Wednesday, April 29, 2009

assignment 15: the scarlet letter/pinkslip.

why hello laura's menses, you're early for a change.
no matter, i've been waiting for you anyway, come in, come in, take a seat.
that's right, i've taken the pains to tarp the desk chair so please, please, sit down.

i think we both know why you're here.
it's not your individual performance that i am going to critique. in fact, when you are doing your job best i hardly notice you.

it's not even the riff raff that you choose to assosciate with. i can handle a little teeth gritting abdominal pain and clumsiness though, really, couldn't you bring them around after working hours?
yes, you may have a hershey kisses almond. in fact you can take the bowl with you on your way out.
also could you please listen when i talk to you?
that question was rhetorical.
and stop blowing blood bubbles out your nose? you're breaking health code and it's distracting.

look, let me cut to the chase--
yesterday i had a screaming fight about the movie pineapple express and how it related to a wider conspiracy of female neglect in the entertainment industry (please menses no need to interject--i actually really like that movie and no longer care nor understand what i was even talking about which only serves to prove my point further), this morning i awoke with a giant chasm of nothingness before me even though i enjoyed a morning replete with friendly faces and a kitchen fully stocked with delicious fig newtons, and today on the car ride home from rehearsal i got genuinely misty eyed listening to a john mayer song.

which one, you ask?
the one which is the most preachy and the least sexy:

now, need i take the time to explain to you why that is unacceptable?
ok, GOOD. we are on the same page then.

basically, i have come to the conclusion that i would be better off were visited by a bout of explosive diarrhea each month rather than having you sneak in and try and trick me into thinking i am crazy.

i am not crazy.
i am the motherfucking boss.
and you are fired.

my pastel colored esprit skorts from 1993 thank me.

you've been PINK SLIPPED!

Monday, April 27, 2009

assignment 14 wait wait wait!


I had these quotes.
I had the memory of posting these quotes when i may or may not have been gorging myself on left overs while watching dvr instead. but i have the quotes. i realize i am being sketchy right now, but i promise to be harder on myself in the future when i am not already so hard on myself.

1.) if you don't totally hate your job, you've WON. --h.s. to me, after i got fired
2.) sometimes i think my life is an elaborate joke being played on me by my self esteem.-- me to myself, after i got fired.
3.) visit my magic box.--title of a poem by an anonymous chicago public school student who clearly has a more refined sense of humor than i do. why am i so immature?

and i have been telling people to visit my magic box ever since.
over and out.

P.S. i have to add this quote--
really it's a math equation said by my friend ricky in rehearsal when someone questioned the physics of the dolly he created to carry him across stage for a movement piece.

"it's not physics its arithmatic. you talking plus i don't like what you're saying equals fuck you bitch!"

yes. i wish i thought like this when encountering dissent in my daily life. (even though the physics might have been totally off.)

final end transmission.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

FIFTEEN: On fire

I won't say why I'm choosing this. I won't say who I'm choosing this for. But I hope that it helps the secret person who I'm hoping it will help.

The Assignment: Fire someone in your life. OR fire something about your life. Do it in blog form (in other words present the firing to the blog, do not actually fire anyone or anything). You're the boss, you get to do the firing. If it's the friend that's always late to your Wednesday night movie nights, FIRE THEM. If its your water bottle that always leaks in your purse- FIRE IT.

Deadline: Next Sunday, midnight.

Punishment: Eat an entire DiGiorno Rising Crust pizza in one sitting. Film it. Sounds like a delicious and fun punishment, but that rising crust keeps expanding in your belly... you WILL explode.

Assignment 14: Quotent Quotables

Phew... got this in under the wire.

This week, I have accidentally on purpose overheard:

"He's a sexless elf". Lunch table conversation about Zac Efron.

"Well what does Henry Winkler think about it?". Phone conversation I overheard.

And the final quote I want to share may in fact break the rules of the assignment a bit, but I think it is fascinating that it happened in the same week I was supposed to be collecting quotes. I had a stand up show this past Friday. In one of my bits I talk about throwing up inside my own pants at a dinner party (that's true). A man came up to me after the show and said, "You know I think I may have something for you to use in the future". People are very generous in giving me hilarious jokes of theirs to use. I inwardly rolled my eyes and waited for a pitch, but this guy told me the following. "When you talk about throwing up inside your pants, this guy right next to me turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, that's like you!' and then his friend turned to him and said, 'Dude, that only happened once'. Funny, right?" I have to admit, I was totally charmed that this dude had come up and told me what he had eavesdropped during my set. And yes, it was in fact funny that a guy in the audience had also thrown up inside his own pants and thought that since it only happened once he was not defined by it. No friend- even though it was once, you are totally that dude that has thrown up inside his own pants.

So thank you, random guy at my show, for eavesdropping for me. Won't be doing stand up about it, but I used it in a blog at least!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

ASS 14: desire under the eavesdrop

disclaimer to the title of this assignment: if people stop suggesting i get a nettie pot i will stop posting assignments with punny titles.

so i met someone in a bar last night that i had wanted to meet for quite some time. don't get yor panties all grunchy...i wanted to meet them in a respect way and not at all anything romance related.

to my surprise, we actually had a conversation, about like, real stuff...not just the "stuff" stuff you tend to talk about when you are meeting a well respected stranger for the first time and are afraid of offending them because you want them to like you. when i woke up this morning i had that feeling of ghost wisdom where someone said something really smart but you forgot exactly what it was because i didn't write it down.

laura shut up and get to the assignment. yes.

assignment 14: eavesdrop...listen...collect some good living quotes that aren't yet posted on a cheesey website somewhere, or i don't care, they can be bad quotes, just as long as they stand out to you and someone says it in your presence.

give us the top three.

and then here will be that cheesey website!

deadline: next sunday at midnight
punishment: tell your parents about that time you lied. record the phone conversation for us to see.

assignment 13 complete

i hope this speaks for itself.

and if this post compels you to tell me to get a nettie pot--for the love of god, DON'T!

Friday, April 17, 2009

13, done: Ugly where it is pretty

Disclaimer 1: I am posting this early because I am headed to the land of the gays tomorrow and will have no computer access.
Disclaimer 2: I did not get dressed up to do this assignment... I had work and then had a show. I look a bit made up, which had nothing to do with assignment.

This is an art exhibit outside the LACMA. It is arguably very pretty.
This is floss.
When I use it I am very ugly.
Here is everything at once!!!

Yes.... I completed the assignment!


Happy Birthday today, when it was still today (April 16th) to one Ms. Laura Grey. She is a friend I love!

i am fucking with this post to see if you notice! HAHAHAHA! easter egg surprise!

Look...we are in hell in this picture! HAHAHAHA! Hell!

Laura poem (to K8)
Dope Ass Kicks.
Reminds me of our Friendship.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Assignment 13: Playing the Opposite

To pay penance for my waaaaay convuluded assignment (no. 11), I'm going simple.

The assignment: Do something ugly someplace beautiful. Blogument it.
The deadline: Next Sunday. April 19. 11:59pm
The punishment: Take 3 pictures of yourself immediately after waking up AND giving yourself more than one chin. Post the one you hate the most.

ASSIGNMENT 12: change of space complete

check it out. the above picture is a picture of my desk, with--no kidding, the box of 3 year old check stubs and bottle of windex that i apparently thought was integral to me getting work done. also, the computer on that desk is not even my computer. oh boy, oh yeah!

hey guess what i fixed my desk.
i decided to give the printer its own personal space and let my own computer sit where the computer is supposed to go. come may, i will most likely be sans job/job prospects BUT i will have a nifty workspace that i can continue to deduct as a "home office space" from my rent come tax time! e-mail and funny cat videos on you tue 24/7! OH BOY, OH YEAH!

that's right. i bought a white board. with teeny tiny adorable magnetic erasable markers.

kate stay tuned for the pic of the AWESOME gifts!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Assignment 12: My closet anew

This past week I was supposed to redo a space that had been nagging at me to do just that. Sadly, all of my spaces had been having the "please do something with me soon, for the love of Jesus" conversation with me. Should I redo the desk that has old shades stuffed behind it and computer bags stuffed below? Should I redo my desk at work that has at least one ant vistor per day? Should I redo my closet, which I had already bought expensive, "space saving hangers" for? I ended up going with my closet for this assignment, because I stopped being able to find shoes.

Let me identify some problems with ye olde closete.
Probleme One: All of these clothes still need to go in the closet.Solution/ After: Use those expesive space saving hangers you bought from Bed Bath and Beyond three weeks ago, which even with the coupons you couldn't justify spending that kind of money other than "if my closet were a starving homeless man, I just fed him with caviar... but still I did a good deed... I took away hunger".
They DO look purdy
Finally! With the bed cleared my elephant can get back to eating my dog.

Probleme Twoe: My pants were the only things not on space saving hangers, because I was waiting for the hanger clips to come. See those long hanging pants just taking up tons of room? Gah.

Solution/After: Yay! The clips came just in time. Bed, Bath and Beyond you and your 20% coupons that never expire ARE the greatest!

Space saved? Debatable.

Probleme Threee: The top of my closet is an ass fest. (But Mastermind is fun)
Solution/ After: Get rid of those shopping bags with handles that you're saving in a giant silver Sketchers bag for absolutely no reason and put your giant-box-Christmas-tree on the bottom of the shelf. Everything can stack around that. Even rain boots! (Okay, Quiddler is really fun too. Check it out if you're into words).
(I'm sorry... but is the rod in my closet bowing in the middle?)

Probleme Foure: My shoes are a hot mess on the ground.
Solution/After: Get an old wine holder and use that for your flats.
TA DA! Closet, anew.

Addendum: I got my gift

Laura- I am writing to thank you for your thoughtful generosity- I received my MAC eyeshadow pallet. It is EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED! How did you know?! I have found a perfect hiding spot for it in Dickys DVD player... he'll never know. LOL. You know, I could be kidding myself, but I think even Dicky likes it. ROTFLMAO.

Anyhoo. Seriously- thank you. I'm so sorry you missed my party. It would have been better with you there. It also would have been better if I actually had it.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

ASSIGNMENT 12: change of space


sorry. this is belated. i am self flagellating as we speak (though that has nothing to do with the guilt over the late assignment.)

here we gooooo!

you know how sometimes you are at home, and you are looking for something important like your check book or a clean pair of underwear, and an hour later you are still looking? yeah, well, rent's overdue AND you are gross.

or maybe you aren't a dirty sasquatch like i am, but the walls of your bedroom are all empty like the inside of a padded cell in an insane asylum.

either way: that is no way for you to live.
i mean it.

you have until sunday of next week to change one part of your space for the better, prettier, or just plain not worser. by space i mean at home or at work or kate maybe even in your case your boyfriends home? (have i just started a chain of passive aggressive events on the home front?) anyway, and why am i still explaining this--but choose one part of your space that has been nagging you in the rapidly diminishing martha stewart gland in your brain (it was supposed to kick in by now, right! right?) and do it up right! show us the pre and post photos so we can pretend we are "real simple" magazine.

punishment: you have to make a video of yourself singing the entire lionel richie song "hello" acapella while eating jello pudding cups. you choose the flavor.

p.s. kate i got that belt buckle as soon as i compile the outfit you will see my midsection in all its patriotic glory.

laura out!