Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Assignment 4: Take Me With You.

this week i have decided to get all gertrude stein* on your ass and to be moved by moving in the way we move towards things.

the assignment: document your commute to work, however you want. just show us how you go.

deadline: let's give it about a week from this post. midnight, your time wednesday, february 4. s'okay?

the punishment: you have to post yourself saying the words "i, (insert name here) am a cocksucking whore, and though i want to say i'm sorry for being such a cocksucking whore, i know that there is no apology as it is my destiny to always be a cockhungry, cocksucking whore**. And i still love the band Kris Kross. The end."

love you kate!

*i am just trying to attract post modern poetry fans to this site.
**also, cocksucking whores.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I am my own supermodel. Assignment 3.

Real Women Have Curves. Dove- A campaign for REAL beauty, you fatty fat fats.

Marijuana. Pass it on.

Puppies. Save one today.

End Communism now. *
* Paid for by "Americans against all things red".

Sesame Street. Weekdays at 8 and 10.
This assignment was brought to you by the things I do every week; pray to President Obama, work at desk job, cook meals in microwave, run and shower.

Assignment Three. 5 advertising campaigns with pictures of me from my day.

Now Introducing: The New Nissan Altima Coup with 175 horsepower, V6 engine, and push button transmission.

Because only losers in house clogs ride the train

There are no rules in bed.
Except when you're playing scrabble.
Oil of Olay super hydrating overnight cream
with Rejuvinating Moisture Nodules.
Women fear aging.
In Egypt lies the Sphinx.
7 ounces of this stuff cost about 15 bucks.
Encase your face in mystery.

Now is the time to put away childish things...

And buy yourself an exclusive 14 carat diamond ring from Fey & Co.

Because hello kitty toast doesn't sparkle. Never has. Never will.
You sniviling, immature, vagina toting fucktard. Get your priorities straight.




Iron wrought boxy looking things from CB2! Um.

Horizontal aluminum Mini blinds with 1" slats from Eddie Z's.

Breakfast and cleavage will never look the same.*

* don't worry, as with all my print work, I used a body double. my number two slogan for the above image was:

Raise your bosom and spread your legs.

but i thought it was too patriotic.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Assignment 3: Calvin Klein can suCK it.

Dear Tyra Pond... ready for another assignment? Here goes.

Laura, you were just out in LA to shoot a commercial. We had some discussions about advertising due to that fact (we also ate room service and drank wine with Martha in front of a fireplace in a nice ass hotel you got put up in... can I assign a repeat of that?).

So our discussions then, along with the thousands of billboards I drive past every day* ^, has made me think about the crazy and awesome world of ADVERTISING. *Please note that the sides of buildings are fair ground in terms of ad space in the LA LA. ^Also some ads are digital and make me want to crash my car because I would rather watch "that really big TV on the side of that building".

L, you may not be an architect and I may not be a CEO, but I think we could be better ad men

than the geniuses who are paid to take black and white pictures of really stupidly skinny and beautiful people. Who even wants to look at that!?

My issue with ads are that they are taken of people doing unreal things. Take this one for example.
I never get dressed only from the waist down, put on boots and pray while wearing a tiara.

My bigger issue is that ads don't advertise the things that they are... well... advertising. This one. What would you guess this one is for?
It is not in fact to promote "eating ass", rather it is for jeans. Rainy, being-taken-off-with-a-mouth jeans. And this one?
Surprisingly it's not for "Look Exactly Like a Topless Keri Russel". It's actually an ad for the CLOTHING line Abercrombie and Fitch.

In essence they are advertising normal things with out of control photos. We're gonna FLIP IT ON THEM MOTHAS! Normal pictures, out of control things for sale.

THE ASSIGNMENT: Take 5 pictures of yourself (or have someone take them for you) doing things that you really do in a week. Try to pick things you do pretty regularly- they can be totally banal. These are your "ads". You will post these ads along with a logline of what you are advertising. The pictures are of you, but the product (or concept) you are advetising is very far removed from you. Advertise things that you personally would never have anything to do with.
DEADLINE: Sunday, January 25th. 11:59pm. YOUR 11:59.
PUNISHMENT: For missing the not-set-as-of-now deadline- SHAKY FACE!

Friday, January 16, 2009

what i really want to be is...(assignment 2 complete!)

i went to a website creatively entitled careertest.net and answered questions by clicking on bubbles next to statements like...

the statement that best descibes me is:
--what you see is what you get.
--still waters run deep.

ah yes, nothing like an early afternoon spent choosing my favorite cliche from a computerized cliche dichotomy! (but seriously somebody tell me what to do with my life.)

in case you were wondering, i clicked on "still waters," secretly hoping that at the end of the test it would redirect me to a webpage that said "Congratulations, your ideal career is: Henry David Thoreau!"

at the bottom of the page would be a upc code that i can "...print out and present to the officials at the gate for a free months stay at Walden Pond. Be cool, you have already penned your life's masterpieces, so you can pretty much relax and take it easy from now on. Have fun Henry David Thoreau! Neat chin beard! Thanks for taking the test!"

It turns out that i am an INTP which means Introverted, iNtuitive, Thiniking, Perceiving.

The perfect job for me is: ARCHITECT. because i'm supposed to be good at MATH. and COMPUTERS, i think.

Here are 7 reasons why i am not an architect.

1.) This test is based on the Myers--Briggs Type Indicator, which as i understand it (and by "understand" i mean "what i read on Wikipedia and immediately barfed back up in your face as if it were studied fact") the Myers--Briggs is a bastardized version of the Jungian theory of personality types revamped for career placement by an american housewife (Katherine Cook Briggs) and her ivy league educated cum mystery novel writing daughter (Isablelle Briggs Myers) neither of whom had any psychology degrees or prior experience in psychometric testing. To be fair, I just admitted that everything i say comes directly from Wikipedia without my ever gaining any first hand knowledge, so the whole "didn't have a degree in psychology" thing doesn't bother me at all, however, when have i ever taken career advice from my mother? Or Agatha Christie? C'mon, I cannot take the results of this test seriously.

2.) I'm bad at math. No, really. And drawing. Specifically drawing things to scale. Which would be a problem. For an architect.

3.) I would want to design every house with a jacuzzi bathtub at its center. Replacing the hearth. My architect catchphrase would be: No hearth. Only bubbles.

4.) If architect does not work out for me i can also become a forest ranger or forensic scientist. Unfortunatly i am afraid of both serial killers and bears. Scratch that, i am afraid of everything associated with any kind of workplace activity, from doing math equations in public to forgetting the copy code to looking stupid in a uniform. I guess since the fear of public speaking is so ubiquitous, it becomes a leveled fear--everyone is afraid of it...its normal--so that must be why i do what i do now. perform as a live, trained, stage monkey.

5.) Why isn't high class call girl on ANY of the career lists?

6.) Too lazy to go back to school. Also too poor.

7.) Listen to what this website said about me as an INTP:

they are, in other words, highly self-critical. Wanting to be competent and know everything, their standards grow increasingly hig
her. When fear of failing becomes overly pronounced, INTP's are quick to feel unintelligent, slow, and powerless...Their creative juices stop flowing and they suffer from stage fright, writers block, and a general inhibition of their ingenious thinking and fluent language skills. Preoccupied with performance failure, INTP's become self-consciously distracted in anticipation of their failure.

I was like, "woah, that's totally me!" then i peeked at the other descriptions and they were equally infused with blurbs about not people's not being able to realize one's full potentialness and general feelings of stuckness. Turns out, people who are surfing the web for career tests online are probably depressed and unsatisfied with what they are doing at the moment. Moral: if you want to do what you want to be doing, stop being so depressed.

But then i was like: "good job personality test you almost tricked me--wait that's what i want to be--something that effortlessly plays upon other people's insecurities!" So i have decided to become a supermodel turned womens magazine editor. A sort of Henry David Thoreau crossed with Tyra Banks.

TYRA: Hi walden pond. I'm a writer now. Also, you look fat.
WALDEN POND: I know Tyra, I know.
LAURA: Thanks Test.
TEST: You're welcome, Laura.
ALL: (High Five!)

end transmission.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

But what I REALLY want to be is...

A CEO!!!

(He maybe should have been working on a cure for cancer instead of inventing neat phones. I'm just sayin'....)

I began my journey to find my true career by searching (the kids call it "googling") for online career tests . I went with Rocket Career.

My reasoning was two-fold: first fold- their name assured me that I would be airborne towards immediate success once they unlocked the secret of my true career. Next fold- I really like that song Tracey Morgan sang on SNL as Astonaut Jones. "Rocket. I'm taking a rocket. I'm packing a suitcase..." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Short-lived_recurring_characters_on_Saturday_Night_Live#Astronaut_Jones

Here is what Rocket Career has to say about Me:
My career track has me matched up
100% with Business and Management
77% with Teaching and Education
76% with Sports, Media & Entertainment

77% and 76% are the same thing as getting a C in school. What a loser! I have been living such a C life trying to be an actress during the year and teaching every summer. Fuck that noise... I want to live the A+ life for Ole Kate Mulligan!!! [insert electric guitar riffs] So I delve into this "Business and Management" thing... Rocket Career helps.

My pal R.C. tells me that jobs matching my skills in Businessing and Managing are anything from Chief Executive Officer to Administrative Service Managers. I hate poor people, so I ignored everything other than CEO. I should be a CEO? Little ole me? Well I noaw eyem smert enuff, but culd eye handal the preshur?

But alas, I have (conveniently consistent with Laura's assignment) found 7 reasons why I am not a CEO currently:

1. I look like this today.

Not very "Chief" or "Executive".
2. I have only ever been asked to be in charge of two things: 1. My emotions 2. My ability to not start ridiculous fights with my boyfriend. It turns out I have never, in fact, been in charge of anything.

3. Three is my lucky number. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11N-BD1aBo0&feature=related I was born on the 3rd day of the 3rd Month, I've been in LA for 3 years, my 3rd years of high school and college were always my best, the last boy I liked told me to "please leave him alone and don't stroke his hair like that" 3 times, then he caught me breaking into his house and smelling his clothes 3 times, then he called the cops 3 times, then I spent 3 nights in jail, then I made 1 phone and then 0 people came to bail me out. Okay, it falls apart at the end there, but 3 is my lucky number. Therefore I feel inclined to go for a job that is suited for me THIRD best. Acting it is! Zoom!

4. Transitive property: I hate poor people. I hate myself. Therefore I must be a poor person. Double therefore, I cannot be a CEO because it would not fulfill my destiny to be poor.

5. Women can't be CEOs. Carly Fiorina, anyone?

6. I would insist on being called CEO Speedwagon. No one would comply with such divine creativity.

And finally, I am not a CEO because

7. I could NEVER be a Repulican. Hi, Dad.
[Yes, my father is wearing a hockey mask at work. Just another crazy day at the office. You can't really tell from this picture, but he is a total dirty Repub. I mean, look at that bar graph he's made! Dems don't make bar graphs, they make Jesus into a President]

Friday, January 9, 2009

Assignment Number Two: Purpose in the Machine.

hi there. my turn.

are you ready to seek? no hiding. the task is to find the purpose in the machine.

assignment: get on the internet. find an online career test. ANY online career test, but especially one that has the cyber key to your soul. take the test. summarize the results in any way you want. include a list of 7 reasons why you are or are not currently pursuing your chosen "career."

buffy says: "it's go ti

*editors note: buffy** found her calling when she was 15. what the hell is wrong with you?

**editors note to the note. yes i am a woman in her twenties who still identifies with buffy the vampire slayer. what the hell is wrong with me?

due date: saturday january 17th by noon, your time.

you can't spend more than 5 bucks on this assignment. any you are not allowed to give anyone your social security number. that is the first step to doing the opposite of finding your identity. stop being so stupid.

i am stealing this punishment from kate because it's...just, so...HARROWING. if you fail to complete the assignment, and jesus, it's just on the internet so how lazy can you be, i mean, you're on the internet right now aren't you?--plus, this is your FUTURE we are talking about here, so get on it i am tired of hearing you whine about your lack of blah blah blah--anyway, if you fail to complete the assignment, you'll have to take 5 shaky face pictures of yourself and post the ugliest. Definition of shaky face: you shake your face while taking a picture. It is ugly. the end.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


um, hi. first of all, i am stupid. it took me 45 minutes to upload all of the photos i took for this blog entry. i think i swore, like three times, (yes i dropped the f-bomb) very violently, and like how my dad used to swear when he would get mad and at the snowblower. for shame.

um. so my assignment was to make a snow(less) man out of anything we had lying around in abundance. i of course, chose to make mine out of...
insecurities. because i had a garbage can full of money but i spent it all. for shame.


*i am aware of how many of the slips of paper are misspelled. trust me, i am insecure about it.

do you like being talked to like you are four years old? if so, here is a game:
The Insecure Snowman Went To A PARTY! Can you spot The Insecure SNOWMAN*??!! mmmmMMM?

*answer: he's right over THERE!

sometimes, our insecurities are founded in reality. right, insecure snowman? and by REALITY i mean that shadowy death hand from your imagination really can hover over ones face while they are asleep...in reality. For real. Can you spot the SHADOWY DEATH HAND*?!

*that's my hand and not an actual shadowy death hand. but it is a real life dramatization of what would happen if you were to become suddenly terrorized by a shadowy death hand, so it is REAL, at least in spirit.

Thanks insecure snowman. We love you. goodnight.

Monday, January 5, 2009

LA's very own SPLENDA-MAN

This is my Snow(less) man.
He is made of Splenda because it is LA's favorite thing that isn't real.Aside from boobs of course (I couldn't make a man of boobs, try as I might).

Splenda-Man's best friend is Coke-Zero-Man.
Splenda-Man is known for being super sweet, but completely fake. Yes, Splenda-man is akin to Jessica Simpson. Way to go Splenda-Man- LA loooooovvvveeeessssss you.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Assignment Numero One-o

Assignment: Make a Snow(less) Man. That's right. Make a snowman without using snow. Instead use a material/ materials that are indicative of your life/personality OR of the city you live in. [ie a Floridian might make a man out of stolen ballots, OJ Simpson would build a man using only lies]

Due: By noon (your own noon) Saturday, January 10.

The punishment for being tardy: You have to take 5 shaky face pictures of yourself and post the ugliest. Definition of shaky face- you shake your face while taking a picture. It is ugly.