Sunday, May 3, 2009

Assignment 15: En fuego

Dear Metabolism-

The letter you hold in your hand is to inform you that you are being let go. This should come as no surprise seeing as how you seemingly have quit your job anyway. Let's be clear, though- you are fired, you did not quit. I need the satisfaction of saying so.

I am required by law to site reasons as to why you are being fired. Though you have been with the company 27 years (and I really do appreaciate the work you did in the early years), you have failed to do your job in the past two years- most notably this year. I have done everything imaginable to help you. I brought in High Fiber cereal to assist you in the mornings- nothing. I brought in herb salad with RAW BROCCOLI in the afternoons to help you complete your duties- nothing. Do you think that bringing them in has brought me pleasure? Nay sir, it has not. It seems that you and Running don't even work well together anymore. I even fired Sweets for all of lent to see if that perhaps would improve productivity. But the company is still an unwavering 5 pounds over budget, and you are doing nothing to help solve the problem. I can't bring in anymore help at this point. I mean RAW BROCCOLI EVERY DAY, what the fuck have you been DOING, man!?!?

Back in the day I might not have cared if we were 5 pounds over budget, but things have changed. The company changed locations to Los Angeles 3.5 years ago, and you know that the demands of an LA business far outweigh (no pun intended) the demands of a Chicago business. So the only things that can change this decision of mine is if we were to relocate back to Chicago or if Brain could convince me to let it go. But Brain has been preoccupied with the changes over in the Hormones department (27 years seems to have been that department's limit in terms of working effectively), so I doubt Brain is going to be able to get together a compelling Power Point as to why you should stay. And for the record- no one is safe. Menses got fired over at Laura Grey and Co. earlier this week. I have half a mind to do the same, but I have to wait and see if my new employee YAZ (started just yesterday) will be able to reign in the Hormone department as promised. $59.14 for that Yaz.... Reclipsen had been $10. This company is doomed.

Metabolism, I feel sad to let you go. We had some good years. Remember in years 14-18 how we would party with Doritos and Mountain Dew on a daily basis and we could still get our work done and no one was the wiser? Those were the glory days before we even had to hire Diet Coke and Light Yoplait. I wish we could go back... I miss HamburgerWheneverYouWant.

Thanks for the memories, Metabolism. I wish you well as you head into this forced retirement. Sorry to cut this short, I need to prepare Salad and Shredded Carrots for today's work.


Kate E. Mulligan CEO of Kate Mulligan's Body

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