Wednesday, January 14, 2009

But what I REALLY want to be is...

A CEO!!!

(He maybe should have been working on a cure for cancer instead of inventing neat phones. I'm just sayin'....)

I began my journey to find my true career by searching (the kids call it "googling") for online career tests . I went with Rocket Career.

My reasoning was two-fold: first fold- their name assured me that I would be airborne towards immediate success once they unlocked the secret of my true career. Next fold- I really like that song Tracey Morgan sang on SNL as Astonaut Jones. "Rocket. I'm taking a rocket. I'm packing a suitcase..."

Here is what Rocket Career has to say about Me:
My career track has me matched up
100% with Business and Management
77% with Teaching and Education
76% with Sports, Media & Entertainment

77% and 76% are the same thing as getting a C in school. What a loser! I have been living such a C life trying to be an actress during the year and teaching every summer. Fuck that noise... I want to live the A+ life for Ole Kate Mulligan!!! [insert electric guitar riffs] So I delve into this "Business and Management" thing... Rocket Career helps.

My pal R.C. tells me that jobs matching my skills in Businessing and Managing are anything from Chief Executive Officer to Administrative Service Managers. I hate poor people, so I ignored everything other than CEO. I should be a CEO? Little ole me? Well I noaw eyem smert enuff, but culd eye handal the preshur?

But alas, I have (conveniently consistent with Laura's assignment) found 7 reasons why I am not a CEO currently:

1. I look like this today.

Not very "Chief" or "Executive".
2. I have only ever been asked to be in charge of two things: 1. My emotions 2. My ability to not start ridiculous fights with my boyfriend. It turns out I have never, in fact, been in charge of anything.

3. Three is my lucky number. I was born on the 3rd day of the 3rd Month, I've been in LA for 3 years, my 3rd years of high school and college were always my best, the last boy I liked told me to "please leave him alone and don't stroke his hair like that" 3 times, then he caught me breaking into his house and smelling his clothes 3 times, then he called the cops 3 times, then I spent 3 nights in jail, then I made 1 phone and then 0 people came to bail me out. Okay, it falls apart at the end there, but 3 is my lucky number. Therefore I feel inclined to go for a job that is suited for me THIRD best. Acting it is! Zoom!

4. Transitive property: I hate poor people. I hate myself. Therefore I must be a poor person. Double therefore, I cannot be a CEO because it would not fulfill my destiny to be poor.

5. Women can't be CEOs. Carly Fiorina, anyone?

6. I would insist on being called CEO Speedwagon. No one would comply with such divine creativity.

And finally, I am not a CEO because

7. I could NEVER be a Repulican. Hi, Dad.
[Yes, my father is wearing a hockey mask at work. Just another crazy day at the office. You can't really tell from this picture, but he is a total dirty Repub. I mean, look at that bar graph he's made! Dems don't make bar graphs, they make Jesus into a President]

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