Monday, February 23, 2009

Assignment 7: Can I Get a Do-Over On That?

Laura, you and I recently discovered that we both have some anger issues. "Some" meaning "a lot" , "anger" meaning "the wrath of Satan" and "issues" meaning "behaviors that are anything but adult-like". Whether you are driving crazy or I am throwing purses at loved ones, we need to figure out a different way to handle our ragie wagie. Rightsies Whitesies? [yes, subliminal... white is right]

The assignment: You get one do-over (a "Mulligan" if we were golfers). Think of the last time you got really furious about something, reacted to it all angry-like and then in hindsight felt really embarrassed about your reaction. Well guess what? Poof- your reaction never happened. You get an anger-pants-do-over! Re-do your anger in that moment in a different, more creative way. Post your new anger. Mind you, it doesn't have to be something you could actually have done in the moment. If you want to make a voo doo doll of the person you had an awkward fight with at work in front of people (PURELY hypothetical), that's fine, even though in that moment you couldn't have whipped up a voo doo doll. Be sure in your post to include some indication of the original incident as well as your original reaction.
Due Date: Well, I am late in posting this due an NY weekend trip, so let's say this is due Monday March 2 by 10:00pm your own time.
Punishment: Failure to complete this on time will end in you taking a picture of your most embarassing pair of (clean) underwear and posting it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

assignment 6: i learn myself how to do something complete?

my assignment was to learn a new skill in a week.

also my body is host to a bitchin' cold.

now, how can one marry her diligence to rockyourface(tm.) with her desire to just sit on her couch drinking tea and watching season three of groundbreaking reality tv classic Nick and Jessica's the Newlyweds? answer: tasseography. and yes, that is the technical (by technical i mean scientifically legit just kidding i'm lying) name for it, tasseography, or the art of reading tea leaves.

"well i daresay, Malthea looks so much prettier now that she is psychic!"

let me tell you right now, that if you ever want me to read your tea leaves,
don't read this blog entry.

no, no, really, i tried to learn and i think i have enough jargon to fake it, but every website i found seemed to have a blatant contradiction to the methodology of the one before it--but i seem to be getting ahead of myself.

let's see if i can take you through the steps from memory.

step 1: procure some loose tea (there is this awesome british lady who claims that you can bust up a lipton tea bag and make the magic happen but we all know that is laughing in the face of the TRUE OCCULT. and because i am hardcore also note the use of loose leaf SANTA TEA!)

step 2: brew the mothafucking tea!



step 3: choose the right cup and saucer.

the cup should be wide rimmed if possible, with no internal designs or markings, and fit daintily on the saucer.

listen: not a lot of my dishes were clean. AND just in case you want to judge, it is an ancient turkish divination technique to read the sludge-like grounds left over after turkish coffee so i like to think that i am the universalist of reading drinky thingies to fortell which futurey things will happen-ish.

also that cup is so big in volume i think i am currently coming down from a severe overdose of caffeine. GAAAAAAAAAAAH! hi.

step 4: and this is really cool, you are supposed to just chill out and enjoy your tea. that's it. clear your head, and let it wander to whatever question you want answered, but mostly, enjoy your tea and CHILL! (at this point i am sweating because i am sure that the tea leaves are going to tell me my career is going to meet an untimely death tomorrow. or maybe that was just the caffeine kicking in.)

this is what i did, on loop for 20 minutes: also thinking about my life and blah blah blah.

step 5: once you have finished all but the dregs, swirl the remaining leaves around 3 times counter clockwise (or as much as you want it's kinda fun.) tip the cup on the saucer to get rid of excess liquid and VOILA! my future.

step 6: this is where it gets tricky.
--you read the symbols clockwise starting at the handle.
--the handle represents either what is closest to you (family, friends, current situation)
or what is closest to you in time.
--stuff at the top of the rim is most likely to happen and the closer to the bottom the more...un-predicty they become.

basically you are supposed to look for pictures in the leaves and let your intuition guide you to what it means based on their time line on the cup. our brains are REALLY good at this. the phenomenon of the human brain being predisposed to see things like faces and alien faces and jesus faces on peices of toast is called pareidolia and you can read about it here:
i still don't know how to say that word.


step 7: learn a moral about thinking for yourself.

there are dictionaries that tell you what the symbols mean.
i really wanted to read a definition that descended on my consciousness like a comfy prognosticating cloud carrying me into the atmosphere of my sky blue future (except for the cloud the future would be all clear.)
here are two definitions i got from the same symbol dictionary...

parasol: a new lover
umbrella: annoyances

so in tasseography you should really just let your brain just make shit up and go with it, which, in all honesty is a pretty good lesson. if you're a loser and into learning lessons!

but seriously now i can see babyducks in your tea dregs and i am certain you will love me for it.

this was too long.
i'm out. santa-tea-caffeine-crash!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Assignment 6- Learn Yourself to Do Something

Dicky plays guitar and harmonica (and sometimes even both at the same time with the help of one of those over-the-head-Bob-Dylan-esque-harmonica-holders). I decided to learn guitar. I decided almost immediately during my first guitar lesson that I am not a good candidate to learn guitar because "it hurts my fingers" and "I can't push the strings that hard" and "Couldn't I just put it face up on my lap and play it like that?". I decided to learn harmonica instead. Cop. Out. I was good, actually. Then again, apparently Dicky's 6-year old niece was good too.

A few things about this entry...
1. I may never post another video until I get a legit video recorder. Using my camera is detrimental to anyone who has functional ears
2. Keeping number 1 in mind, please note that I do not have a lisp on my S's as the video would imply.
3. Still keeping number 1 in mind, please know that the harmonica actually sounded GOOD and in tune in the REAL WORLD and that's the world that counts. Not blog/camera video world. Right? RIGHT!?!
4. Keeping number 3 in mind... holy shit does this video sound bad.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Assignment 6: Relearn How to Learning-ness...ment


according to the smart man's bible, wikipedia, a skill (also called a talent) is the learned capacity to carry out pre-determined results often with the minimum outlay of time, energy, or both. whatever.  you have a week to learn how to do something, anything that you have never done before. at the end of the week, by midnight next sunday february 22 2009, you have to show us what you can do.

next stop, world domination?

here is a picture of a baby dog.

this baby dog don't know how to do nothing.

punishment: if you fail to complete the assignment on time, you have to film yourself eating a potato chip as slowly as possible.

Assignment 5 Complete: Stimulating Economy

First of all, this assignment was really hard.
I had five dollars to spend at the dollar store, and the dollar store, 
for those of you who don't know, is a CORNUCOPIA of MOTHERFUCKING DELIGHTS!

Why yes young drifter, i will allow you to bask here, albeit briefly, in the AWESOME UNCOSTLINESS of HER DOLLARSHIP.

Yeah, that's right, huzzah. 

Foam crown with heart shaped cut outs ($0.99 for three), rivaled only in its decadence by the blinking led light that resides in the heart of the plastic over-sized turquoise diamond ring ($0.99).

Dare you take a closer look at the baubles of the bargain bin?

Hand engraved (sharpie pen found backstage $0.00) with the signature Queen of Blog acronym. Easy on the eyes, easier on the pocketbook. 

But what praytell, does LA BELLE DAME de la DIRTCHEAPDOM serve her esteemed guests along with the hearty mead (tap water $0.00 courtesy of the city of Chicago) poured in abundance at her dining table?

Quandary unquandaried: mini charleston chews ($0.99) 

But who, prithee answer me, are her humble subjects?

Baby chick.  Baby pig.  Baby charleston chews.
($0.99 for the puzzle.) The most modest of all menageries.

I know what you are thinking.  It must be very tiresome being the SUPREME RULESTRESS of the RECESSION REALM.  Have no fear.  The queen is not above queenly diversion.

($0.99). Speaks for itself.

Kate i bought you one of those oversize rings, tell me if you want your stone in turquoise or purple, pictured next to the velvet box.  And you get a crown just for playing.
Also, sorry about the word play.

Much love and anti-lonliness,

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Assignment 3: I didn't need any of this!

Price Breakdown:

Pistaschio Muffin Candle- 99 cents

Nagano Glasses- 2 for 99 cents

Sangria Soda- 99 cents

Choco Fudge Mallo Sundae- 2 for 99 cents

Vanessa Hudgens Tooth Tunes Toothbrush- 99 cents

Total Spent: $4.95

Valentine's Date with Laura: Pricel.... $4.95

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Assignment 5: Spend yo' dollaz like you wuz watching a strippa

Dear deer Laura-
Our assignment part 1: Stimulate the economy. Go to a dollar store (if you don't have a dollar store, go to the dollar deal section in a Target. If you don't have a Target, return to America because wherever you are is NOT worth it). Spend $5 in the dollar store. $5 and change is acceptable. $6 is crossing the line

Rule: The $5 you spend cannot be towards anything that you need or is useful to a need of yours. No toothbrushes, toilet bowl cleaners, eggs etc. You need to spend $5 on frivolous shit. You CAN spend all of the money on buying 5 of the same thing or duplicates in any permutation you find appealing.

Assignment part 2: Present your items to the blog in any way you please.

Deadline: I'm giving us a week and a half, just so we can be back on a Sunday schedule. Your $5 of crap is due up on the blog by midnight February 15th.

Punishment: You will make a list called "5 Reasons I Think Men are Better than Women". You will post the list and a picture of yourself. We will know you are weakkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

Love to you in the Chi Chi!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Assignnment 4: I show you how i go.

gentle reader be warned:
this is my first attempt of editing on i-movie.
also, it was completed in a drug induced haze during a two day recuperation after i got my wisdom teeth removed (g'bye, wisdom! hello, harumph!)

the song is by a band called "of montreal", which i have to thank mick for introducing me to.
the title screens at the end are pretentious, which you have to thank me for. also i-movie.

kate, i adore you.
the end.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Assignment 4: It shouldn't take this long!!!

To Laura and Gertrude Stein....
I loved this assignment because it really got to the crux of Los Angeles.... getting places. Whether it be sleeping your way to the top or driving from your home to the home of the person you need to sleep your way to the top with, getting places in this city is challenging.

My commute to work every day involves two turns. One off of my street , and one into the parking lot of the office I work in. That's right, I live off of the same street I work on. It is a 4.6 mile commute! And somehow you can't imagine the shit that I go through in those mere 4.6 miles on one street. I am late to work. Every. Day. Fired!

So I decided to document my journey in statistics. My Mama* always told me that if I want to prove a point, the best way to do it is with stats. I took data collected over four days and here is what I found.

* Statistics teacher. I really mean my statistics teacher.

On average...

- I park a 1.5 blocks away from my aparment. (F you, street cleaning. Ha ha rich people... you have to move your cars in this city too).

- I hit 7 red lights every day.

- I steal 1 yellow every day.

- Time spent at really long red light to get off of my street: 34.25 seconds. (This was shocking to me. I blame all of my lateness on this stoplight... it can't only be 34 seconds! I accuse the data gatherer of fraud.) Click on "street view" to see the very stoplight in question:
- I see 0.5 women being assholes in/with their cars.

- I see 0.75 men being assholes in/with their cars.

- I see 0.5 fat people. (I guess that means I see one regular sized person).
- I am 7.75 minutes late.
- When I am the above amount late, there is a 0% chance my boss will be in the parking lot smoking when I pull in.

- On days I do my make-up in the car, I am 50% more likely to nearly rear-end someone.

- My trip takes me 19 minutes. AKA 4.13 minutes per mile. AKA the speed of a Kenyan running a mile. AKA 13.04 Mph on average. SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.
- I see one crazy thing every other day (my favorites this last week were Matt Dillon/ Matt Dillon look-alike in an old old car and a mini-van of which the front wheel totally came off).

Statistics gathered. Point made. Class bored.