Sunday, November 29, 2009

Assignment 31: I be done finally

I work in Beverly Hills. It's a helluva town... in like a bad way.... if you have any respect for fellow mankind. Sometimes after work I will go for a run. It is dark then. THIS week, per this here blog, I ran in Beverly Hills in the daytime for the first time in the four years I've been here. I noticed a lot of things that were different in the day versus night. For example... there is a stained glass house (they should really light that up at night, no?). And there are children at the school I run by and they AREN'T all white as I had assumed. Imagine that. The one thing that doesn't change, day or night, is that the cars have no respect for pedestrians. Running in Beverly Hills is as dangerous as it comes because it is full of bad drivers. Actually, worse than bad drivers...ENTITLED drivers. I will have at least three "that fucker tried to hit me" scares per run. However, in the daylight there is one distinct difference. I present that difference to you in the style of a Japanese workout video. Try it! Please excuse the fact that I have NO business putting my lumpy ass in leotard and tights. The music is indeed one of the songs I listened to on my run. Enjoy.

Friday, November 20, 2009

assignment 31. DONE.

Dearest Kate,

I have to be a super-geek and turn this assignment in early. I could try and make myself sound cool and all “Jet Set Laura” by saying: “Not sure where I’m gonna be this weekend and I don’t wanna turn it in late…” but that’s a lie. I got inspired to write you. So I am. Doing it. Now.


Time: 7:45pm Central

Location: the 24 hour Kinko’s/FedEx on Southport Avenue.


These are cut outs I am going to paste to a foam board “thermometer”*

*“Thermometer” is in quotes because; as Jordan lovingly pointed out to me today it also looks like a giant “dick.” Thanks Jordan. Did I mention that this particular “thermometer” is only a proto-type?

I hereby declare this a “NO JUDGERS ZONE!”**

**it looks like a dick with small pox. too late!

Also can I mention that for those who enjoy diddling with machinery that works by applying pressure and heat, the self-serve laminating machine is an ABSOLUTE JOY…totheworld.

Man I am digressy.

So here’s the moral.

Moral: walking into Kinko’s at a weird, off-hour, other people partying, kind of time reminded me of a year I have not thought about very much. Which is weird because it was not that many years ago.

Let’s call it 2006, because that’s when it was. In 2006 I had two-almost-full-time jobs. Two of the most AMAZINGLY AWESOME JOBS ON THE PLANET. But, I might have been a little stressed out as I was worrying all the time and making compulsive lists with boxes next to phrases like “get organized!” “Stop sucking!” and “no, really stop sucking so much!” Oh, and this is cute: I also found myself weeping uncontrollably on my way to the theatre, checking myself into the hospital after I threw up all night to get an IV to rehydrate me so I could show up to perform later that evening (I missed some others due to Strep Throat and was in deep shit), for the first time, I froze onstage in a rehearsal (oh, the Indignity! Chastised and inwardly Unforgiven!) Finally, I caved and spent some of my hard earned money on therapy just because I needed someone to look me in the eye once a week and tell me I was not a bad person or CRAZY.

The good news is I also spent some Friday, and a lot more Saturday nights in 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, usually when everyone else was drunk off their asses or sleeping. And Kate, if you are worried this missive is going to turn into a laundry list of complaints allow me to add that I was in Kinko’s on a Saturday night LEGITIMATELY ENOYING MYSELF.

Chronicle of a Past Routine:

1.) Finish Such and Such Comedy Show plus Mandatory But Free Improv set at 1:45am.

2.) Walk 4 city blocks in the bluster to car parked at the free spots next to the abandoned park district. Hate myself for not making better jokes. Realize improvisational comedy is about creating characters that react idiosyncratically in certain situations and not about making jokes. Realize funny people do not think about or describe comedy by using words like idiosyncrasy. Hate myself even more.

3.) As cast members hang out and drink, drive to 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx. Remember that a.) you are a nerd b.) that no one likes you and c.) that you work for the most amazing, creative, and impassioned not-for-profit you will ever work for. Allow your brain to detect a slight smile on your face.

4.) Photo-copy things. Feel like you have accomplished something successfully for the first time today. Something that, though you just killed a bunch of “baby trees,”** was helpful. Stack the papers neatly on the passenger seat of your car. Feel less alone. Sigh.

5.) Go to bed. It’s 3:30.

So here is the second moral.

Moral Number Two: I like my life right now. I really do. I wish I were helping more. Helping the world by doing good work. Helping myself by making more money. Helping my parents by appearing to elevate their genes with tokens of outward success. But at least I feel like I am driving the car, or steering the luge or whatever. And next time I have two full time jobs, I will immediately find a therapist, make note of the closest 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, and I will motherfucking HANDLE IT LIKE A PRO.

And for that nugget of self-satisfaction here are my (incomplete) Special Thanks:

Thanks to Kate for actually liking me now and actually liking me in high school. And for being one of the hardest working people i know...she works all the time you guys, i can never get her on the phone!

Thanks to Jordan for catching my tears in a little vial.

Thanks to Levy for pantomiming catching her own tears in a little vial so I could steal that image for this blog.

Thanks to Heat for being FUNNY.

Thanks to Rebecca for making a brave move.

Thanks to Mookie, Ambrosia, and other faceless conspirators for letting me go (I plot against you daily, and when the despair hits me the hardest it is the only thing that keeps me going. And I am GOING.)

Thanks to Lacy for inspiring me to do my own personal laminated crafts projects again and (maybe) reading this.

**”baby dicks.”

Thursday, November 19, 2009

FUCK! Late Assignment Assigning: 31

I think editing that video for ALL of Sunday on iMovie (yes, El, iMovie... I'm taking one to one classes with Apple so they can teach me to be less retarded with my Mac) made me forget that I owe this blog a little something called the NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

Here I go:

YOU MUST: Go someplace familiar to you, but go when you usually are not there. Church on a Wednesday, perhaps? Docu-blog it in any way you choose.

NOTE: This assignment is coming to me from the morbid reality that 6 more of my friends lost their jobs at my company and I'm wondering what it would be like to be home on a week day... I may find out soon.

DUE DATE: NEXT Sunday, the 29th by midnight (I'm accounting for us probably not wanting to blog on Thanksgiving, otherwise I'd make this a straight week).

PUNISHMENT: You must video tape yourself eating a whole can of cranberry sauce in under 5 minutes. And then you must video tape yourself shitting yourself. Ain't no one s'posed to have that much cranberry.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


where is my next assignment.

oh so lost without it,

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Ahhhhh- GEEK OUT


Friday, November 13, 2009

assignment 30 complete.

i got to geek out in the best way ever (drool, slobber, study, slobber!)

in two weeks my friend arnie will update his podcast, stupid nerd, which will feature an interiew with me....about neon genesis evangelion. that's right. i spent my thursday night talking about the finer points of my favorite anime. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

here is the link?
thank you arnie! i am still blushing!

p.s. the podcast will probably be way too long...because i refused to shut up. just rent the series. it will be worth it, more that experiencing the 2012 apocalypse with john cusack.

also i had a job where i got to look like an elf. and. i. legitmately. enjoyed. wearing. the. elf. ears.

is this my good side... ....or my 7th level druid night elf side?

i miss you world of warcraft.
and i just might rejoin you now that i have made more than $100.00.


Friday, November 6, 2009

aSSignment 30: geek out.

According to the urban dictionary, which, apparently, is an online dictionary of slang phrases that you or i could post a definition to and then have people vote on how good or bad our definition is...

To GEEK OUT "means":

1. To participate in or talk excessively about a current interest or obsession which is not part of mainstream culture.

2. To enthusiastically share details about a current interest which is of little or no importance to your audience.

Ex.: She told me not to geek out about capoeira unless I had something new to say...

 i talked about rei ayanami instead!

Your assignment is to geek out about something and to post an assignment about it.
You can chronicle how you geeked out, or geek out to us, i don't care...just take a moment and let us in to your geekdom.

You have until next Sunday. Midnight.

Punish: You have to talk about the finer points of Gilligan's Island to the cutest person you see at the coffee-shop where you get your morning coffee.

P.S. just so we are all clear, as i write this it is friday night and am at home alone taking a break from trying to make that harmonic sound come out of my electric guitar. GEEEk!

Oh, and dear reader, expect more of this....

pant, pant!!!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm Scary!

It's true.

Also, I'm not gonna lie, I might have used this assignment to eat a bite sized snickers.
And that's right, i use the phrase "pubescent girl body," to describe what i really think is at the crux of the novel and to a lesser extent the film "The Exorcist."

You can't read the scrolling credits very well but the barbies are on loan from a toy theatre adaptation of the 11th century epic poem, Beowulf. Ask me about it!

Also, i tried to make a way better into for this, like with Svengoolie* type panache. But like my scoliosis riddled spine, it didn't turn out so well. Here are the out-takes.

Thank you everyone, for watching that and not dumping me.

*fyi, this is svengoolie, an idol of mine.

And when is someone gonna get me a decent haircut?

Assignment 29: Paranormal Puking