space for the better, prettier, or just plain not worser. by space i mean at home or at work or kate maybe even in your case your boyfriends home? (have i just started a chain of passive aggressive events on the home front?) anyway, and why am i still explaining this--but choose one part of your space that has been nagging you in the rapidly diminishing martha stewart gland in your brain (it was supposed to kick in by now, right! right?) and do it up right! show us the pre and post photos so we can pretend we are "real simple" magazine.

punishment: you have to make a video of yourself singing the entire lionel richie song "hello" acapella while eating jello pudding cups. you choose the flavor.

p.s. kate i got that belt buckle as soon as i compile the outfit you will see my midsection in all its patriotic glory.

laura out!

11:2: Inviting you...

2009-03-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

What: A "I'm sick of living out of bags when I go to my boyfriend's place" party, celebrating my newfound determination to leave my things in hidden spots at his place and my dedication to lessening the work I must do for this relationship.

Who is Invited: Laura Grey, Sojourner Truth (she did so much for women!), all of my ex-boyfriends

Where: My boyfriend's apartment. This sabotage is for real.

Food served: Alcohol from the tiny plane bottles and chicken nuggets- both are easy to hide.

Entertainment: We are going to play a game called "Take One Leave One". The object is to take one thing from my boyfriend's place, and to leave one thing of your own there WITHOUT BEING CAUGHT. The game begins as soon as you enter the party. If you get caught you have to leave the party.

Prize: You get to pick from one of my many bags that I will no longer need. Please see above picture.

What you should bring: Something from my registry. I am registered at amazon.com.

assignment 11 part two: you are invited.

2009-03-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

it is raining, sleeting, and possibly snowing (i am trapped backstage at the theater right now so i have no idea what the real world looks like) in chicago tonight. this is how i feel about that: whatever. that is the preface to my party invitation.

laura's welcome to the americonomy party.
when: the next warm afternoon of chicago sunshine.
where: on the porch of my apartment
what: i will serve you apple pie, i will serve you corona (because
it is the only beer i really like to drink, but don't worry i will affix american flags and pictures of sexy eagles to all of the bottles--pictured below)

you are invited...if you walk by.

$2.00 per plate of pie and and a beer.
that's right...fun is no longer for free.

Assign Elev- Par Tw

2009-03-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

Nice work, gumshoes- you have made up an event and registered for it. I'll be honest, I didn't know which direction part two was going to go. At first I thought part 2 was going to be, "now you must get yourself one thing from your own registry". Then I thought, well that's stupid because I have the inside scoop on that so I'll only put things that I'd actually get myself. Okay fine- we'll get the other person to get one thing off of our registry. Then I had the suggestion from my co-worker Tal (she's the one that took me to get fish) to have a challenge to see who could get more people to give them things from their registry. This is by far the best of the ideas, but Laura and I were uncomfortable extracting compliments from people, I'm sure we won't be able to extract gifts. So here's what I've decided on:

YOU WILL NOW PLAN YOUR PARTY. Post the plans on the blog. This can mean anything from invites to decorations to what food you will serve to who will be invited. Bonus points if you actually throw the party (I can tell you right now I will not be earning these bonus points) and bonus BONUS points if you can get people to get you things off your registry.

Because I will not be able to attend your pretend party, Laura, nor you mine, we will each also get one thing for the other person off of their registry. (El if you are in any way uncomfortable with this, we can scrap it, but I thought it might be fun to get mail that we actually want). Then whenever we receive the gifts we will post a thank you to the blog.

Deadline: Party planning and ordering the person's gift must be done by Sunday, March 29 (midnight your time).

Punishment for not being in the partying spirit: I'm staying with Laura's licking of the bottom of a shoe you wore all day.

Apology: This, admittedly had too many elements to it. I will next time think of my assignment before I "fly by the seat of my pants". The seat of my pants are torn, clearly.

gift registery for laura's americonomy boosting party.

2009-03-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

thats right.

i want to spend my good old hard earned american money. on america (or at least for american-ish things. or things that feel american to me. i can't be bothered to check whether things were actually MADE in america. i mean, what do you want me to do, make measured methodical, researched decisions about what i buy? that's decidedly unpatriotic and i've already stopped listening to you. and by you, i mean the voice inside my head that tells me i am a wanton, hedonistic, consumer who should stop thinking about buying things and start reading mark twain if i want to feel connected to this country in any deeply spiritual way.)

then i found these when i was looking on amazon.com (where i am registering myself btw)
...
BIBLE BARS:
but they are sold out!!!

the bullet points describing the bible bar say
--all natural whole food bar.
--from the book of deuteronomy.
--the taste is fantastic.
what a shame they are out. you are what you eat, right?

okay here are things i really want to celebrate my new found trust/love in the americonony.

subscription to bust magazine: $19.95. because ladies like to look at pictures and then buy the things they see in the pictures. i'd rather hold up an aldos shoe ad than a mirror to see myself most clearly.

ALSO because i never want to stop being a teen-ager and i think that is a very american feeling.

these colors don't run belt buckle: $7.99
(there is only 2 left in stock, YO!)

real leather belt for interchangeable buckle:
$24.95

two books for book learnin':

call of the weird: travels in american subcultures (new) $1.85

new roadside america (used) $1.84

season 1 deadwood: sweary tv western $16.98 used (yes dvd owners i will take your sloppy seconds if it means i am supporting the americonomy.)

daisy rock: white daisies guitar strap $9.99 (am promising to learn a taylor hicks song to make this gift more "country".)

wilton bakers adorable yellow handled pastry blender: $6.99.
(i will use this to make the crust of some all american, lattice top apple pie.)

more books: neil gaimen's american gods (yes it's a fantasy novel and written by a brit, but it is set in america and therefore is american) paperback $10.19

Assignment 11 Part 1: Greedy McCallister

2009-03-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

The event I am going to be celebrating is "I'm sick of living out of a bag when I stay at my boyfriend's, seriously can't I just have a drawer you giant asshole?" day. It's a really fun day where I sabotage someone's space with my own things. But first, I need to GET my own things. TINY versions of my own things, or just a second version of my own things so that I can stop PACKING A BAG WHENEVER I LEAVE MY HOUSE YOU GIANT ASSHOLE.

I would like to register for Amazon.com for the following:

Philosophy Hope in a Jar 0.5 Oz $15

Bumble and Bumble Prep 8.0 oz $22

crocs Women's Alice Mary Jane Red, Size 9 $14.75

Conair 124A 1600-Watt Mini Turbo Folding Hair Dryer $11.36

Bumble and Bumble Thickening Spray 2.0 oz $12.00

Crown Belleza Makeup Brush Set 610 $24.00

Mac Pro 12 Pallet Shimmer Eyeshadows $10.50

Mens Hanes 3 Pair ComfortSoft Woven Boxer Asst - MWCST Size Medium $8.65 (what, don't I get to lounge too?)

HUE Women's V-Neck Sleep Tee Shirt Color RED HOT $6.60

THE END OF GIFT REGISTRY FOR KATE MULLIGAN

Assignment 11: Under 30, Under $30

2009-03-22T00:51:00.000-07:00

My friends are getting married. My friends are getting registered for gifts. Friends and siblings are having babies. Friends and siblings are getting registered for gifts. And although I have heard that there is a Sex in the City episode referring to this topic, I will hereby insist that I never watched the show (I really didn't, and if I did ever have HBO in my life I would watch only Real Sex).

Laura and I are under 30 and without any reason to register for free gifts. Or DO WE have a reason.

THE ASSIZZY: This assignment is coming in two parts.

Part 1: By midnight this Wednesday (3/25) you must register on this blog for things you want or need for a made-up occassion. Pick one online vendor, (in other words you can't register for things from that local fruit market you like so much- kiowano! (double parenthesis: too lazy to check last post to see what that puffer fish fruit is actually called)) and come up with 2 to 10 things you would like to have from that vendor. They should all be under $30. Also make up the event that you are registering for. If you want new DVDs, give a list of the DVDs at BestBuy.com you would like to have because it's "Fill Your Shelf Day". There is no rule about what type of things you register for, just pick one online vendor, make up an event you are celebrating, make sure all the items are under $30 and make a list of up to 10 of them.

Part 2 will follow once the lists are posted. There is no punishment for this one, El, because there is no reason that you cannot make a quick greedy list by Wednesday at midnight. Shiyyyyiiiit... mine has been composed in my head already... as of last Tuesday.

assignment ten: complete

2009-03-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

as you can see above i decided to go in the "weird fruit" direction for this assignment.
my before and after story will closely follow the scientific method.

hypothosis:
weird, tropical, beautiful, kooky looking fruit will taste delicious and transport me to another, more exotic place. sensory teleportation of the tropical pursuasion. it will also make me a better poet. i am a fool for not eating one already.

materials:
--1 kiwano: the orange, spiny, porcupiney specimin you see above. it is from new zealand.
--1 star fruit: the less scary looking orange fruit with browning edges. its fancy name is carambola and it grows on the branches of trees in places like indonesia and hawaii (USA!)

methodology:
step 1: go on the internet. find out a recipie or just a webpage that describes how to cut it without poisoning myself.
step 2: eat fruit.

observation 1a (via the internet): it turns out the kiwano is a fruit that is mainly grown for decorative purposes. huh? anyway the insides are full of neon green nikelodeon gak and seeds and it tastes vaguely like a cucumber. but it lasts for a really long time on that gourd shelf you have created for your bathroom, next to the potpourri canister adorned with teddy bears. you know you have a gourd shelf, dont lie.

observation 1b (via the internet): the star fruit, on the other hand, is supposed to be delicious, full of anti-oxidants, and a fancy garnish that will help you win friends and influence people when you serve cakes at dinner parties.

observation 1c (from real life): unfortunately the kiwano fruit, probably jealous of the star fruits superior ratings on the internet took the opportunity to puncture my star fruit in the grocery bag, speeding up the ripening process and bruising the shit out of it. the star fruit denied all wrongdoing and insisted that it simply "fell down the stairs."

observation 1d: don't mess with daddy kiwano.

observation 1e: despite domestic abuse, star fruit still decidedly cute.

step 2: i ate star fruit with some yogart for breakfast.

results:
screw you kiwano. you are all flash and no substance. (i will display you on my gourd shelf.)
re: star fruit. i will keep you in mind if i ever need glazed fruit as a fancy cake garnish, but otherwise, meh. maybe you were overripe.

conclusion:
laura like bananas.
also, pretty things on the outside are not always worthy of poetry.

the end.

Assignment 10 Completed: Fuck Fear Factor!

2009-03-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

I cleaned my plate (baked potato demolished later). But what did I clean it of....

This assignment was like fear factor for me. Eat something I've never eaten before? Shit. That's fish. Do I go for the thing that I am the most scared of? Yes... or else Laura will make me lick my shoe.

BACKSTORY/BEFORE: Remember that scene in Amelie? Not 15 women having concurrent orgasms, nay. The goldfish bouncing around on the floor?

That happened to me circa kindergarten. Stevie Tagmeier took his black goldfish out of its tank and made me hold it. But it didn't want to be held. It wanted to bounce on the floor. From that day forward (read: even 27 year old Kate) I was deathly afraid of fish. Especially the ones that look like fish. If they are neon with horns and we cannot eat them, I am less scared of them. Scared how? Like used to dream about opening a closet and fish came pouring out on me.

My fear was only compounded when in my tweens I was taken to a place in Colorado called The Trout Haven(http://www.trouthavenranch.com/), where you catch your own fish and then they grill them for you. Mine wouldn't die when I caught it, so the boy who was running the pond (and I say boy because he was between 8 and 14... you can't tell in Colorado) took a wooden cylinder out of his belt and beat the fish over the head until blood came out of its eye sockets and it died. Needless to say, my ever-present fear of fish translated into me never eating them. Gag reflex and chill bumps ensued if I even tried.

THE Story/ After: I will eat fish!

A coworker and I go to a place she swears has the best fish we can get. I order the white fish, she orders the sea bass. She is willing to switch if I like hers better (foreshadowing!).

I take a bite of the white fish.

The white fish still tastes a bit like fish. I picture the goldfish on the ground and blood out of eye sockets. Chill bumps.

I take a bite of seabass. I.... dare I say it... don't hate it.
We switch. Sucker! She has to eat the white fish.
I will eat her seabass.
Another co-worker gives me a bite of salmon.
Bitch! That was really pushing it!

I finish the seabass. [Please see first picture] All gone. I don't hate fish! Laura's assignment fixed me!

I find out later that seabass are endangered and I am an asshole for eating one.

ASSIGNMENT ten: (dis)comfort food

2009-03-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

even though it was hard to stomach, we filled our bellies with self esteem (see past assignment.)
now we are going to eat food. real. food.

your assignment is: to eat something you have never eaten before. give us a before and after story.

i don't care how you want to go about it, you could go to the grocery store and buy that weird fruit that has been eyeballing you like a teeny porcupine and figure out how to deshuck it or whatever you do to a teeny porcupine fruit thingy at the grocery store, you can order something at a fancy restaurant that you can barely pronounce and would normally steer clear of in order to ward off the public shame of saying it aloud, or you can get a recipe for baked alaska and, well, teach me what is in baked alaska, please!

deadline: sunday the 22 of march at midnight.
punishment: take a picture of yourself licking the bottom of your shoe. the shoe you wore that day. you can't clean off the shoe first. no.

Assignment Neuf: Kate's Scavenger Hunt Results

2009-03-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, a really quick confession. I hated this assignment. That being said, it was REALLY really nice of people to take the time to respond and I was overwhelmed by the responses. [Note for the future: when those people need favors, I am theirs.] I totally feel self re-steemed. Except for that my relationship may be over... my boyfriend did NOT respond! Really? Couldn't think of ONE thing I look nice in?!

RESULTS SCAVENGED FROM THE HUNT:

Best physical feature: Your legs down to the flo'!

I look good in: pink

I am unique because: Is this a real question? You are unique because you talked to everyone in the Willard Cafeteria, no matter who they were or whether or not you knew them. You are unique because you wore all pink outfits all the time just because you liked them. You are unique because of the way you say "ba-uh-by" (baby) and how you a tall, white, Irish lady who does a great Bill Cosby. You are unique because you are a comedian who really cares about family and lame stuff like that.

Time I made you laugh: there isn't a time you haven't made me laugh

You would trade me for my ________: tits - they ARE bigger than mine and we are not getting into this again [editors note: this is the only time I have been envied for my "tits"]

The first time you met me, you thought: this girl is gorgeous AND has integrity (sp). then i realized she was also funny and was like, WOW! i will like to talk to her TOOOOO!

I am at my best: When you are leading. You're a natural. All ages: adults, children, inbetweeners. People want to listen to you. People look up to you. People trust you. I trust you

My best talent is: Rap Dancing

My best trait is: your inability to waste time

In ten years you see me: Following a Parker Posey-esque movie career, married, one baby (it's a boy with red hair named Angus), thin. You are the mom that has kid birthday parties where the adults use the slip n' slide and bouncy as much as the kids do. You also maybe do some red carpet comedy stuff?

In twenty years you see me: Signing your very obnoxious memoir "I Bleed Pink" at the Barnes and Noble in The Grove. The first chapter is "The Spirit of Lucy is Alive and Well." It's a retrospective on your enormous success as a result of three hit sitcoms (each one a spinoff of the last) and a movie franchise based on a character orginally called "The Most Passive-Aggressive Mother on the Planet" during your one season on SNL. In twenty years, you see my waiting in line for you to sign my copy and as I get close enough to say hello, you have me escorted out of the store. It's because I'm not wearing pants.

My legacy will be: whatever you want it to be

What you like about me: I just love you.

If I were President I would be: PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is there a funny person I remind you of: yourself

My comedy is unique because: Babies and Grandmas are all the same..

In an audition I should know about myself: You are genuinely and effortlessly funny and only a small percentage of the world fits into that category. If you can trust in yourself completely, there's nothing stopping you.

On stage I should know about myself: you are a badass

When I am feeling down about myself, I should think: My grandfather loves you so much. I mean, that's not a great example but not only are you beautiful, funny and intelligent you also are remarkable with grandparents and babies.

When I want to quit "the biz", I should think: fuck the po-lice.

Write ins:
i admire kate because she is QUICK and disarming! which equals funny because she gets to the truth before you do!

I LOVE YOU KATE!

ASSIGNMENT NINE!

2009-03-15T18:16:00.000-07:00

This was very hard for me to do.
And harder for me to complete.
Because what if i post nice things about myself and i a.) don't live up to them or b.) don't live up to them or c.) die trying to live up to them. kidding. no, i'm not. yes i am. no, i'm not.

i have saved a document to my hard drive with all the nice words i have collected, but
i tried to post stuff that would be good advice in general.

Best Physical Feature: big pretty eyes.

I Look Good In: technicolor!

I am Unique Because: You are both dark and silly. You have precision and craziness at your disposal. You are All Things.

Time i made you laugh: Seriously challenging. Maybe the tiny drumset. Maybe your wide-eyed intensity in the IS IT HERE?!??!?! sketch? Maybe the forgotten microwave you played in that one BOM show? There are three. There are three thousand more.

You would trade me for my: eyes, conviction and boobs (EDITORS NOTE: This was written by my boyfriend who DOES exhibit frequent boob envy. plus i guess he has to like my boobs on account of being stuck with them. HAHAHAHA! I WIN!)

The first time you met me, you thought: Holy shit. She knows exactly what to do in any situation, and even when she doesn't, she will make it look like she does. I wish I had that quiet strength of character and that easy confidence. (EDITORS NOTE: i am faking it ALL. THE. TIME!) Also, she's fucking beautiful. I really did think that. And it doesn't count as friend-feelingy-stuff, because I didn't know you) (EDITORS NOTE: mind=blown by the previous statement.) I also thought you were a superb and meticulously precise performer.

I am at my best: When playing with something challenging that you care about...Plus, you have a tenacious, feisty side that comes out when you need it. You are small and cute and funny, but you are no pushover, and I love it!

My best talent is: acting

My best trait is: humility (EDITORS NOTE: then why am i posting compliments about myself! I'm not pretty!!! ahhh! face explosion!)

In ten years you see me: hopefully nearby. i'd miss you if you were too far. with a big heart, still laughing at mild pain experienced by babies (EDITORS NOTE: I will be laughing at funny cats as well.)

In twenty years you see me: leading up a team of brilliant comedy writers who wonder how you consistently deliver it. Also having at some point had a very successful foray into some aesthetic specialty, like fashion or home decor.

My legacy will be: a good friend

What you like about me: we can gab for hours and disagree and be stupid together and never fight and you are open, honest and lovely on the inside.

If i were president i would be: overwhelmed.

When i am feeling down about myself i should think: your success in this business is not a reflection on your ability, quality of work, talent, or especially personal goodness. also, at least you don't have Jenna Jameson for a mom. (sorry, Jenna)

In an audition I should know about myself: (SPOILER ALERT THIS IS GOOD FUCKING ADVICE FOR EVERYONE!!!)that your talents and abilities cannot be judged in their entirety in one audition...and that you are allowed to totally fuck up and then laugh at yourself for the rest of the day. that you are pretty. that you are fascinating. that no one else who comes in will be anything even remotely like you.

Is there a funny person i remind you of: I don't watch you and think, "oh, she's just like __________." Other people sometimes remind me OF you, though. Like that insurance lady in those commercials. :) (EDITORS NOTE: man i wish i was around to slather on the eyeliner for that progressive advertising campaign i would be ROLLING IN IT!!! FREE ROUND OF DRINKS FOR ANYONE WHO COMPLIMENTS ME!)

My comedy is unique because: it is created through sweat, fueled by joy, and delivered with a surprise.

Onstage i should know about myself: all eyes on you.

When I want to quit "the biz", I should think: We know this business does not give people what they deserve. You can do lots of things and may well find deeper and more long-term satisfaction in them. You are also really good at this and have devoted conscientious, non-self-promoting work to it. You could think, "maybe I'll take a break. I can always come back to it if I want." That's what you should think. Just relax and do what you want...Except walk the streets alone at night. STOP DOING THAT!!!! (EDITORS NOTE: Thank you, I WILL. but can someone book me on a national commercial so i can always take a cab?!)

Free-Skate Entry
I have always idolized Laura because she uses her body in fierce and bold ways in her always-smart comedy.

i have to go.
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE I solicited for compliments. the moral is: friends are awesome. and they will be awesome forever, even when you are being a needy whiny bitch. so take some time and tell your friends how pretty and smart and great they are NOW. tell them. do it. now.

and be happy. that is also what i learned.

kiss.
laura.

Assignment Neye-n: Self Esteem Scavenger Hunt

2009-03-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

A bedtime storty: Elle Grey and Keight Mulligan are sometimes defeated by themselves. At auditions Kayt tells herself why she will not get a part. Loreuh doubts her chosen path. But how do these two protagonists in our tale defeat their inner antagonists? Why they set off on a quest to self re-steem.

The Assignment: The below is a list of things you must collect on a scavenger hunt. You send(ie by email) or take (ie by walking with your legs) this list to people you know and they donate items. It will be awkward. We will hate this. But yes, basically we are collecting compliments. We will then post our list by Sunday, March 15th 11:59 pm (your own time zone).

Some rules: Collect only one donation per item on the list. Ideally you will collect every item, but secretly we both believe that is impossible. Leave the donors anonymous when you post the list. Try to collect no more than two items from any one person. Also leave 5 blank lines so people can write in their own if they feel like it.

The punishment: Freeze a bra overnight and wear it the next day. Photo-journal (the verb) this experience.

THE LIST OF ITEMS YOU MUST COLLECT

Best physical feature:

I look good in:

I am unique because:

Time I made you laugh:

You would trade me for my ________:

The first time you met me, you thought:

I am at my best:

My best talent is:

My best trait is:

In ten years you see me:

In twenty years you see me:

My legacy will be:

What you like about me:

If I were President I would be:

Is there a funny person I remind you of:

My comedy is unique because:

In an audition I should know about myself:

On stage I should know about myself:

When I am feeling down about myself, I should think:

When I want to quit "the biz", I should think:

(Include 5 blank here)

GO EL! GO K8!

assignment 8: that which delights me is complete.

2009-03-08T17:16:00.000-07:00

why be scared, elle?
shinko is adorable--
she barfs out new life!

Number 8: It delights me!!!

2009-03-08T11:32:00.000-07:00

Gloria Kate is brand new
My sister made her
I think she may be perfect

assigmnent 7: delight (the emotion not the band)

2009-03-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

this assignment is simple.
take a picture of something that delights you.
you have the space of i haiku (5/7/5 yay japanese!) to describe it.
go.

oh and the deadline is sunday at midnight, cause this is just a shorty. and the punishment is you have to take 30 seconds of video of you humping. something. anything.

p.s. kate happy birthday!

here is a picture of delight/delirium from the sandman.
she started off okay and then got crazy.
i'm not sure right now but i think i would rather be crazy of delight than crazy of disappointments. but maybe that is because i never really contemplated what it would be like to have live butterflies come out of my mouth when i speak. probably just as bad.

Assignment 7. Let's Do This Again.

2009-03-02T13:18:00.000-08:00

My sister and I went running last October when she came to visit me in the LA LA. She has a son. He is awesome. That's him.

He was in a running stroller while we were running. We crossed a street where the oncoming traffic had a stop sign. A big horrible old ugly fat woman was approaching the stop sign in her big horrible old ugly fat car. She didn't do anything wrong, in fact she wasn't really near us, but I think we must have startled her. So she started making big angry gestures from within her car about "Watch where you're going". Rolled down her windows and all. Despite nearby nephew asleep in stroller, I had to let this bitch know what's what.

So I started screaming, and I mean SCA-REAMING about "Don't you make a face at us because you appraoched a stop sign too quickly. We have the right of way. There is a CHILD with us. RIGHT OF WAY, BIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTCH" It escalated. Like a lot. Like to "You horrible bitch, keep driving". But unfortunately my anger rant did not change her mind. I think she just thought I was cray cray. So I'd like to take it back and re-do it.

I never yelled at her in front of my sister and baby nephew. Instead, I wrote her the following monologue and I imagine that she had to perform it in front of everyone she's ever wronged.

"My name is Bigfat Uglyson. I do not like myself, just as you do not like me. I have money. Somehow I have confused having money with having the right to do whatever I please whenever I please. It's a good thing I have money, though, because boy do I not have anything else. I certainly don't have confidence. Oh no, I can tell that you are starting to feel bad for me. Please do not. Because unlike other unhappy, miserable and self-hating people, I do not reach out kindly to others to change my ways and my situation. Nay. I push people away with my aggressive behavior and self-righteousness. I've found that the best way to cure my self-confidence issue is just to behave as if I have too much of the stuff. For example, I am never wrong. Oh, it's delightful to never be wrong, but I'll let you in on a little secret... I know I am wrong. I flail all the more wildly when I know that I am wrong. That girl and her sister and nephew who were out running- I know they didn't do anything wrong. I did... when I began to act like a miserable whore. Really I was just mad that they were out running because the only exercise I ever get is when once a month I break all the mirrors in my house. I also didn't like that they had a cute child with them. Children, even the ugly ones, will not go near me. But that's a perfect example... I knew I was wrong and I flailed about. That's right- I fight you all the harder when I'm wrong. But at night, when I think back on my empty day and I realize the only human contact I had was me being a bitch to people- I do feel like I was wrong. And I go to sleep crying every night. Not because the world is cruel to me, but because I'm too dumb to unclench my fists and make some friends. So feel embarassed about engaging me in your rage, but do not feel bad for me. I'm a self-made-and-proud-of-it-bitch. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to my very depressing life which is far inferior to yours."

assignment 7: complete!

2009-03-01T22:28:00.001-08:00

my assignment was to re-invent my anger.

so i decided to make a greeting card.

front.

GAH! INSIDE!

i had a couple of "dress up!"/"haha whore, you're going nowhere!"
kind of auditions this week and i wish i could have handed this out as fair warning to remind myself that the crazy lies inside, lurking, ready to turn that pansy flower into an eye gouger if i am not careful. my anger deserves its own greeting card. "tiny little angry lady me" might be "less diminutive and pretty honest, or at least getting over it with a sense of humor lady me" if i didn't spend so much time trying to ignore her reminders that my job sometimes makes me feel shitty about myself due to the obscure semi-logic of the commercial demigods that are running the place.

moral: open the card and be furiously reminded, so that when you open your mouth to congratulate someone else on their success happy words come out and not the angry ignored angry ones.

(jpk i loves you.)

fury out.

Assignment 7: Can I Get a Do-Over On That?

2009-02-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

Laura, you and I recently discovered that we both have some anger issues. "Some" meaning "a lot" , "anger" meaning "the wrath of Satan" and "issues" meaning "behaviors that are anything but adult-like". Whether you are driving crazy or I am throwing purses at loved ones, we need to figure out a different way to handle our ragie wagie. Rightsies Whitesies? [yes, subliminal... white is right]

The assignment: You get one do-over (a "Mulligan" if we were golfers). Think of the last time you got really furious about something, reacted to it all angry-like and then in hindsight felt really embarrassed about your reaction. Well guess what? Poof- your reaction never happened. You get an anger-pants-do-over! Re-do your anger in that moment in a different, more creative way. Post your new anger. Mind you, it doesn't have to be something you could actually have done in the moment. If you want to make a voo doo doll of the person you had an awkward fight with at work in front of people (PURELY hypothetical), that's fine, even though in that moment you couldn't have whipped up a voo doo doll. Be sure in your post to include some indication of the original incident as well as your original reaction.

Due Date: Well, I am late in posting this due an NY weekend trip, so let's say this is due Monday March 2 by 10:00pm your own time.

Punishment: Failure to complete this on time will end in you taking a picture of your most embarassing pair of (clean) underwear and posting it.

assignment 6: i learn myself how to do something complete?

2009-02-20T19:03:00.000-08:00

my assignment was to learn a new skill in a week.

also my body is host to a bitchin' cold.

now, how can one marry her diligence to rockyourface(tm.) with her desire to just sit on her couch drinking tea and watching season three of groundbreaking reality tv classic Nick and Jessica's the Newlyweds? answer: tasseography. and yes, that is the technical (by technical i mean scientifically legit just kidding i'm lying) name for it, tasseography, or the art of reading tea leaves.

"well i daresay, Malthea looks so much prettier now that she is psychic!"

let me tell you right now, that if you ever want me to read your tea leaves,
don't read this blog entry.

no, no, really, i tried to learn and i think i have enough jargon to fake it, but every website i found seemed to have a blatant contradiction to the methodology of the one before it--but i seem to be getting ahead of myself.

let's see if i can take you through the steps from memory.

step 1: procure some loose tea (there is this awesome british lady who claims that you can bust up a lipton tea bag and make the magic happen but we all know that is laughing in the face of the TRUE OCCULT. and because i am hardcore also note the use of loose leaf SANTA TEA!)

step 2: brew the mothafucking tea!

yeah!...

....mothafucka!

step 3: choose the right cup and saucer.

the cup should be wide rimmed if possible, with no internal designs or markings, and fit daintily on the saucer.

listen: not a lot of my dishes were clean. AND just in case you want to judge, it is an ancient turkish divination technique to read the sludge-like grounds left over after turkish coffee so i like to think that i am the universalist of reading drinky thingies to fortell which futurey things will happen-ish.

also that cup is so big in volume i think i am currently coming down from a severe overdose of caffeine. GAAAAAAAAAAAH! hi.

step 4: and this is really cool, you are supposed to just chill out and enjoy your tea. that's it. clear your head, and let it wander to whatever question you want answered, but mostly, enjoy your tea and CHILL! (at this point i am sweating because i am sure that the tea leaves are going to tell me my career is going to meet an untimely death tomorrow. or maybe that was just the caffeine kicking in.)

this is what i did, on loop for 20 minutes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zol2MJf6XNE also thinking about my life and blah blah blah.

step 5: once you have finished all but the dregs, swirl the remaining leaves around 3 times counter clockwise (or as much as you want it's kinda fun.) tip the cup on the saucer to get rid of excess liquid and VOILA! my future.

step 6: this is where it gets tricky.
--you read the symbols clockwise starting at the handle.
--the handle represents either what is closest to you (family, friends, current situation)
or what is closest to you in time.
--stuff at the top of the rim is most likely to happen and the closer to the bottom the more...un-predicty they become.

basically you are supposed to look for pictures in the leaves and let your intuition guide you to what it means based on their time line on the cup. our brains are REALLY good at this. the phenomenon of the human brain being predisposed to see things like faces and alien faces and jesus faces on peices of toast is called pareidolia and you can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareidolia
i still don't know how to say that word.

DO YOU SEE THE BABYDUCK DIPPING HIS BEAK INTO THE LADEL OF MERCY AT THE BOTTOM OF MY TEACUP? i do.

step 7: learn a moral about thinking for yourself.

there are dictionaries that tell you what the symbols mean.
i really wanted to read a definition that descended on my consciousness like a comfy prognosticating cloud carrying me into the atmosphere of my sky blue future (except for the cloud the future would be all clear.)
here are two definitions i got from the same symbol dictionary...

parasol: a new lover
umbrella: annoyances

so in tasseography you should really just let your brain just make shit up and go with it, which, in all honesty is a pretty good lesson. if you're a loser and into learning lessons!

but seriously now i can see babyducks in your tea dregs and i am certain you will love me for it.

this was too long.
i'm out. santa-tea-caffeine-crash!

Assignment 6- Learn Yourself to Do Something

2009-02-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

Dicky plays guitar and harmonica (and sometimes even both at the same time with the help of one of those over-the-head-Bob-Dylan-esque-harmonica-holders). I decided to learn guitar. I decided almost immediately during my first guitar lesson that I am not a good candidate to learn guitar because "it hurts my fingers" and "I can't push the strings that hard" and "Couldn't I just put it face up on my lap and play it like that?". I decided to learn harmonica instead. Cop. Out. I was good, actually. Then again, apparently Dicky's 6-year old niece was good too.

A few things about this entry...
1. I may never post another video until I get a legit video recorder. Using my camera is detrimental to anyone who has functional ears
2. Keeping number 1 in mind, please note that I do not have a lisp on my S's as the video would imply.
3. Still keeping number 1 in mind, please know that the harmonica actually sounded GOOD and in tune in the REAL WORLD and that's the world that counts. Not blog/camera video world. Right? RIGHT!?!
4. Keeping number 3 in mind... holy shit does this video sound bad.

Assignment 6: Relearn How to Learning-ness...ment

2009-02-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

hi.

according to the smart man's bible, wikipedia, a skill (also called a talent) is the learned capacity to carry out pre-determined results often with the minimum outlay of time, energy, or both. whatever. you have a week to learn how to do something, anything that you have never done before. at the end of the week, by midnight next sunday february 22 2009, you have to show us what you can do.

next stop, world domination?

here is a picture of a baby dog.

this baby dog don't know how to do nothing.

punishment: if you fail to complete the assignment on time, you have to film yourself eating a potato chip as slowly as possible.