Monday, March 2, 2009

Assignment 7. Let's Do This Again.

My sister and I went running last October when she came to visit me in the LA LA. She has a son. He is awesome. That's him.

He was in a running stroller while we were running. We crossed a street where the oncoming traffic had a stop sign. A big horrible old ugly fat woman was approaching the stop sign in her big horrible old ugly fat car. She didn't do anything wrong, in fact she wasn't really near us, but I think we must have startled her. So she started making big angry gestures from within her car about "Watch where you're going". Rolled down her windows and all. Despite nearby nephew asleep in stroller, I had to let this bitch know what's what.

So I started screaming, and I mean SCA-REAMING about "Don't you make a face at us because you appraoched a stop sign too quickly. We have the right of way. There is a CHILD with us. RIGHT OF WAY, BIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTCH" It escalated. Like a lot. Like to "You horrible bitch, keep driving". But unfortunately my anger rant did not change her mind. I think she just thought I was cray cray. So I'd like to take it back and re-do it.

I never yelled at her in front of my sister and baby nephew. Instead, I wrote her the following monologue and I imagine that she had to perform it in front of everyone she's ever wronged.

"My name is Bigfat Uglyson. I do not like myself, just as you do not like me. I have money. Somehow I have confused having money with having the right to do whatever I please whenever I please. It's a good thing I have money, though, because boy do I not have anything else. I certainly don't have confidence. Oh no, I can tell that you are starting to feel bad for me. Please do not. Because unlike other unhappy, miserable and self-hating people, I do not reach out kindly to others to change my ways and my situation. Nay. I push people away with my aggressive behavior and self-righteousness. I've found that the best way to cure my self-confidence issue is just to behave as if I have too much of the stuff. For example, I am never wrong. Oh, it's delightful to never be wrong, but I'll let you in on a little secret... I know I am wrong. I flail all the more wildly when I know that I am wrong. That girl and her sister and nephew who were out running- I know they didn't do anything wrong. I did... when I began to act like a miserable whore. Really I was just mad that they were out running because the only exercise I ever get is when once a month I break all the mirrors in my house. I also didn't like that they had a cute child with them. Children, even the ugly ones, will not go near me. But that's a perfect example... I knew I was wrong and I flailed about. That's right- I fight you all the harder when I'm wrong. But at night, when I think back on my empty day and I realize the only human contact I had was me being a bitch to people- I do feel like I was wrong. And I go to sleep crying every night. Not because the world is cruel to me, but because I'm too dumb to unclench my fists and make some friends. So feel embarassed about engaging me in your rage, but do not feel bad for me. I'm a self-made-and-proud-of-it-bitch. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to my very depressing life which is far inferior to yours."

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