Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Assignment 33... phoning it in

I just saw that you had posted yours Laura... didn't watch it yet, for fear that the quality of yours will make me embarrassed about mine and then when I should be packing, I'll instead re-do mine. F that.... this is a genuine PHONE-IN and I stand by it.

Also, I really love calling someone a gaping asshole.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

assignment 33. Vampire for Hire.

Kate you are going to seriously show me up with this assignment...
but the good news is i got this in on time before i drove home for the holidays!

1.) i have no idea how to add sound on a separate track from a video.
2.) i edited this video in the car on the ride home. we live in the future, y'all!
3.) this is what i look like when i first get up in the apologies for the rest of your life having seen it. and yes we eat yesterdays leftovers for breakfast.

here he is. bill from true blood. believable, and hot. fangy smooch!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Assignment 33: Jesus Died when he was the age of this assignment number

And Jesus has very little to do with this assignment.

It sounds like Laura and I have similar problems: we are both obsessed with HBO shows. Laura loves that True Blood, I am FINALLY getting around to The Wire, which has officially ruined my life. I am going to leave the company holiday party early tonight because I know that there is a Wire Netflix DVD waiting for me at home.

The Assignment: Transcribe a monologue from the show. Perform it. Any character- your own take.

Due: A week from today, Wednesday the 23rd.... midnight.

Punishment: Call the OTHER person's parent and have a conversation with them.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Uh OH!

oh man.

i am pissed at myself.

because i was really excited about capturing something about the winter in the windy city--something great about all this blustery, blistery, blizzardy goodness.
to recap: in the past week it snowed twice. and i think with the windchill it dropped to seven below.
but i dropped the ball.

because of alan ball.
the soundtrack to this video is the music on the title sequence to disc 3 season 1 of true blood.
the real reason why i neglected to finish this.
vampire porn.

p.s. sorry how close i got to the camera. i was going to do this other reveal of the tv screen and make a joke about true blood and hahaha but when i realized that video does not show up on video i ditched it and hahaha congrats to you for getting to look at my face.

p.p.s my eyes are bloodshot because i am up all night thinking about recipies to put in the slow cooker and vampire porn.

p.p.p.s. it really is that cold in my apartment. the other day, i slept in my long underwear, jeans, and BOM t-shirt so i would not be cold when i got up to go to the New Feild School Show at 6:45 am.

p.p.p.p.s. why have you not convinced me to move to LA yet?

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Document winter? HA! Winter is for fools!!!!!!!!! I live in LA... we don't HAVE winter. We have something called "Wardrobe Change".

"Wardrobe Change" is noted by the mild cooling of weather, allowing you to wear the half of your wardrobe you don't get to wear the other 3/4 of the year. "Wardrobe Change" can also be seen when it rains in Los Angeles, which helps to justify that I have TWO pairs of rain boots for three days of rain.

This past week was a prime example of "Wardrobe Change". Three noticeable instances:
[Modeled by Ellie the elephant. Setting provided by Little Christmas Tree In My Living Room. Yes, even living rooms are affected by "Wardrobe Change".]

Firstly, my pajamas have been affected. Usually I wear shorts and a tank top to bed. Post Wardrobe Change? Comfy long sleeve shirt, velour stretchy pants and calf- high slippers. All necessary, mind you. Apparently my heat doesn't work because I was supposed to have the gas company light the pilot light. GAH!

Secondly, my running attire has changed. Usually in shorts and a tank, (MAYBE even just a sports bra if it's balls hot) and a lightweight, breathable blue running hat. Post "Wardrobe Change"? I get to FINALLY wear my stretch pants, long sleeve dri-fit shirt and a heavier non-breathing hat. Those warm weather running clothes are thankful for the break... they smell from over-use.

Lastly, my work clothes find themselves replaced. Typical outfit before "Wardrobe Change"? Short sleeve shirt, flats and just-above-the-knee skirt. POST "WC"? Sweater dress, wool argyle tights and YES- PINK RAIN BOOTS!!! I don't care that I look bulky... it's "Wardrobe Change", baby!!!

Sanity regained. Thanks, "Wardrobe Change"- I was just about to hang myself from one of my over-worn tank tops. So glad you swooped in and changed it up!

NOTE: Wardrobe Change is only promised until about March. At that point I must begin to wear all of my over-worns again. That is what is known as "Period of Time When I Cannot Tell Time Has Passed Because Every Day Feels the Same". I much prefer "Wardrobe Change".

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Assignment 32: WINTER

This assignment is being written as i watch the first snowfall of the season from my bedroom window. I know, it is 12:30 in the afternoon, but the bedroom is where the space heater is and i promise you and my mother that i have already gotten up, gotten dressed, and started doing work on my laptop.


However you want. Just give us a taste of your winter. the season of endings and finality. the season of togetherness and good cheer. The season of that creepy looking lady in victorian mourning.

due: about sunday of next week. midnights!

punish: (we should start having punishments for getting the assignment posts up late,) but here have to call someone you really don't want to call. and have a conversation with them.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Assignment 31: I be done finally

I work in Beverly Hills. It's a helluva town... in like a bad way.... if you have any respect for fellow mankind. Sometimes after work I will go for a run. It is dark then. THIS week, per this here blog, I ran in Beverly Hills in the daytime for the first time in the four years I've been here. I noticed a lot of things that were different in the day versus night. For example... there is a stained glass house (they should really light that up at night, no?). And there are children at the school I run by and they AREN'T all white as I had assumed. Imagine that. The one thing that doesn't change, day or night, is that the cars have no respect for pedestrians. Running in Beverly Hills is as dangerous as it comes because it is full of bad drivers. Actually, worse than bad drivers...ENTITLED drivers. I will have at least three "that fucker tried to hit me" scares per run. However, in the daylight there is one distinct difference. I present that difference to you in the style of a Japanese workout video. Try it! Please excuse the fact that I have NO business putting my lumpy ass in leotard and tights. The music is indeed one of the songs I listened to on my run. Enjoy.

Friday, November 20, 2009

assignment 31. DONE.

Dearest Kate,

I have to be a super-geek and turn this assignment in early. I could try and make myself sound cool and all “Jet Set Laura” by saying: “Not sure where I’m gonna be this weekend and I don’t wanna turn it in late…” but that’s a lie. I got inspired to write you. So I am. Doing it. Now.


Time: 7:45pm Central

Location: the 24 hour Kinko’s/FedEx on Southport Avenue.


These are cut outs I am going to paste to a foam board “thermometer”*

*“Thermometer” is in quotes because; as Jordan lovingly pointed out to me today it also looks like a giant “dick.” Thanks Jordan. Did I mention that this particular “thermometer” is only a proto-type?

I hereby declare this a “NO JUDGERS ZONE!”**

**it looks like a dick with small pox. too late!

Also can I mention that for those who enjoy diddling with machinery that works by applying pressure and heat, the self-serve laminating machine is an ABSOLUTE JOY…totheworld.

Man I am digressy.

So here’s the moral.

Moral: walking into Kinko’s at a weird, off-hour, other people partying, kind of time reminded me of a year I have not thought about very much. Which is weird because it was not that many years ago.

Let’s call it 2006, because that’s when it was. In 2006 I had two-almost-full-time jobs. Two of the most AMAZINGLY AWESOME JOBS ON THE PLANET. But, I might have been a little stressed out as I was worrying all the time and making compulsive lists with boxes next to phrases like “get organized!” “Stop sucking!” and “no, really stop sucking so much!” Oh, and this is cute: I also found myself weeping uncontrollably on my way to the theatre, checking myself into the hospital after I threw up all night to get an IV to rehydrate me so I could show up to perform later that evening (I missed some others due to Strep Throat and was in deep shit), for the first time, I froze onstage in a rehearsal (oh, the Indignity! Chastised and inwardly Unforgiven!) Finally, I caved and spent some of my hard earned money on therapy just because I needed someone to look me in the eye once a week and tell me I was not a bad person or CRAZY.

The good news is I also spent some Friday, and a lot more Saturday nights in 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, usually when everyone else was drunk off their asses or sleeping. And Kate, if you are worried this missive is going to turn into a laundry list of complaints allow me to add that I was in Kinko’s on a Saturday night LEGITIMATELY ENOYING MYSELF.

Chronicle of a Past Routine:

1.) Finish Such and Such Comedy Show plus Mandatory But Free Improv set at 1:45am.

2.) Walk 4 city blocks in the bluster to car parked at the free spots next to the abandoned park district. Hate myself for not making better jokes. Realize improvisational comedy is about creating characters that react idiosyncratically in certain situations and not about making jokes. Realize funny people do not think about or describe comedy by using words like idiosyncrasy. Hate myself even more.

3.) As cast members hang out and drink, drive to 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx. Remember that a.) you are a nerd b.) that no one likes you and c.) that you work for the most amazing, creative, and impassioned not-for-profit you will ever work for. Allow your brain to detect a slight smile on your face.

4.) Photo-copy things. Feel like you have accomplished something successfully for the first time today. Something that, though you just killed a bunch of “baby trees,”** was helpful. Stack the papers neatly on the passenger seat of your car. Feel less alone. Sigh.

5.) Go to bed. It’s 3:30.

So here is the second moral.

Moral Number Two: I like my life right now. I really do. I wish I were helping more. Helping the world by doing good work. Helping myself by making more money. Helping my parents by appearing to elevate their genes with tokens of outward success. But at least I feel like I am driving the car, or steering the luge or whatever. And next time I have two full time jobs, I will immediately find a therapist, make note of the closest 24 hr. Kinko’s/FedEx, and I will motherfucking HANDLE IT LIKE A PRO.

And for that nugget of self-satisfaction here are my (incomplete) Special Thanks:

Thanks to Kate for actually liking me now and actually liking me in high school. And for being one of the hardest working people i know...she works all the time you guys, i can never get her on the phone!

Thanks to Jordan for catching my tears in a little vial.

Thanks to Levy for pantomiming catching her own tears in a little vial so I could steal that image for this blog.

Thanks to Heat for being FUNNY.

Thanks to Rebecca for making a brave move.

Thanks to Mookie, Ambrosia, and other faceless conspirators for letting me go (I plot against you daily, and when the despair hits me the hardest it is the only thing that keeps me going. And I am GOING.)

Thanks to Lacy for inspiring me to do my own personal laminated crafts projects again and (maybe) reading this.

**”baby dicks.”

Thursday, November 19, 2009

FUCK! Late Assignment Assigning: 31

I think editing that video for ALL of Sunday on iMovie (yes, El, iMovie... I'm taking one to one classes with Apple so they can teach me to be less retarded with my Mac) made me forget that I owe this blog a little something called the NEXT ASSIGNMENT.

Here I go:

YOU MUST: Go someplace familiar to you, but go when you usually are not there. Church on a Wednesday, perhaps? Docu-blog it in any way you choose.

NOTE: This assignment is coming to me from the morbid reality that 6 more of my friends lost their jobs at my company and I'm wondering what it would be like to be home on a week day... I may find out soon.

DUE DATE: NEXT Sunday, the 29th by midnight (I'm accounting for us probably not wanting to blog on Thanksgiving, otherwise I'd make this a straight week).

PUNISHMENT: You must video tape yourself eating a whole can of cranberry sauce in under 5 minutes. And then you must video tape yourself shitting yourself. Ain't no one s'posed to have that much cranberry.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


where is my next assignment.

oh so lost without it,

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Ahhhhh- GEEK OUT


Friday, November 13, 2009

assignment 30 complete.

i got to geek out in the best way ever (drool, slobber, study, slobber!)

in two weeks my friend arnie will update his podcast, stupid nerd, which will feature an interiew with me....about neon genesis evangelion. that's right. i spent my thursday night talking about the finer points of my favorite anime. AND IT WAS AWESOME.

here is the link?
thank you arnie! i am still blushing!

p.s. the podcast will probably be way too long...because i refused to shut up. just rent the series. it will be worth it, more that experiencing the 2012 apocalypse with john cusack.

also i had a job where i got to look like an elf. and. i. legitmately. enjoyed. wearing. the. elf. ears.

is this my good side... ....or my 7th level druid night elf side?

i miss you world of warcraft.
and i just might rejoin you now that i have made more than $100.00.


Friday, November 6, 2009

aSSignment 30: geek out.

According to the urban dictionary, which, apparently, is an online dictionary of slang phrases that you or i could post a definition to and then have people vote on how good or bad our definition is...

To GEEK OUT "means":

1. To participate in or talk excessively about a current interest or obsession which is not part of mainstream culture.

2. To enthusiastically share details about a current interest which is of little or no importance to your audience.

Ex.: She told me not to geek out about capoeira unless I had something new to say...

 i talked about rei ayanami instead!

Your assignment is to geek out about something and to post an assignment about it.
You can chronicle how you geeked out, or geek out to us, i don't care...just take a moment and let us in to your geekdom.

You have until next Sunday. Midnight.

Punish: You have to talk about the finer points of Gilligan's Island to the cutest person you see at the coffee-shop where you get your morning coffee.

P.S. just so we are all clear, as i write this it is friday night and am at home alone taking a break from trying to make that harmonic sound come out of my electric guitar. GEEEk!

Oh, and dear reader, expect more of this....

pant, pant!!!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm Scary!

It's true.

Also, I'm not gonna lie, I might have used this assignment to eat a bite sized snickers.
And that's right, i use the phrase "pubescent girl body," to describe what i really think is at the crux of the novel and to a lesser extent the film "The Exorcist."

You can't read the scrolling credits very well but the barbies are on loan from a toy theatre adaptation of the 11th century epic poem, Beowulf. Ask me about it!

Also, i tried to make a way better into for this, like with Svengoolie* type panache. But like my scoliosis riddled spine, it didn't turn out so well. Here are the out-takes.

Thank you everyone, for watching that and not dumping me.

*fyi, this is svengoolie, an idol of mine.

And when is someone gonna get me a decent haircut?

Assignment 29: Paranormal Puking

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Assignment Twenty Nine : Hallo, Ween.

In honor of spooky holidays and slutty weather...

The assignment, if you dare:
Watch a scary movie. Any. Recreate (in any way) your favorite scene for ze blog.
DUE: Next Wednesday, November 4th

Punishment: For three nights in a row, go to sleep to the movie Candyman.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

what i hate

is a draft.

not like a draft of a paper, those are kind of a nuisance, but a draft of cold air.
the kind of draft that slinks in under your window
in the dark dark uncozy night or in the unfriendly morning,
the draft that seeks out your tiny pre-osteoperosis-old-lady-bones
and makes you shiver. with. an unholy. sense of your mortality. i exaggerate.

exhibit a.

storm window! go down! go fuck yourself!

exhibit b:

you can't read it because the dial machine is a failure on almost all counts. i will translate it says: "laura, touch me. mmmmm, do it. push my dial up past 65, or hey, 70, doesn't 70 feel soooooooooo good? mmmmm?" (laura touches dial machine.) dial machine goes:"70! you just spent 70 dollars HAHAHAHAHA!" (laura doesn't think it's funny.)

exhibit c:

my only friend. (it's a space heater)

until my encounter with.....


dear draft,
i now like you because in you i have found a semi-legitimate excuse to live out my dream of dressing like an anime character, dressing like a yeti-monster, in my own home.

YETI SAY: BI-BI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YETI GO BI-BI!!!!!!!

The one I like now....

El Grey- You wanted us to do something we hate and find something we like about it. How very fortuitous that the week of this assignment, I happened to get an audition (my first in a good two months)! I. Hate. Going. On. Auditions. But Kate, aren’t you trying to be an actress/comedian? Yes, but I don’t have to love everything about it. Plumbers don’t like when shit gets on their clothes, but it’s part of the job. I don’t like being the short, fat girl in a room full of super tall, ‘rexer blondes with fake tits and toenails (for serious), but that’s part of my job here in LA… compete for the uncompetable. New word.
I’ve made a list of everything that I hate about commercial auditions and this one in particular (for Taco Bell), and I have found an equal and opposite reason to like it.

HATE: Every breakdown I ever get describes the part I am auditioning for as something of the following, “Plain to normal looking. The girl next door”. [Oh, you mean the UGLY girl next door] “Not too pretty”. “From the Midwest” “Someone you might see working in a WalMart”. This audition was “Normal to Attractive Looking”

LIKE: The word attractive made it into this breakdown and the prefix un- was not there!

HATE: Having to get changed into a daytime whore costume at my office, leaving work and driving in the hot sun whilst sweating off daytime whore make-up (fuck YOU October weather), and having to parade my daytime whore self four blocks from the parking spot in the 2:00pm hour to the casting office.

LIKE: I got to leave work in the daytime. Suck it, suckers!

HATE: Girls sitting in waiting area sizing me up and judging me with their eyes.

LIKE: That I care about this audition 100 times less than they do. Again, suck it suckers.

HATE: Lines like, “Is that guy eating the new crispy taco from Taco Bell?” being taken with any level of seriousness.

LIKE: The new crispy taco?

HATE: Girls being fake-nice afterwards.

LIKE: My voice isn’t that octave.

HATE: I didn’t book it and someone else made allllll that money.

LIKE: Most of these girls didn’t book it. So please.... Suck. It. Suckers.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

assignment 28: that thing you hate.

deceptively simple.
you know that thing you hate?
find a reason to like it.

blog about it.

deadline: let's give us a week so next tuesday at the midnight.
punishment: do the drunk assignment. again.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

assignment 27

oh how little i get done.
i too, wanted to see where the spirit sent me when i got drunk, thinking i would maybe find some new dance moves, or say something really honest and profound, or at least create a scene.

instead, i texted people.

i went to a fancy fundraiser for a very fancy theater company.
two glasses of wine later (yes that is all it takes,) i tried to help plan the post party.
also according to the following transmission, i might hate women.

12:00 am 10/17/09

on train bitch some to ttrader todds bitch before one am bitch come on mike can come. bitches. remind me to tell you something when we get home. Bitch.

(fyi: mike did not come)

12:25 am 10/1/00

(last helpful piece of party planning info)
in the bak bitc

AND THAT'S ALL ShE WrOTE. Seriously.

p.s. i love women. as long as everyone is my bitch!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Assignment 27: Drunky Brewster

I decided to wait until I was drunk to decide what I was going to do while drunk. I completed two tasks.
One: Free style rap into my phone's voice memo while at waiting at a taco truck for my burrito to appear. I have transcribed the rap. Here it go:

Dick Suck. Dick Suck.
[unclear mumble, then] ZOO.
Dance Floor. Dance Floor. Guess where we've been
Angelina! [Editor's note: Not clear, could also be "Orangina"]
I'm a hip hop club. I'm AT a hip hop club.
I look at Vitamin Water. I am a Diet Coke.
HERE'S MY BURRITO. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Keeping it classy.
Secondly... I decided to run up my apartment stairs. Double chin in tow. Here it go:

Monday, October 5, 2009

ASSIGNMENT 27: Drunk anything

Inspired by the Drunk History videos I give you assignment 27.


L, these past couple of months have been pretty hard for me. I need a release. I need to either get therapy or get drunk. I don't have any money for the former, so we're going for the latter.

Assignment: Get drunk. Do something. Document it. Make a drunk painting or cook a drunk meal. Just A. Get drunk B. Do ANYthing C. Present it.

Not that creative of an assignment, but this motherfucker is going to be fun.

Rules: Be safe. No driving.

Deadline: I'm giving us two weeks for this one just in case we don't have any time to do this in a safe manner. Do it by Sunday October 18th. If we both get it done before then, well good for us, we can move on.

Punishment: If either of us can't do this in two weeks then we are retarded. Therefore the punishment will be to record ourselved making fun of retarded people. Ain't no one like that video. Repercussions gay-lore!

My first fail

Yeah, I failed Assignment 26 big time. And then for my punishment I was supposed to call and apologize to Laura. So I did it from work, and I recorded it with my cell phone video camera. And guess what... (You've never heard the following from me before)... I can't figure out how to upload the video!!! AND it got cut off. So I've sent it in a video message to Laura. She's now got a voice mail from me and a video message from me.

I did, in my own defense, find a stand up competition to enter, but I don't have $40. My main goal was "Free Candy Contest", because that's all I ever really want- free candy. Nothing much going on now in terms of free candy.

How about I make up my own contest called, who can put a spin on why they failed assignment 26 so big.... (I will win this one).

- My huge showcase happened the week this was due. Been planning it since May.
- I had to go to my cousin's wedding which involved 14 hours of travel but less than 24 hours in the town of the wedding.
- Six more people (all my friends this time) got fired from work, so I am working extra hard now to not meet the same fate.
- I think sometimes I am too sad in LA to be anything other than lazy.
- I took a much needed day trip with my boyfriend to San Diego.

Yeah? Did I win? Did I spin it to satisfaction?

Sunday, September 27, 2009


okay guys i have been scouring the web for contests.

in the spirit of contests, here are the runners up....

1.) blog cabin from the diy channel. somehow you blog to compete for a log cabin. after my hot water heater broke today and i almost cried, i concluded i could not rough it.

2.) any viral video contest that promised the winner over 10,000 to like make a viral video about some company's mediocre product. discovered that to win you need people to click on your video. and i do not own that many friends.

3.) every commercial audition i go on and do not win.

i have decided on two contests to enter, one of the body and one of the mind.

first, i am going to enter a flash fiction contest for women writers.
i have not written any fiction in a good long while.
i'm pretty bad at it, really, because i labor over plot until i hate all my ideas and can't spell anything. but flash fiction, or what i have gleaned about--rachel you will probably school me, is neat because it is really short! so maybe if i keep trying i'll come up with--as i used to say when i was in the improv biz "something wonderful right away." FLASH. i'm kind of excited. NO ONE WILL READ MY ENTRY, however. it will probably be about ghosts or vampires. or world of warcraft. BECAUSE I WILL BE TOO EMBARASSED. (how many words have i spelled wrong in this entry already?)


oh yeah, and second, i am going to try the 30 days for 30 dollars offer at a bikram yoga studio in andersonville. because i need to fight my namby pamby instincts to fear extreme temperatures. also, i subbed into a show tonight and discovered that i do not fit into any of my show pants. i don't have the money to buy new show pants.

also, i will probably not make it past the first day.
but if i do i will have WON!

love it.

Monday, September 21, 2009

assignment 26: contest conquest.

i'm feeling a little competitive.
not with you kate,
but with the world.

check out the lady sporting the laurel leaves. this picture leads me to believe she either won at reading, or being painted.

okay, so here is the assignment:
find a contest. any contest. enter it.
then try to win it.
hopefully this contest will win you money, but really i don't care if you want to spend your time trying to score a years supply of mrs. butterworth bottles (we all know you love waffles.) hopefully, you will share.

i don't know what the rules or the time line are for this contest, so
your post need only tell us what you are doing.
it goes without saying you need to update us with your contest conquest later.

you have almost a week to research
sunday midnight your time.

punishment: there is no excuse. you will have to call me on the phone and apologize.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Assignment 25-

I need a Garage Band tutorial. I need a "How the fuck do you upload a song onto the internet" tutorial. Why won't Youtube just let me upload a song? Huh?

So I did what I could- Below is a video of a computer playing a song I composed with Garage Band. I have failed to "rock out" . The Cranberries and their "Dreams"........ shattered.

Friday, September 18, 2009

assignment twentyerohfsdhfsalk


miss the days of mee-ow.
miss you.

did i mention my neighbors think i'm weird?

i like that when i hold my fingers up for two, you can only see one. nice framing grey. also, i think i misused the cropping function on my video editing software. meaning i didn't want to crop anything but i did anyway. why can't i DO ANYTHING RIGHT! snivel, snivel.

more importantly, if you're are in the mood for something more...erhm, legit, let this musical mayhem wash over you.

ahh, it's like a campy lullaby.

end transmission.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Assignment 25: Mee-Ow-meries

Jesus! I can't post these assignments in a timely manner.

Laura, you and I were in a sketch/improv group together called Mee-Ow. Two weekends ago, two of our friends from a Mee-Ow group I was in, were married (Daniel and Bridget DID IT!).

On the car ride there, two other Mee-Ow alums were carpooling with me (Martha and Jason). Mee-ow CD listening ensued. More Mee-Ow alums at the wedding (Gorbos, John Dixon, Alex Marlin, Briggs Hatton). Mee-Ow reminiscing ensued. The car ride there reminded me that though I am not a good singer, I sure did love feeling like a rock star. I want to feel like a rock star again.

The Assignment: Somehow, perform one of your Mee-Ow reject songs. You know you have some... they didn't make the cut because "Bye Bye Bye" and "Tequila" did.

The Punishment: Perform, in it's entirety "Ryan and Lee" (which for the record was a good sketch, but REALLY gets stuck in your head).

Due Date: Monday, Midnight your time

And yes, it is ILLEGAL how stunning Bridget is.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

assgnment 24.

first of all, this is not me...

second of all, this is not me now, but it was me then--it was highschool marching band day at the NU football game...*

*(careful, this is the most boring video i have ever taken, unless you like watching women struggle with their flag core moves. do you like how i put the footnote as close as possible to the statement i was notating? i learned that in college, you don't do that. i sure learned a lot.)

but northwestern totally won you guys! and it was the first time i set foot in the stadium after graduation, but before i ever watched a football game! ridiculous. i even stood up during plays because i a.) knew what was happening and b.) wanted to see what was happening and c.) cared.
i've grown into an amateur college football fan, something i never thought i would do. not ground shaking,

oh yeah, and because you probably want to know, this is me now...


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Assignment 24: Get an assignment notebook

Dear Diary,
I am going to Jefferson Jr. High tomorrow for my first day of 7th grade. It is scary. I wonder why my armpits sweat a lot. Maybe by the time I get to high school I will get so self-conscious about it that I will put a weird medicine under my arms to close my armpit pores, but then be hugely allergic to it as it turns my armpits yellow and I go into the bathroom to itch my pits and cry during every passing period. MAYBE!

You know me, diary, going back to school is all about the new things I get. Mom put asterisks in the store ads next to the school supplies I am allowed to get.

She even let me pick a new backpack. It has to be a Jansport because she's not going to pay a lot of money if it doesn't last through high school.

She also took me to Kohls for some clothes on sale. I wonder why she won't let me shop at Gap and Old Navy like the cool kids. Here is something I now own. Thanks, stupid Kohls.

And also, I wanted these. Aren't they soooooo hot?:

But she wouldn't let me get them... instead I had to get these:

I am most excited about junior high because they have something called snack bar. It's different than hot lunch. It's nachos and milkshakes. I can buy them for $2. I will eat them all the time, with no respect for the fact that one day, when I am 27 specifically, eating such nonsense and not concurrently getting obscenely fat will no longer be possible.

I hope Dan Stowell and I are boyfriend and girlfriend this year. We will talk on the phone a lot. I will give him a kiss on a cheek a year later and have guilt.

Kate, circa age 12

Monday, September 7, 2009

assignment 24

assignment 24 (which is what i hope the number is...because i am too lazy to check.)

it's fall yo.
but for me i no longer live in the land of structured activities
and for kate there are no seasons.

so, for our next assignment we are going to go back to school.

both kate and i are the girl outside the picture crying because that pretty b is talking about us.

yeah, kate, CHALLANGE!
whatever it means to you...go back to school and post it on here.

deadline next sunday at midnighty night!
punishment: sharpen 50 number 2 pencils by hand sharpener.

end transmission.

Sunday, September 6, 2009



i thought this was due TODAY by five. but rule number one: no excuses. breaking rule number one, i should tell you that part of the reason i am punished is that i went to michigan on friday to see my first ever football game in the big house. it was pretty cool, and you might notice i picked up a few "athletic" "pointers" which have served me well.

so take that desmond howard. laura and kate come to rock the pigskin, on your face style.

p.s. i totally broke my glasses.
p.p.s and maybe threw out my back...also i think my neighbors hate me, because i am weird.

the end.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Assignment 23: My own color commentary

Okay so disclaimer. I ended up hating this assignment and I invented it. I decided I should dance to hip hop because I think it is something I am good at. Then my life exploded and I moved and moving is hard hard HARD and boy do I have so many pimples because of it and September is fucking HOT. So I ended up having to film the commentary of the video in my empty bathroom of my old apartment so it sounds terrible, but suck it suckers... its the only seat left in the place.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Assignment 23: Wanna be like Mike

In honor of this being assignment 23, (the number that will forever be known to this Chicagoan as the number of one Mr. Michael Jordan), we shall focus in on sports for a change

Assignment: Think about something you are good at. ANYTHING at all. No, it does not have to be sports. Make a video of yourself doing it. Then make a video of yourself watching that video of yourself, while giving commentary on it LIKE a sports announcer. That's right, it's a bit meta.

Punishment: Video of yourself doing a sport... and you and I BOTH look stupid doing sports, El.

Deadline: A week and a half let's say. Saturday Sept 5 BY MIDNIGHT your time.

Monday, August 24, 2009


MONDAY: trying to make a pun about what i ate for lunch and ending up judging my current state of unemployment knock knock.

Knock knock.

Who's there?


Tuna who?

Tuna instrument and go get a job in an orchestra you lazy lout!

TUESDAY: change your mind knock knock

Knock knock

Whose there?


Leaf who?



WEDNESDAY: illiciting jealously knock knock


Who's there?




THURSDAY: semi-transylvanian knock knock

Knock Knock!

Who's there?


Ivan Who?

Ivan my money back!

FRIDAY: Jane Austin knock knock

Knock knock.

To whom may i have the pleasure of inviting in unannounced?

It's me.

It's me who.

It's me knickers all in a tangle over Mr. Darcy!

SATURDAY: dirty knock knock

Knock knock

Who's there


Fuck who?

Fuck you. (keeps talking even though she doesn't open the door) Yeah that's right. Uh. That's what I'm gonna do. (stands there. gets bored. leaves.)

SUNDAY: judgemental knock knock

Knock knock

Who's there.


Police who?

Police stop with all the awful knock knock jokes already.


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Knock Knock-It's assignment 22

Pay no attention to the head behind the green blanket.

Presenting: A knock knock joke for every day of the week.....

Monday, August 17, 2009

assignment 22:

knock knock

who's there?


assignment who?

assignment 22 is to post a knock knock joke for every day of the week.
you can make them up, or find old ones.

post this bitch: next monday by 6pm. (you can post them all in one post.)
punishment: jerry lewis impression. on tape. on the blog.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

21: My summer chooses five

1. Taught at the Cherubs program at Northwestern University from the end of June through July. It is hard. Is is exhausting. It is the most important thing I do with my life. It feeds my insides. The kids this year were extraordinary. I miss them. I miss the way it makes me feel about me.
2. Because I was in Chicago, I got to see my niece and nephew a lot. Usually in my dorm room. Check out this video of Hoksila and Gloria Kate. He is using my toothbrush as an arm washer and pretending to shower behind my window curtain.

3. Mac Book Pro. Motherfuckers! I went Mac this summer- those commercials got to me finally. It's the sexiest thing I've ever owned (and I own a LOT of Barack Obama pictures). My wallet is sexily thin for the next year because of it.
4. Scariest thing to ever happen to me occurred two days after I got back to LA (about a week and a half ago as I write this): Robbed at gunpoint. Do not have video or photo of this event.

5. And because being mugged at gunpoint isn't enough, I have had extreme apartment problems since returning. Plants growing through my kitchen floor anyone? Grain beetles (yeah, those aren't crumbs) eating everything in my cabinets so that I need to fog the apartment and even THEN they don't all die so I have to throw out $200 of food AND call an exterminator? AND MY OVEN/MICROWAVE BROKE? August can SUCK IT long and hard.

Yay for ending on a frustrating/gross/bad note!!!

assignment 21.

here is a list.
the list is in no particular order on account of my thoughts don't want to hurt my other thought's feelings.

1.) this is a picture of a pimms cup. it is a cocktail with mint, cucumber, ginger ale and the liquor known as pimms #1. i am going to make it at my house tonight because i am hosting my first cocktail party. really, i hope the cocktail partly will be a gateway party to things like key parties, or rave parties, or killing people with machete parties. this is the first step down on the downward spiral of my adult life and i am loving it. PIMMS!

(also, i like that the picture of the pimms cup might actually be the headshot of Alexandra Grablewski. I hope she books the pimms commercial. you deserve it Alexandra, you went the extra mile to look the part!)

2.) three words, one of them redundant.
Laura on Laura.
it's a tale of two laura's.
it's Laura talking to another chick named Laura.

confused? so am i. it's a show i am trying to write now that i am officially unemployed. it's about comebacks so i feel like i should post about it because that makes it loosely related to this blog. anyway, here is a podcast of something i did not write, but is very silly and very close to the heart in my brain.
i really wanted to show you the video of magical place that someone filmed at that's weird grandma on monday night but i am not on facebook. boo.

3.) Here is an excerpt from a Haruki Murakami novel called "Kafka on the Shore." I read it at the beginning of the summer and then I read more books. this one got me started reading. I'm not sure i totally understand this book and at the same time i do not know that I care that i don't. I will read it again someday, and all the other books! Anyway, here is where the character Johnnie Walker (the guy on the whisky bottle) explains why he does what he does...

"Listen--I'm not killing cats just for the fun of it. I'm not so disturbed i find it amusing." he went on. "I'm not just some dilettante with time on his hands. It takes time and effort to gather and kill this many cats. I'm collecting them to collect their souls, which I use to create a special kind of flute. And when I blow that flute it'll let me collect even larger souls. Then I'll collect larger souls and make an even bigger flute."

isn't that why we are all doing it?
also, this book made me scared.

4.) gift. i love it.

5.) montreal is a city in quebec in canada in north america on the globe called earth in the solar system. you should go there in the summer.

list done.

Sunday, August 9, 2009




This week's assignment: Top Five We Missed. However you decide to do it... give us the top five moments of your summer since the blog halted. (Also, "top" doesn't have to mean good, so perhaps instead of "top" five moments it should be "Crucial" five moments in shaping your summer).

Due: Next Sunday, August 16th by midnight your time.

We're back, bitches.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Back on Track

El- New Assignment will be up this Sunday. Along with an apology letter from me for ruining the blog.

And an apology letter from my mother for making me.


Monday, June 22, 2009

assignement twenty


1.) It's roughly larger than the country of Croatia! And I bet it has more dead fish too!

2.) It and its cousins the Great Lakes (cool family name alert!) have been around since the Ice Age when giant ice glaciers scored the land with their giant ice bodies! They were the victim of land rape but survived to tell the tale--makes you feel good to know that those pesky glaciers don't always get the upper hand, doesn't it?

3.) When there is traffic i usually transform into an evil, rage filled, road gremlin in my vehicle. Not on Lake Shore Drive! It's pretty! There's a Ferris Wheel! A wave pool! Not too skinny people running--good for them! Dude on Rollerblades! And in the winter--the color WHITE! Also i like that Chicagoans abbreviate lake shore drive as plain old "LSD." it makes me feel like a road hippie instead.

4.) I drink its water straight out of the tap, every morning. Saves me a shit ton of money to buy fig newtons and shelf bra tank tops.

5.) It's bigger than me. It's older than me. It's greater than me. But i don't care. And i genuinely like having it around. Philosophical comfort alert!


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Compl-eat: Assignment Twent-HEYYY

What do I love about my city? The desserts. Yeah no one wants to talk about the desserts in LA because no one else but me eats them. It's like if no one drove cars in Texas- all that oil would be YOURRRRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I bring you something I love about my city in the shape of desserts in the shape of free verse poems
Yes, Dicky, you can share with me.
No, Dicky, I changed my mind.
This apple. This fritter. This be mine.
Crunchy on the outside. Soft on the in. Like. Me.
Real apple?
Then let's play pretend. Let's pretend you are healthy.
Just over a dollar?
Fuck you, Bob's. That's called enabling a habit forming addiction.

Fruit or cocoa pebbles or mochi balls go on you.
You are frozen yogurt but you taste like lemon.
You taste like a mystery.
You taste like a secret.
You taste like Hush Hush. Hushhhhhhhh.
You have crack cocaine in you.
That is probably the secret hush hush mystery.

I only just found you and you rocked my world hard.
Like a rock that is hard. A hard rock. If. You. Will.
There's no describing you, except for to call you by name.
Apple Pie Shake.
Yep. That's exactly what you are.
You don't

You don't even make sense. And yet,
you are everything child Kate has ever wanted in a sweet.
Nothing could ever over-shadow your creation. Unless of course...
Skittles Sandwich on Nerds Bread.
Child Kate is still holding out for that.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

assignment twen-tay!

this is (maybe) a hard one, because I am currently trapped in a bubble of negativity about the ants in my apartment and lack of career options...BUT...

you have one week to capture something that you love about the city that you live in.
or just "like like" if you are not into that love kind of thing.


deadline: next sunday the 21 of june. midnight.

punishment: sign up for a twitter account. twitter "(insert your name here) is gay for giant cheeseballs from cheetos." every hour, on the hour, for an entire day. question: do you have those weird giant cheetos cheeseballs that come in packs of two at the grocery store in LA? because if not that is maybe the thing I love about Chicago.

Misses Kisses--the best of the Midwest.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Assignment 19 Kompleat

Okay here is the saga with this.
1. I forgot.
2. I filmed something when I saw my video camera as I was leaving this morning.
3. I tried every computer at work and nothing would upload this video onto the blog. (Waiting out 3 hours of "uploading" on one computer)
4. I made a Youtube site for us on the chance that it would upload better. It did

And yes, I laugh sometimes when I see Dicky laughing. I think we are hilarious which of course, makes us not hilarious.

assignment 19 complete

i had to do it. my childhood obsessive means of self expression--the acrostic!

L oving and caring like a lollipop
A lways sweet but not too much
U gh! boys are making fun of this.
R adaliscious to the extreme, i got them back, yeah!
A re you l
istening? Butterflies.

i wrote this, and while i wrote this i pouted the whole time, like this...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Assignment 19- Flashback, Flashback Style

I watched Mr. Mom last night. I used to watch that movie as a kid. It turns out I really liked being a kid better than I do being a Kate now. So let's go back.
Your task is do to something that you would have done as a kid and capture it any way you see fit. (Note: If I lived near my sister, I would complete the assignment by hiiting her and lying about it).

You have until next Tuesday, June 9 to do so. Go wild.

Punishment: You have to apply for three office jobs online, you fucking adult, you.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

assignment complete.

get it?

that cupcake is gonna explode all over your face.
(comcast still sucks.)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

assignment 18:

hello there.
laura and kate just went coporate.

or at least we're gonna look it.
the assignment is to doodle--
and i mean doodle because the last thing i want to do is give one of us a complex about not being able to draw-
a logo for laura and kate will rock your face.

color it, but only if you want to.
take a picture of it.
post it.

this is a simple one, so this sunday. midnight.
punishment: give yourself HIV. just kidding. and i apologize for being in such poor taste. the punishment is to do something, anything in support of your most hated corporation. so if you hate comcast (i do,) you have to sit on the phone until you reach a comcast operative and tell them how much you love their service. document it. facerawk.


i don't usually like to be the one that has to go first.
but i do like to take responsibility for my actions: and i did not complete the assigment on time, mostly for lack of pre-planning for a memorial day weekend out of town, and for that i must pay.

enough excuses.
on with the pain.

for those of you too lazy to read back to the punishment for the assignment, i have to publish an entry from my childhood diary.

allow me to say that while cracking open my journal from freshman year i was half hoping to find some nuggets of proustian wisdom, or at least some pissed off lines poetry raw enough to write a punk rock song about. there is this real cool event called mortified where people read aloud writing from their younger years and it is often very telling, very hilarious, and very insightful. spoiler alert: i was just a dumbass fourteen year old with a decent vocabulary and NOTHING worth writing about.

some more background on the diary (to delay the inevitable entry itself.)
it is a black spiral bound volume with some woman's face on it from an italian fresco--i probably spent the entirety of that months allowance on it, and its DEFINITELY the most pretentious looking volume a teenager could find in Barnes and Noble. it has this gentle, yet profound reminder etched in the front with a number two pencil: "A LOT IS TWO WORDS." ladies and gentlemen, advice (if that's what it was meant to be) to live by.

oh, and i will spare you the entry which i wrote while procrasting on a hamlet paper. i replaced all the words "has" and "is" with "hath." i'm not kidding.

and another one where i honest to god reference "acid jazz." no lie.

this is an entry that i taped into the journal. i have no idea why. it sounds like i am sneaking out of the house that night though i have no recollection of ever doing something like that successfully. i mostly stayed inside and watched MTV and the knife show on QVC. i date it at the very end: july 17.

i try to keep the original punctuation, capitalization, and line breaks as best as possible to the original, you know, because its all intentional. my comments in brackets. {i had to.}

"so far i have an empty downstairs talking to me in creepy house-speak *shhhh* shut the hell up at Bed Time *oh* {Right here there is a LOOOOng space} but {Another LOOOOng space}

{New paragraph} I'm not tired instead I'm raging in fact but the outside is even more oppresive what with the neighbors burgler lights & the shadows left by the street lamps & the pourous lava rocks awaiting my nervous feet clutching the window sill my hands splayed on the screenless hole in the wall (to freedom to nowhere) but i stay & stew because now the malaise has set in & I am active enough only to terrorize my freshest set of misquito bites & take a peek every so often at the unlit candle* I left outside to let my visitor know I am here-- the visit which was supposed to arrive an hour ago (give or take a few exstatic moments of course.) my itchy little welts mock me as they grow bigger and my train of thought chugs smaller & smaller at each rotation.

...& goddamn my ankle itches why can't i secrete calamine lotion from my pores like people who secret calamine from their pores can...

{At this point i let loose on what's really going on...she's upset about a boy! suprise!}

I'll go to Great America & I'll cry & no one will notice & that's good that's great in fact 'cause crying is fucking stupid & i never asked to be loved even though i probably wanted to be but it's no fun 'cause you're on your tippy toes just to keep it (That's not a metaphor. I'm pretty sure the boy i'm talking about was really tall.) & i hope i fall off the damn roller coaster {yeah--swears!} & wave as i plummet to my death after all. My hands are too small for me to be beautiful anyway. {What?}

{Later i write the first stanza to the following poem. Bear in mind that it is highly unlikely i had passed second base at this point in time. }

How far we income (sic.)
For a cheap feel and a pulse tone
I hate that i want you to
Figure 8 my back
I hate that you could be someone
Else when you do that
(editors note:WHAAAAAAAAT?)


*(editors note from the future back to the past in the form of advice: consider that an UNLIT candle is maybe the least effective beacon system one could fashion for a night heist, and probably the reason they never showed up. you dumbass.)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Assignment 17: I am 16 going on 17

There were 7 Von Trapp children in "The Sound of Music". I know because I started to ask Google the question, it filled the second half of the question in for me, and BOOM, now I have my answer.
Pertinence? Read on.

The assignment: Record 7 people you know/are friends with/date/cheat on with the person you are dating marching forward and stating their name and relationship to you as the Von Trapps had to do when the Captain blew his whistle. Oh yeah, also figure out what your call would be, since neither of us own a sea-whistle (or do you Laura?!).

Clarification: The seven people do not all have to be together. You can do them at different times in different locations.

Goal: We will be people persons. We will be directors.

Punishment: Post a diary entry from your childhood.

Deadline: I am not sure how to set this deadline... this will either be a really quick task or a really long one. Let's aim for Sunday March 24. Subject to change if either party feels this is unfair.

Q: How do you solve a problem like Maria!?! A: Take away her right to vote and pay her less than what her male counterpart makes.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

assignment sweet 16 complete

just so everyone knows.
this blog entry proves to me that i am part peter pan, part hideous.

and YES that is LIPSTICK you see all over my teeth.
and NO i did not do that on purpose.


Assignment Six Sweeteen: Girly Movie

My mother gives me movies for different holidays. Not movies she has seen, but movies that she thinks look "cute". "I heard it was cute". - Lorraine Mulligan on "Shallow Hal"
"Looked really cute".- Lorraine Mulligan re: Christmas gift of "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium".

I needed to do something girly for this, our 16th assignment, so I decided it might be a perfect time to finally watch one of those "cute" movies. I landed on "Must Love Dogs" which seemed the right combo of cute and girly and tolerable. John Cusack is in it after all... and I think it's funny how fat he has gotten.

Girly Movie: A journey in photographs:
Hey movie piggy, don't eat ice cream... eat low fat yogurt! Girly!

HOW ZANY! These people just broke into song at the family dinner table. I've never seen that before! GIRLY!

Don't cry, Kate, Diane Lane is just acting. That monologue she gave about her husband who stopped loving her isn't real. Totally moving, though, huh? That's something you can understand as a woman, little one... sometimes men will stop loving you and it will make you extra sad. GIRLY!

YAAAAAAY! John Cusack and Diane, after a series of unfortunate misunderstandings, DO get together. But not before she gets on a crew boat and rows out to the lake where he is rowing and jumps off and swims to him. Like in real life! Girly!

Unseen: After movie I had a pillow fight in my panties.