Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The one I like now....

El Grey- You wanted us to do something we hate and find something we like about it. How very fortuitous that the week of this assignment, I happened to get an audition (my first in a good two months)! I. Hate. Going. On. Auditions. But Kate, aren’t you trying to be an actress/comedian? Yes, but I don’t have to love everything about it. Plumbers don’t like when shit gets on their clothes, but it’s part of the job. I don’t like being the short, fat girl in a room full of super tall, ‘rexer blondes with fake tits and toenails (for serious), but that’s part of my job here in LA… compete for the uncompetable. New word.
I’ve made a list of everything that I hate about commercial auditions and this one in particular (for Taco Bell), and I have found an equal and opposite reason to like it.

HATE: Every breakdown I ever get describes the part I am auditioning for as something of the following, “Plain to normal looking. The girl next door”. [Oh, you mean the UGLY girl next door] “Not too pretty”. “From the Midwest” “Someone you might see working in a WalMart”. This audition was “Normal to Attractive Looking”

LIKE: The word attractive made it into this breakdown and the prefix un- was not there!

HATE: Having to get changed into a daytime whore costume at my office, leaving work and driving in the hot sun whilst sweating off daytime whore make-up (fuck YOU October weather), and having to parade my daytime whore self four blocks from the parking spot in the 2:00pm hour to the casting office.

LIKE: I got to leave work in the daytime. Suck it, suckers!

HATE: Girls sitting in waiting area sizing me up and judging me with their eyes.

LIKE: That I care about this audition 100 times less than they do. Again, suck it suckers.

HATE: Lines like, “Is that guy eating the new crispy taco from Taco Bell?” being taken with any level of seriousness.

LIKE: The new crispy taco?

HATE: Girls being fake-nice afterwards.

LIKE: My voice isn’t that octave.

HATE: I didn’t book it and someone else made allllll that money.

LIKE: Most of these girls didn’t book it. So please.... Suck. It. Suckers.

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