Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Assignment Twenty Nine : Hallo, Ween.

In honor of spooky holidays and slutty weather...

The assignment, if you dare:
Watch a scary movie. Any. Recreate (in any way) your favorite scene for ze blog.
DUE: Next Wednesday, November 4th

Punishment: For three nights in a row, go to sleep to the movie Candyman.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

what i hate

is a draft.

not like a draft of a paper, those are kind of a nuisance, but a draft of cold air.
the kind of draft that slinks in under your window
in the dark dark uncozy night or in the unfriendly morning,
the draft that seeks out your tiny pre-osteoperosis-old-lady-bones
and makes you shiver. with. an unholy. sense of your mortality. i exaggerate.

exhibit a.

storm window! go down! go fuck yourself!

exhibit b:

you can't read it because the dial machine is a failure on almost all counts. i will translate it says: "laura, touch me. mmmmm, do it. push my dial up past 65, or hey, 70, doesn't 70 feel soooooooooo good? mmmmm?" (laura touches dial machine.) dial machine goes:"70! you just spent 70 dollars HAHAHAHAHA!" (laura doesn't think it's funny.)

exhibit c:

my only friend. (it's a space heater)

until my encounter with.....


dear draft,
i now like you because in you i have found a semi-legitimate excuse to live out my dream of dressing like an anime character, dressing like a yeti-monster, in my own home.

YETI SAY: BI-BI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YETI GO BI-BI!!!!!!!

The one I like now....

El Grey- You wanted us to do something we hate and find something we like about it. How very fortuitous that the week of this assignment, I happened to get an audition (my first in a good two months)! I. Hate. Going. On. Auditions. But Kate, aren’t you trying to be an actress/comedian? Yes, but I don’t have to love everything about it. Plumbers don’t like when shit gets on their clothes, but it’s part of the job. I don’t like being the short, fat girl in a room full of super tall, ‘rexer blondes with fake tits and toenails (for serious), but that’s part of my job here in LA… compete for the uncompetable. New word.
I’ve made a list of everything that I hate about commercial auditions and this one in particular (for Taco Bell), and I have found an equal and opposite reason to like it.

HATE: Every breakdown I ever get describes the part I am auditioning for as something of the following, “Plain to normal looking. The girl next door”. [Oh, you mean the UGLY girl next door] “Not too pretty”. “From the Midwest” “Someone you might see working in a WalMart”. This audition was “Normal to Attractive Looking”

LIKE: The word attractive made it into this breakdown and the prefix un- was not there!

HATE: Having to get changed into a daytime whore costume at my office, leaving work and driving in the hot sun whilst sweating off daytime whore make-up (fuck YOU October weather), and having to parade my daytime whore self four blocks from the parking spot in the 2:00pm hour to the casting office.

LIKE: I got to leave work in the daytime. Suck it, suckers!

HATE: Girls sitting in waiting area sizing me up and judging me with their eyes.

LIKE: That I care about this audition 100 times less than they do. Again, suck it suckers.

HATE: Lines like, “Is that guy eating the new crispy taco from Taco Bell?” being taken with any level of seriousness.

LIKE: The new crispy taco?

HATE: Girls being fake-nice afterwards.

LIKE: My voice isn’t that octave.

HATE: I didn’t book it and someone else made allllll that money.

LIKE: Most of these girls didn’t book it. So please.... Suck. It. Suckers.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

assignment 28: that thing you hate.

deceptively simple.
you know that thing you hate?
find a reason to like it.

blog about it.

deadline: let's give us a week so next tuesday at the midnight.
punishment: do the drunk assignment. again.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

assignment 27

oh how little i get done.
i too, wanted to see where the spirit sent me when i got drunk, thinking i would maybe find some new dance moves, or say something really honest and profound, or at least create a scene.

instead, i texted people.

i went to a fancy fundraiser for a very fancy theater company.
two glasses of wine later (yes that is all it takes,) i tried to help plan the post party.
also according to the following transmission, i might hate women.

12:00 am 10/17/09

on train bitch some to ttrader todds bitch before one am bitch come on mike can come. bitches. remind me to tell you something when we get home. Bitch.

(fyi: mike did not come)

12:25 am 10/1/00

(last helpful piece of party planning info)
in the bak bitc

AND THAT'S ALL ShE WrOTE. Seriously.

p.s. i love women. as long as everyone is my bitch!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Assignment 27: Drunky Brewster

I decided to wait until I was drunk to decide what I was going to do while drunk. I completed two tasks.
One: Free style rap into my phone's voice memo while at waiting at a taco truck for my burrito to appear. I have transcribed the rap. Here it go:

Dick Suck. Dick Suck.
[unclear mumble, then] ZOO.
Dance Floor. Dance Floor. Guess where we've been
Angelina! [Editor's note: Not clear, could also be "Orangina"]
I'm a hip hop club. I'm AT a hip hop club.
I look at Vitamin Water. I am a Diet Coke.
HERE'S MY BURRITO. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Keeping it classy.
Secondly... I decided to run up my apartment stairs. Double chin in tow. Here it go:

Monday, October 5, 2009

ASSIGNMENT 27: Drunk anything

Inspired by the Drunk History videos I give you assignment 27.


L, these past couple of months have been pretty hard for me. I need a release. I need to either get therapy or get drunk. I don't have any money for the former, so we're going for the latter.

Assignment: Get drunk. Do something. Document it. Make a drunk painting or cook a drunk meal. Just A. Get drunk B. Do ANYthing C. Present it.

Not that creative of an assignment, but this motherfucker is going to be fun.

Rules: Be safe. No driving.

Deadline: I'm giving us two weeks for this one just in case we don't have any time to do this in a safe manner. Do it by Sunday October 18th. If we both get it done before then, well good for us, we can move on.

Punishment: If either of us can't do this in two weeks then we are retarded. Therefore the punishment will be to record ourselved making fun of retarded people. Ain't no one like that video. Repercussions gay-lore!

My first fail

Yeah, I failed Assignment 26 big time. And then for my punishment I was supposed to call and apologize to Laura. So I did it from work, and I recorded it with my cell phone video camera. And guess what... (You've never heard the following from me before)... I can't figure out how to upload the video!!! AND it got cut off. So I've sent it in a video message to Laura. She's now got a voice mail from me and a video message from me.

I did, in my own defense, find a stand up competition to enter, but I don't have $40. My main goal was "Free Candy Contest", because that's all I ever really want- free candy. Nothing much going on now in terms of free candy.

How about I make up my own contest called, who can put a spin on why they failed assignment 26 so big.... (I will win this one).

- My huge showcase happened the week this was due. Been planning it since May.
- I had to go to my cousin's wedding which involved 14 hours of travel but less than 24 hours in the town of the wedding.
- Six more people (all my friends this time) got fired from work, so I am working extra hard now to not meet the same fate.
- I think sometimes I am too sad in LA to be anything other than lazy.
- I took a much needed day trip with my boyfriend to San Diego.

Yeah? Did I win? Did I spin it to satisfaction?