Long time no blog. I checked in on this thing on a whim and saw that we had a bunch of spam comments on our posts from a foreign land. Because i can't read the banalities of what they wrote, i have decided to be flattered. Anyway I'm posting something just because I've always been a sucker for closure. And having the last word...twice!
I am no longer in Chicago because I took a chance on taking a chance and moved to NYC. So now Kate and I are even farther apart. Kate is somewhere. Kate where are you? We'll find each other somewhere soon. Somewhere magical, but probably on the internet because plane tickets are really expensive these days. Maybe this blog will evolve into something new.
Actually, that's a pretty good assignment. Decide what's next.
And if any of you are really bored may i humbly direct you to my new tumblr about the trials and tribulations of a lincoln park trixie during the apocalypse. www.girlpocalypse.tumblr.com You can take the girl out of Chicago...
Plugging away into the void, Laura. August. 2010. The end.
Rule Number One of Cartography School: Always spell check your maps before you publish them, idiot. The real name on my Map was meant to be "Quandaryville" which is the state in which i currently reside, famous for its unending perplexities and wide array of sugary snacks. Currently on rotation: Doughnuts, Banana Bread or Swedish Fish? But then again, when I really think about it, I'd prefer it to be pronouced "kwan-dree-ville" because, well, I just like how that sounds better, I mean, I think it sounds better than "kwan-duh-ree-ville," yeah, because the "duh" makes it sound like there is an OBVIOUS answer hidden in there somewhere, which--and I have looked for it--there is NOT! So maybe my lack of proofreading skills resulted in a fruitful omission after all. Should i retake the photos or leave them, then? Another Quandary. Thanks, Quandryville.
(I'm not sad. I'm just on the phone. Wondering.) Where am I? Tomorrow i am going home, to visit my Mom. How is She?
Then I'll return to my apartment in Chicago. Then, maybe, I'll come find you?
that's right, for this assignment i invoked a fourth grade vocabulary word!
i have been thinking a lot lately about "WHERE I AM AT" that elusive, half literal, half metaphorical statement which bears down on you like a mindfuck.
also i have been spending 30 minutes every day at the park district on an elliptical machine amongst mothers who have recently delivered their babies, and old couples in winter boots and khaki pants arguing over the stationary bikes, wondering "why am i here?"
because maybe you don't have any reason to be here at all. you adorable little nobody, you. or maybe there is a less depressing answer but i just don't know what it is yet.
enter the assignment. brush up on your cartography skills and make a map. show each other where you are at.
that's all.
deadline: next sunday by midnight. punishment: pick a random place on a map, drive there, purchase a souvenir and send it to the other person.
We all need shelter. Always literally, sometimes metaphorically. Right now, I'll take both. This is my fort.
Purpose of the fort: To HIDE. from EVERYTHING.
Materials: 1 down filled snow man and happy reindeer blanket 1 plastic cylinder that I won at a white elephant filled with a yard of licorice (used as reinforcement) 1 Adidas sweatband 1 Von Maur Box top (converted into a flag)
Notice I got an award on the flag for perfect attendance.
In the fort I may or may not be doing part time data entry, and I may or may not love it.
And I may or may not be sad, and I may or may not have hope despite it all, and I may or may not be listening to this song from the new spoon album, which snuck up on me quietly, like good things seem to do these days.
The point is you don't know what I am doing, do you, because I am hiding. But when I come out from underneath there, I may be the Big Bad Wolf come to check out the scene.
Okay I'm just off to a bad blog start. In a few short hours I am supposed to be on a plane to Philadelphia for a 36 hour stay. I am not packed, this assignment is late and I have no creativity right now- I'm just trying to figure out how to get to Cherry Hill New Jersey once I land in Philly.
That all being said, I have a teacher-like obligation to give an assignment. WE MUST BLOG!
Assignment: Build a fort. Use it for some purpose (the fort where you eat snacks?). Blog about it.
Punishment: Well the first punishment is you don't get to build a fort and forts are fun so you are not having fun. Boom. The second punishment: Don't wash your hands all day. Video tape yourself licking them at the end of said day.
.... I can't believe it. I just completely forgot to DO the assignment. Here I am, incurring my first blog punishment... for the easiest assignment ever. 2010, how I am failing in thee!!!
Without further ado... 5 things I unabashedly love about Garfield the Cat.
1. Sardonic voice.
2. When I was little, I learned from him that if you wanted to pretend to brush your teeth, you just move the brush along the edge of the bathroom counter to make the noise. Rene and I tried it... parents FOOLED.
3. Looks so cozy in that box he sleeps in with his blanket.
4. Adorable rump.
5. Suction-cup-hands-car-paraphenalia (Sp?) makes for a classy and hilarious car.
the assignment was to pick 5 five things i liked about being away for the new year (i went to austin to work on a show and visit my friends.)
and 5 things i liked about being home.
these are in no particular order. because i love lists...but i hate ranking things.
AWAY: 5.) Rio Rita: I don't usually get excited about things that come in glasses, but the bloody mary i had at this tiny hipster bar was one of the most delicious things i have ever tasted.
i am posting the yelp link to a picture of the upcycled 7-up sign they use to advertise the place because i am a sucker for putting new paint over old paint.
COMING HOME 5.) Cooking stew in my crock-pot (i really do love that thing!)
AWAY 4.) No snow.
COMING HOME 4.) Snow. But only when i don't have to drive somewhere.
AWAY 3.) Working. Every. Day. And going to sleep tired from working.
COMING HOME 3.) Working. But getting to eat candy or hump a chair or watch the soup on-demand whenever i feel distracted.
AWAY 2.) Meeting new people like an adorable set designer and her british fiance who recreated a magic show from when he was seven years old at the new years party i was invited to. Remembering how interesting people are and that i am not a total social pariah.
COMING HOME 2.) My good old friend, bed. And her sister, firm-matress. Oh yeah, and Jordan, you too.
AWAY 1.) for some reason i was very clean in the kitchen.
COMING HOME 1.) My dying christmas tree and the kitchen island full of lip gloss, dirty water glasses, and unread time magazines makes me laugh. FOR NOW.
so kate you are in chicago right now. and i am in austin. soon we will be returning to our actual places of residence.
this assignment is easy. top five things that you liked about being away. top five things that you like about coming home.
deadline: sunday next week. (don't have my planner so i don't know what the exact date is.) punishment: top 5 list of what you like about garfield the cat. (and none of the things can involve lasagna.)
I just saw that you had posted yours Laura... didn't watch it yet, for fear that the quality of yours will make me embarrassed about mine and then when I should be packing, I'll instead re-do mine. F that.... this is a genuine PHONE-IN and I stand by it.
Also, I really love calling someone a gaping asshole.
Kate you are going to seriously show me up with this assignment... but the good news is i got this in on time before i drove home for the holidays!
fyi: 1.) i have no idea how to add sound on a separate track from a video. 2.) i edited this video in the car on the ride home. we live in the future, y'all! 3.) this is what i look like when i first get up in the morning...my apologies for the rest of your life having seen it. and yes we eat yesterdays leftovers for breakfast.
here he is. bill from true blood. believable, and hot. fangy smooch!
And Jesus has very little to do with this assignment.
It sounds like Laura and I have similar problems: we are both obsessed with HBO shows. Laura loves that True Blood, I am FINALLY getting around to The Wire, which has officially ruined my life. I am going to leave the company holiday party early tonight because I know that there is a Wire Netflix DVD waiting for me at home.
The Assignment: Transcribe a monologue from the show. Perform it. Any character- your own take.
Due: A week from today, Wednesday the 23rd.... midnight.
Punishment: Call the OTHER person's parent and have a conversation with them.
because i was really excited about capturing something about the winter in the windy city--something great about all this blustery, blistery, blizzardy goodness. to recap: in the past week it snowed twice. and i think with the windchill it dropped to seven below. but i dropped the ball.
because of alan ball. the soundtrack to this video is the music on the title sequence to disc 3 season 1 of true blood. the real reason why i neglected to finish this. vampire porn.
p.s. sorry how close i got to the camera. i was going to do this other reveal of the tv screen and make a joke about true blood and hahaha but when i realized that video does not show up on video i ditched it and hahaha congrats to you for getting to look at my face.
p.p.s my eyes are bloodshot because i am up all night thinking about recipies to put in the slow cooker and vampire porn.
p.p.p.s. it really is that cold in my apartment. the other day, i slept in my long underwear, jeans, and BOM t-shirt so i would not be cold when i got up to go to the New Feild School Show at 6:45 am.
p.p.p.p.s. why have you not convinced me to move to LA yet?
Document winter? HA! Winter is for fools!!!!!!!!! I live in LA... we don't HAVE winter. We have something called "Wardrobe Change".
"Wardrobe Change" is noted by the mild cooling of weather, allowing you to wear the half of your wardrobe you don't get to wear the other 3/4 of the year. "Wardrobe Change" can also be seen when it rains in Los Angeles, which helps to justify that I have TWO pairs of rain boots for three days of rain.
This past week was a prime example of "Wardrobe Change". Three noticeable instances: [Modeled by Ellie the elephant. Setting provided by Little Christmas Tree In My Living Room. Yes, even living rooms are affected by "Wardrobe Change".]
Firstly, my pajamas have been affected. Usually I wear shorts and a tank top to bed. Post Wardrobe Change? Comfy long sleeve shirt, velour stretchy pants and calf- high slippers. All necessary, mind you. Apparently my heat doesn't work because I was supposed to have the gas company light the pilot light. GAH!
Secondly, my running attire has changed. Usually in shorts and a tank, (MAYBE even just a sports bra if it's balls hot) and a lightweight, breathable blue running hat. Post "Wardrobe Change"? I get to FINALLY wear my stretch pants, long sleeve dri-fit shirt and a heavier non-breathing hat. Those warm weather running clothes are thankful for the break... they smell from over-use.
Lastly, my work clothes find themselves replaced. Typical outfit before "Wardrobe Change"? Short sleeve shirt, flats and just-above-the-knee skirt. POST "WC"? Sweater dress, wool argyle tights and YES- PINK RAIN BOOTS!!! I don't care that I look bulky... it's "Wardrobe Change", baby!!!
Sanity regained. Thanks, "Wardrobe Change"- I was just about to hang myself from one of my over-worn tank tops. So glad you swooped in and changed it up!
NOTE: Wardrobe Change is only promised until about March. At that point I must begin to wear all of my over-worns again. That is what is known as "Period of Time When I Cannot Tell Time Has Passed Because Every Day Feels the Same". I much prefer "Wardrobe Change".
This assignment is being written as i watch the first snowfall of the season from my bedroom window. I know, it is 12:30 in the afternoon, but the bedroom is where the space heater is and i promise you and my mother that i have already gotten up, gotten dressed, and started doing work on my laptop.
CATALOGUE. WINTER. IN. YOUR. TOWN.
However you want. Just give us a taste of your winter. the season of endings and finality. the season of togetherness and good cheer. The season of that creepy looking lady in victorian mourning.
due: um...how about sunday of next week. midnights!
punish: (we should start having punishments for getting the assignment posts up late,) but here goes...you have to call someone you really don't want to call. and have a conversation with them.
I work in Beverly Hills. It's a helluva town... in like a bad way.... if you have any respect for fellow mankind. Sometimes after work I will go for a run. It is dark then. THIS week, per this here blog, I ran in Beverly Hills in the daytime for the first time in the four years I've been here. I noticed a lot of things that were different in the day versus night. For example... there is a stained glass house (they should really light that up at night, no?). And there are children at the school I run by and they AREN'T all white as I had assumed. Imagine that. The one thing that doesn't change, day or night, is that the cars have no respect for pedestrians. Running in Beverly Hills is as dangerous as it comes because it is full of bad drivers. Actually, worse than bad drivers...ENTITLED drivers. I will have at least three "that fucker tried to hit me" scares per run. However, in the daylight there is one distinct difference. I present that difference to you in the style of a Japanese workout video. Try it! Please excuse the fact that I have NO business putting my lumpy ass in leotard and tights. The music is indeed one of the songs I listened to on my run. Enjoy.
I have to be a super-geek and turn this assignment in early. I could try and make myself sound cool and all “Jet Set Laura” by saying: “Not sure where I’m gonna be this weekend and I don’t wanna turn it in late…” but that’s a lie.I got inspired to write you. So I am.Doing it.Now.
Ok.
Time: 7:45pm Central
Location: the 24 hour Kinko’s/FedEx on Southport Avenue.
Task: To Laminate my PERSONAL CRAFT PROJECT.
These are cut outs I am going to paste to a foam board “thermometer”*
*“Thermometer” is in quotes because; as Jordan lovingly pointed out to me today it also looks like a giant “dick.”Thanks Jordan. Did I mention that this particular “thermometer” is only a proto-type?
I hereby declare this a “NO JUDGERS ZONE!”**
**it looks like a dick with small pox. too late!
Also can I mention that for those who enjoy diddling with machinery that works by applying pressure and heat, the self-serve laminating machine is an ABSOLUTE JOY…totheworld.
Man I am digressy.
So here’s the moral.
Moral: walking into Kinko’s at a weird, off-hour, other people partying, kind of time reminded me of a year I have not thought about very much.Which is weird because it was not that many years ago.
Let’s call it 2006, because that’s when it was.In 2006 I had two-almost-full-time jobs.Two of the most AMAZINGLY AWESOME JOBS ON THE PLANET.But, I might have been a little stressed out as I was worrying all the time and making compulsive lists with boxes next to phrases like “get organized!” “Stop sucking!” and “no, really stop sucking so much!” Oh, and this is cute: I also found myself weeping uncontrollably on my way to the theatre, checking myself into the hospital after I threw up all night to get an IV to rehydrate me so I could show up to perform later that evening (I missed some others due to Strep Throat and was in deep shit), for the first time, I froze onstage in a rehearsal (oh, the Indignity!Chastised and inwardly Unforgiven!) Finally, I caved and spent some of my hard earned money on therapy just because I needed someone to look me in the eye once a week and tell me I was not a bad person or CRAZY.
The good news is I also spent some Friday, and a lot more Saturday nights in 24 hr.Kinko’s/FedEx, usually when everyone else was drunk off their asses or sleeping.And Kate, if you are worried this missive is going to turn into a laundry list of complaints allow me to add that I was in Kinko’s on a Saturday night LEGITIMATELY ENOYING MYSELF.
Chronicle of a Past Routine:
1.) Finish Such and Such Comedy Show plus Mandatory But Free Improv set at 1:45am.
2.) Walk 4 city blocks in the bluster to car parked at the free spots next to the abandoned park district. Hate myself for not making better jokes.Realize improvisational comedy is about creating characters that react idiosyncratically in certain situations and not about making jokes.Realize funny people do not think about or describe comedy by using words like idiosyncrasy. Hate myself even more.
3.) As cast members hang out and drink, drive to 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx. Remember that a.) you are a nerd b.) that no one likes you and c.) that you work for the most amazing, creative, and impassioned not-for-profit you will ever work for.Allow your brain to detect a slight smile on your face.
4.) Photo-copy things.Feel like you have accomplished something successfully for the first time today.Something that, though you just killed a bunch of “baby trees,”** was helpful.Stack the papers neatly on the passenger seat of your car.Feel less alone. Sigh.
5.) Go to bed.It’s 3:30.
So here is the second moral.
Moral Number Two: I like my life right now.I really do.I wish I were helping more.Helping the world by doing good work.Helping myself by making more money.Helping my parents by appearing to elevate their genes with tokens of outward success.But at least I feel like I am driving the car, or steering the luge or whatever. And next time I have two full time jobs, I will immediately find a therapist, make note of the closest 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, and I will motherfucking HANDLE IT LIKE A PRO.
And for that nugget of self-satisfaction here are my (incomplete) Special Thanks:
Thanks to Kate for actually liking me now and actually liking me in high school. And for being one of the hardest working people i know...she works all the time you guys, i can never get her on the phone!
Thanks to Jordan for catching my tears in a little vial.
Thanks to Levy for pantomiming catching her own tears in a little vial so I could steal that image for this blog.
Thanks to Heat for being FUNNY.
Thanks to Rebecca for making a brave move.
Thanks to Mookie, Ambrosia, and other faceless conspirators for letting me go (I plot against you daily, and when the despair hits me the hardest it is the only thing that keeps me going. And I am GOING.)
Thanks to Lacy for inspiring me to do my own personal laminated crafts projects again and (maybe) reading this.
I think editing that video for ALL of Sunday on iMovie (yes, El, iMovie... I'm taking one to one classes with Apple so they can teach me to be less retarded with my Mac) made me forget that I owe this blog a little something called the NEXT ASSIGNMENT.
Here I go:
YOU MUST: Go someplace familiar to you, but go when you usually are not there. Church on a Wednesday, perhaps? Docu-blog it in any way you choose.
NOTE: This assignment is coming to me from the morbid reality that 6 more of my friends lost their jobs at my company and I'm wondering what it would be like to be home on a week day... I may find out soon.
DUE DATE: NEXT Sunday, the 29th by midnight (I'm accounting for us probably not wanting to blog on Thanksgiving, otherwise I'd make this a straight week).
PUNISHMENT: You must video tape yourself eating a whole can of cranberry sauce in under 5 minutes. And then you must video tape yourself shitting yourself. Ain't no one s'posed to have that much cranberry.
laura and kate both grew up in downer's grove, illinois, where they went to high school together.
now, laura lives in chicago. now, kate lives in la. sometimes they are happy. sometimes they are sad. laura and kate miss each other.
but now, they have a mission.
they give each other weekly assignments to make sense of their senseless lives, and maybe to gain some sense in the sharing. is that LAME? LAME ENOUGH TO ROCK YOUR FACE!
Laura is the Pascal to Kate's Antoinette. Kate is the French Horn to Laura's Trumpet. Laura is the DDA to Kate's OC. Yes, Kate and Laura, Laura and Kate, went to high school together. (And then college where Laura was Willard to Kate's Willard).
